tangled

sometimes most of the time maybe, i tend to focus on what isn't right about things. my journals growing up were all very similar... angsty, tortured, woe-is-me, melodrama.
i have been tired and maybe moody lately, too...
today was rainy and cold. we were going to go to a casino to try out their buffet but they wouldn't let us in with a minor. doy. hadn't thought of that. so we had japanese. i had california roll. sophie didn't like it at the restaurant very much. we totally thought she'd sleep through it. we were mistaken......

you're welcome!

big goal for today: wait for the mailman
big goal for tomorrow: go to winco and get milk
i wrote a bunch of moody, emo crap earlier, but it's not worth typing it's so repetetive and lame.

chin up

well, my feet are not swollen anymore.
i'm a lot sleepier lately.
i like to sleep with sophie lying on my chest.
seriously, we've gone through like almost a hundred diapers in two weeks.
diapers diapers diapers.... poop poop poop
it has become my life.
:-)

in the grand scheme

friends aren't home all day? assume the worst: they're not alive anymore.
isn't that horrible?
it's from watching too much television news junk.

un-self conscious is the best state of mind.

why do i not listen to more music? am i trying to deprive myself of music?
i've found that i need to be able to write down my thoughts throughout the day because the computer makes me lose concentration and i can't remember any of the cool or interesting thoughts i may have had at some earlier point.

t.v. sucks

american idol sucked royally tonight. it was totally lame.

a shift

my life has become a big blur of changing diapers and nursing. i can't remember which time sophie peed on the changing table, was that last night or the day before? i can't tell the difference anymore. i enjoy it, but it is very demanding. last night, i did sleep a few times for a few hours at a time. this afternoon, though, i had a choice between taking a nap or blogging. i decided to blog. it helps me get back in touch with myself a little bit.

my dreams have been obscure lately.

life is a little surreal, right now.

i'm not edgy

i don't feel super comfortable with the idea of posting pictures of my baby. not because i'm afraid of predators, but just because i don't want my blog to be about that. i sort of think of it as how some people are celebrities but that doesn't mean that their child should be in the spotlight. the child isn't able to choose. i also don't like the idea of a child (my child) doing modeling or beauty pageants. i really don't even feel like i should have to justify my reasons other than it's just my preference to avoid over-exposing my daughter.

sometimes i'm a martyr

this morning, i went to mcdonalds and i didn't want to wait in the really long drive-thru line, so i went in to order. i had to wait so long for my order to come up that i started to think maybe they forgot about me or something and i started to feel really stupid. i thought, i should go up to them and say something. but then i thought, no... they know about my order. they should have said something to me, like, "it'll be right up" or something. there was an old man there who was also waiting for a long time, like me. they walked right up to him and gave him a complimentary meal card in front of me. they said it was for the long wait. to me, they just gave me my food and the girl said, "sorry about the wait." i guess that old man was more important. but, i didn't say anything. i could have. but i didn't. then when i went outside, there was a homeless man who asked for my change, and i gave him 79 cents.

goodness gracious

there are things i enjoy about being in the hospital... pain is one of the things that i don't like about it. but otherwise, it can be fun.
we have to be very trusting of people to let them do surgery on us...
or take care of us when we are practically helpless.
anesthesia is a trip, too.
where do we go?

i never wanted water once

the cats examine the baby from a distance. i wonder what they are thinking. they certainly have an awareness of her.

we are born innocent

i was remembering this one time when i was in like second grade or something and it was back in the days of the original valley girl. people used to use words/phrases like grody, radical, totally tubular, and "to-the-max". well, my cousin Danny, who was a year younger than me... said "grody to the max --i pads" IN FRONT OF MY MOM! i about died! i remember it being a momentous occasion to me. i was very innocent/niave/prudish as a child.
one time, i was repeating something my mom had said and i accidentally used the word "shit" and i was mortified. everyone thougt it was funny, but i started crying because i felt like i'd lost my innocence. the same thing happened one christmas when my grandma put a can of aerosol deodorant in my Christmas Stocking! how embarrassing. i ran off to my room, crying. i'm such a nerd.

it makes you sleep too soundly

time is going strange for us lately.
today some lady in the waiting room said ....
meh, i don't care what she said. it's not that interesting..
my body is all weirded out right now.
that's something to which i have previously alluded.
it's a trip to not be able to bend your feet.
i can no longer fit my feet into my fake uggs.
something i've been learning about in life, lately, is acceptance of what is. that doesn't mean things can't or won't change... but, i am not in control of every aspect of every single thing in the world...
and i couldn't be even if i wanted to.

melts your heart

first doctor visit
well... i'll try not to be a stereotypical "mommy blogger," but, i am currently pretty much obsessed with poopy diapers right now. it's a biological thing. you can't fight it.

whatever

each day i see an improvement in my physical condition, but i'm still not functioning normally. i can barely walk because of the edema in my feet and ankles. my back is utterly killing me. i guess those are my two biggest complaints.
why am i watching the news? i need to turn that off and listen to some buddhist chanting. i should definitely be elevating my feet much more frequently than i do, but it's hard because there's always something to do which involves the use of my feet.
we are living in a bubble of love.
it's very difficult for me to sit still.
busy-ness is a coping mechanism of mine.
i have lots of coping mechanisms.

it's just a banana

your hands actually are like a vortex of energy.
last night i cried so hard my eyelidss are like big, purple grapes today.
i was just feeling overwhelmed...
needed to get rid of some cortisol or somethin'
but i am happy.
just in a lot of pain.
i know my body would benefit from some yoga, deep relaxation, massage, pampering, etc.
the past few days have felt like i'm moving around in molasses or something...
simple normal activities require the strength of will usually reserved for mountain-moving. ;-)

this is fascinating stuff....

i made this fish today because i gave away a bunch of the old stuff i made. i needed to get rid of that stuff so i'd be motivated to make something new.
i just ate like five of these white chocolate candy things my mom got me.
i've been drinking lots of water, though.
today i had a big salad and an orange and a banana.... mashed potatoes....
spaghetti...
yogurt...
a danish...
eggs & toast
a pudding...

brief update

yesterday, my mom and i took sophie on her first shopping trip.
we went to target.
it was surreal. i felt like i was dreaming while i was there.
i felt like everyone should be constantly catering to me like i've been experiencing in the hospital and with my family... so when random strangers don't hold the door for me or they cut me off or don't let me go through doors first and stuff.
but, hey, they don't know what i've been through...
i'm starting to feel more like a regular person today.
except for the engorged mammary glands! and elephantitis of the ankles.

home

life is good

wowsers

twelve hours from now we'll be on our way to the hospital.
if not sooner... but, i don't think it will be.
but ya never know.

spoilt

when cabbage patch kids were super cool back in the 80's, i wanted one so bad and my grandma was gonna get me one for christmas, but they were all sold out and when i finally ended up getting one it was a boy named Bernard. that was kinda dorky, but better than NO cabbage patch kids. i think my dad might have bought it for me.
my sister Kathryn, on the other hand had like sixTEEN cabbage patch kids. boys, girls, preemies... the animal ones probably... every kind!!!!!
spoiled rotten brat!
still is.
but, i love her.

too many cats

i got these silicone earplugs and they are awesome. you really hear your own breathing really loud in an underwater sort of way and it blocks out the sound of the cats bathing themselves which makes me want to explode (not ina good way)

how far?

thursday afternoon at the latest-- the baby will be out.

i've been making a lot of crepes.

blogging advice?

heavens to betsy,
i don't care what people think i should blog about.
they will be wrong because people don't know what they are talking about, anyway.
i know that i don't like lots of things i see on other people's blogs....
i don't like when people talk about their computer or their blog template, or when they talk about posting to their blog.
i don't like most graphics or graphically designed templates.
i don't like large blocks of perfectly composed text... it doesn't translate well online, if you ask me. the internet is all about multi-tasking and quickness... not serious, deep reading.
blogs NEED pictures/images. all text means "NEXT" unless it is amazing somehow (which is quite rare)
i think that in general people go to blogs to be amused or entertained.... they aren't looking for deep, meaningful insights.
if your blog doesn't interest me within 30 seconds... i'm gone.
you have to be really cool to keep any substantial audience if you only post once a week or so.

that's about it for now.

this is getting ridiculous!

apparently i have been snoring REALLY loud as of late. well, i'm nine months pregnant and i have a cold! or allergies. or whatever the heck it is. "the humboldt crud" is what they call it around these parts.

i want to read this, but i can't read it online. i'll have to print it out. reading large chunks of text on a computer screen gives me ADD.

this was in zion national park my most favoritest place in the world so far.
i made an easter bunny out of felt last night.
it's pink.

that's about right

this is about how i feel, right now

a very meRry uN-birthday to meE

a long-awaited package has finally arrived after much adventure in the postal system.
timing has a way of working out.
yesterday's horoscope:

Your plans will shift and change. Learn to embrace the fluctuations instead of trying to make things conform to your specifications. The universe might come up with something that actually suits you better.

i'm sort of watching captain corelli's mandolin. i like it.
thank you, marybeth. that was an awesome package of stuff! all sorts of fun treasures. i love it.
marybeth is a blog-friend of mine who is always very supportive and uplifting. she sent me this package of sewing- and artsy-fartsy stuff and here i am, still waiting for the baby to be born and i have a cold. it was a nice care package. i also went to target and got some puffs tissues and ricola drops

today's my due date

and we wait....

i love books

Library Thing is a place to catalogue all of your books.
I'm in the process right now. i think it's fun.

congestion

now, i have a headcold. at first, i thought it was allergies, but either way, it sucks.

notes on american idol

last night's idol brought a few ideas to mind that i decided to share.
it seems to me like the whole show is completely choreographed and controlled, but they try to make it seem like it isn't. all the banter between the judges... none of it is spontaneous. they fight on purpose and it's probably all planned out.
the guys seem like they have each developed a stronger image. i think that the show tries to manipulate us into thinking what they want us to think. does that sound paranoid? i still enjoy watching it. it's just fun to analyze.
a few comments on the guys. Gedeon was great. Kevin reminded me of a mixture of a hobbit, Paul Simon and John Denver. it was funny what simon said, "it's like watching puppies play" HAHAHA
Taylor was like 80's autistic tourettes dude. spastic.
Bucky is like Bob Seger mixed with Bruce Springsteen. and Bucky is twins. identical twins are a trip. it wouldn't kill me if he left.
Elliott was kinda boring last night. i 'felt the disconnect', too. plus he is embarrassed of his teeth so he smiles with his mouth shut, which is unfortunate.
Ace reminds me of Andy Gibb from the BeeGees. He should've been wearing disco clothes last night.
results show tonight. two guys and two girls are off.
i say Elliott, Will, Ayla and Kinnik.

technorati tags/categories: Popular Culture,American Idol

yessss!

how sweet it is....
i would like to take a moment to thank the academy.

i want a turtle

check out this turtle blog

hmmm....

seinfeld has always been funny to me... but, since i met scott my feelings about seinfeld have developed.
it is the one show that i think i actually have come to find comforting. soothing, even.
it's like wapner for rainman.
scott's the one that got me into seinfeld like that.
he's addicted to it, just like my youngest sister is with friends. she has an uncanny knowledge of every single episode of friends. i think that curb your enthusiasm is what took me to the next level as far as seinfeld is concerned. watching seinfeld is like listening to music. but better. or not.
i've never seen fridays.

turbosuck 3000

vote for the worst

"Bodhidharma's waiting mind is also your mind. Putting down your opinion, your condition, your situation, and keeping correct function, correct situation, correct relationship is also Bodhidharma's waiting mind. This is the Bodhisattva mind; this mind's job is never finished, because this mind is only for all beings."

today, the doctor said that if i don't go into labor this week, then next week he will induce. groan.
when i told him about my swollen feet he said it is the salt... "no salt" he says. pffffft. what does he know?

maybe she's born with it?

jennifer lopez had an awesome dress(at the oscars), if you ask me. i enjoy fashion discussions. why deny it? i take an observer's stance... which is what i like to do in most situations, anyhow. reese witherspoon's dress was pretty-of-course, but it wasn't one of my favorites.
i also like to watch E! and Oprah.
but, at the same time, i enjoy watching shows(documentaries) about animals, insects and space.
make-up commercials are so deceitful.

technorati tag/category: Popular Culture,

desperately unrehearsed

i wish i could go to this.

i would cry if i could go.

this killing time is killing me

do humans waste massive amounts of potential?

or is this how things are supposed to be?

are we supposed to just live in ruts all over this planet, or should we be constantly progressing?
what is the goal?

zen stories to tell your neighbors

crystal puzzle game

sing the body electric

an easy blog layout generator.... i haven't tried it... but it looks like it would work for something basic.
in other news, i am in a REALLY bad mood.
it feels like i'm ready to jump out of my skin.
and it it SUPER windy outside... which always used to put my dad in a bad mood, too, come to think of it.
i think it messes with my electrical body.

you were so transparent

i like to do stuff at night like read or play on the computer until i can no longer keep my eyes open. that's how i like to go to sleep. i don't like to just go to bed and lie there waiting to sleep or trying to sleep. i rage rage against the dying of the light. i like to sleep... it's not that i don't like to sleep because i really do like it. i just don't like the transition. i'm not good with transitions.

technorati tag/category: Journal,

old news?

this is a biomimetic-robot, pretty freakin' trippy!
also, here's an article about an android from Japan.
it's all in the works! artificial intelligence is near.

technorati tag/category: artifical intelligence

music map

this is a cool site where you can type in the name of your favorite band and see all the bands that are related to it or all the bands that people who like that band will usually also like. my blog friend steven pointed it out to me.

technorati tag/category: Popular Culture