now with even MORE about ME

i should so totally be doing something about dinner right now.
oftentimes, i feel left out/excluded but sometimes i am the one who is included and someone else is left out.
and that feels a little bit cool, sometimes.
this painting is maybe halfway done. the whiskers need lots of work, still.

scott rented hollywoodland.
we haven't watched it, yet.

um....? you smell!

i've been on a super duper cleaning streak lately. you can pretty much clean continually if you want to. i find it kind of zen.
i got tired of my arnold smoking a J gif.
it is gone, now.

in my art class, people still kept saying something smelled like rotten cheese and they kept sniffing different things and saying, "i think it's this. here, smell."
i guess no one figured out what it was, but i made sure that it wasn't me because i took a shower, blowdried my hair, put on smelly hair junk, smelling good lotion, clean clothes, different boots and EVERYTHING and THEN i sprayed myself with fabric refresher. and i was chewing peppermint gum. so, unless there is something rotten in my bag of which i am unaware, and i don't think there is, then it CAN'T be ME!!!!!!
argh.

in the middle of my mind

DUDE! Bert & Ernie have some deep, philosophical conversations, man.
sesame street can be so awesome. sometimes it is boring, tho. i think i like the old skool stuffs better.

a lot of times i feel supes guilty that i don't go visit the old lady next door, ever. i have only gone over there ONCE to visit. i feel that i really need to do that, but i never do it.
which reminds me of when my grammie was old to the point of being on death's door, i didn't want to go visit her anymore. i was in high school, like 16, i think, when she died. i just felt like i couldn't bring myself to be around her because she wasn't the same anymore. well, she was sick and dying! but, i was too selfish? horrible. haunts me a bit, but i was self-indulgent and there are other crucial times that i have been that way, which i recall. shadows from my past.

shouldn't impose

do you ever find yourself at someone's house and find that you can barely restrain yourself from just cleaning it? i frequently have found myself in that position. if a house really needs it i would like to get started. i enjoy cleaning other people's houses much more than my own. but if someone's house is really messy and i am unable to clean it without appearing quite rude and presumptuous, then i will go home and clean my own house. today, i am going to mop the kitchen floor.

paranoia sux

in class today i felt paranoid that everyone was laughing at me behind my back and saying that i smell like poo. even tho i tried to get dressed up all cute and i thought i looked cute for valentines day.

happy valentine's day

i have gotten to where i have no desire to go to my art class. i guess i just find it kind of not very compelling. none of the people taking the class actually interest me, really. the whole thing has sort of lost its charm. i missed class yesterday cuz we were out of town still. which also means i missed the night class, which i am not required to attend, but it's sort of to make up any missed classes, which i need to do.
my head itches. i hate that. i used dandruff shampoo last night, but it seems like it itches worse from that. it is probably from changing climates so much in the past week. we went from dry and cold to wet and windy to really really wet and back to the dry and cold again.
if i knew i had something cool to wear, i might be more interested in leaving the house. i have red knee highs and my boots... i should try to dress up for valentines day. the baby will: she is wearing pink pants and a pink and red striped shirt. i LOVE dressing up babies. especially girl babies. they have the cutest clothes in the world.

okay, that is my rambling for now.

until we meet again.

more later

so we just got home from a long weekend.
our friend gave us a whole bunch of adorable hand-me-down clothes for the baby.
tons of pants all of which have embroidered flowers on them.
adorable little hippie baby clothes.

i went to a used bookstore today to see if there was anything by augusten burroughs or douglas coupland, but there was not.
i guess these authors are too new and/or popular to be in a used bookstore...?

i have anger issues

yesterday, we went to see children of men, but we got to the theater too late. and there was a huge line to buy tickets, so we said screw it and went to a china buffet where i felt like i was morbidly obese the whole time.
a lot of times i am very very self-conscious and i have a very skewed image of myself. it is annoying. i am annoying. i am surprised that anyone ever likes me and i don't think most people do. it kind of sucks, but such is life.
anyway, fine. don't like me, then. and i won't like you, either.

doomsday is upon us

i think maybe we will go to the movies today while we have an opportunity to see something good. children of men, perhaps?
MTV is evidence of the disgusting decadence of this country.
shows like my super sweet 16 and the hills are fascinating to me because they point out what is going on with the values of the next generation.
for one thing, you know, all that matters is how you look: END result. it's not your genes that are the issue, because that can all be tampered with.
it's certainly not any kind of moral or ethical issue that matters to kids today.
the ONLY thing that is important is how you look. you could be the most evil person on the planet, but if you are hot (and especially a hot female) you are ALL SET.
conclusion? there is nothing i could do with my life that would be more impactful than having a total overhaul plastic surgery-wise. additionally, if i spent all of my spare money and time on my appearance, such as working out and going to salons etcetera, THAT is what would really make a difference in my life because THAT is the only way to be noticed in this god-forsaken society.

minutiae

i went to visit my grandma today and drank some chardonnay.
then i took a nap.
i played a little bit of guitar hero. it is kinda like playing hopscotch.
but with cool music.

i want to rent jesus camp.

what do you know?

i hardly got any sleep last night and it is YOUR fault!
no, not really.
i was reading Lolita, because it is practically un-put-downable and also my little baby would not stop crying because we are not at home and she doesn't like sleeping by herself in an unfamiliar house.

it is fun and cool to look at my little sisters' seventeen magazine.

i have allergies.

anyway, Lolita is interestingly written. the writing actually feels very modern, to me. lots of wordplay which is so cool but you totally have to be alert and pay attention or you would miss the subtleties. it seems almost like the dude is schizophrenic. maybe he is/was. i don't know.

and YES, you know what? as i was growing up, the women in my family all became fat. they were only skinny as teenagers. then they always had weight problems. i NEVER wanted to be that way and actually have always been naturally thin. this is the first time in my life that i have been more than 10 pounds over my normal weight. it's because my METABOLISM changed. OK?

and even if i did want to talk about food all day and blog about food all day and eat food all day and still feel uncomfortable about my weight THAT IS MY right to do so. I AM a very illogical person. so there. huh?

i am irritated. always.

is it wrong to wear your mom's perfume?
it just seems like maybe it is.
she had this bath and body works midnight pomegranate and i put some on and now i'm like, i smell like my mom. y'know? it's just the principle of the thing, i guess.
right?

i am like having trouble coming to terms with not having lost any weight really, since the baby was born. it's almost been a year. however there was the huge decline in my activity level.

scott thinks that is just how i am going to stay, now. for the rest of my life.
i think that is a ridiculous notion.

i'm not comfortable at this weight.
i weigh more than my boyfriend does. that is just wrong.

i keep wanting to talk about it in mixed company but then i decide it is not appropriate and keep my mouth shut.
like, i just want to announce to people that this is not acceptable for me.

argh.
so then scott says, well just put sophie in the backpack and walk for like twenty minutes a day and he guarantees me that within a month i will notice a difference.

are you satisfied?

we drove a long way today. i started reading lolita. it is a troublesome type of story, but well-written. you know, the guys basically a pedophile. i don't know. it is interesting to read. i'm sure there are lots of deeply interwoven layers of meaning that i am probably missing or just not clearly mentioning right now.
i got a tan courduroy (sp?) gap skirt at a thrift store today. then the lady said i could get something else for free and i was in a hurry so i picked out a dumb purple striped hoodie.
okay that is all for now.

gunslinger

tomorrow is another day of driving. well about a five hour drive.

there's one girl in the high school art class who is obviously a problem child. it is a regular and expected even for her to get suspended. she talks about it like it is just what happens when she is in a bad mood. she pretty much doesn't really do anything during class but make jokes and complain.

a different girl was complaining of being hungry, so i offered her a granola bar but she didn't want one.

ay carumba

great.
i am ridiculous.
why would i wear this?
it is a maternity jumper that has a stain on it and is missing a button.
but i DID feel very comfortable in it until SOMEONE said i look like a cheap ho!
i might as well turn it into a purse, or something then.

let's see

this is what kind of a dork i really look like.
no funny internet angles.
but this is not the best angle cuz
i look better when my hair is covering up the side of my face.
stupid fat face!
and my face was all puffy cuz it was early like.
anyway, my purple tube socks are fat and they helped the boots fit just fine and i was looking around and a lot of people have big ole duck feet and they wear shoes that make their feet look even bigger. it's the cool thing to have!!!! clown feet. it's the next big thing. people with little feet are SOOOOOOOOO jealous.

an early valentine

today i got my biennial haircut. i walked into a shop in reno and a little 80 year old greek lady cut my hair. they always say how pretty and thick my hair is. she cleaned it up for me.

i also found some boots i love at a thrift store. i think they are a little big, but if i wear thick socks they're good. they are romanian riding boots.

all you can eat sushi

i tried deep fried tofu of two sorts.
tempura prawns mmmmm.

i got the toy sushi set for fifty cents at the frift store. (i always type it that way and then as i'm going back to fix it, i leave it. cuz i'm a chav.)

also i made this owl today.

i am SO serious

the evening painting class is all older ladies, a lot of whom seem to be teachers and they all know the same people and i don't know any of the people they are sort of gossiping about. they're all like moms and responsible and stuff. i dunno. there's one totally old lady who seems kinda spacy.
omg that dateline child predator catching show is UN-believable! those men are all SO stupid. what idiots.

the hamburger painting STILL isn't finished, but here it is as of tonight.

no big whoop

tomorrow we are going to reno.

this picture is off of a book about a train called smokey.
but i drew it. copied it, i guess you could say. but i am not planning on distributing it or making a profit. it's just for my kid's room.

something at art class

it is cool to have the high school kids commenting on my hamburger painting. they say it makes them hungry.

this one girl with hot pink hair who seems a little unusual-ish, gave me a little post-it note asking me to paint her a picture of a taco, an enchilada and a bean wearing a sombrero. hmmmm. she says she'd pay me ten or twenty bucks.
i'll have to ask her more about what she envisions. heh.

i think i'd like to get a couple prints made of it (the hamburger one).

a girl in class was talking about how this guy she knows hears in colors. so like, he said her voice is light blue and more feminine than he'd expected. also someone was telling her that she needs to write in a more male/less feminine voice. i suggested she look in a men's magazine like GQ or Maxim. and then they were like, maxim is semi-porn.

waiting on the world to change

good morning.
i am feeling grouchy, as usual.
it's true.

i don't feel like making another pot of coffee and it irritates me because i want another pot to be brewing.
it's like i revert back to a childlike mentality and then i feel all pissy because i have to do stuff.
ultimately it seems to be that i want to be someone other than myself.
someone prettier, friendlier, funnier, more successful, more likeable.
just NOT ME!

so then i think, i have to go to my art class this morning and i don't want to go.
i already missed two classes last week.

what is my problem?
what am i avoiding?
not just in general, but specifically about the art class thing....

seriously? i think it is a lot because i feel unattractive or otherwise fatally flawed somehow.
i have nothing to wear, my hair is whacko, i don't know what to do about my face.
so it is easier to stay home, y'know?

in order to go out, i would like to at least wear interesting/attractive clothes so that people will be distracted from how boring i feel. or i will be distracted.

but, really... this is all ridiculous.

i just find it interesting, the resistance i feel about having to do anything!
we skipped out on our counseling yesterday too.
feels like it's not helping that much.

***** i am back from my class now and it was cool. i'll do another post about it after i upload some pics.
i have dyslexia today.

fork it over

i have a lot of chopped dried figs.
looks like i'll be making quite a few fig bars.
maybe tomorrow.

tomorrow is back to school.

i just ate some baked apple chips. healthy junk. they are/were good.


image

today's food report

today i scrubbed my legs and feet with a mixture of seasalt and milk.
i made soup with garlic, onions, bell peppers, barley, tomato sauce, shiitake mushrooms and some oregano.
but dinner is a hungryman microbaked chicken parmesan with spaghetti.
i am nature girl.

~~~~~~~~~

i am listening to the bluegrass channel on tv.
i feel SO lazy.
yesterday i had a beer in celebration of the super bowl.
not that i watched it or even know for sure who was playing?

this morning i finished the last of that veggie soup i made the other day.
so now i need to make a pot of bean soup cuz it is a good idea to eat stuff like that as often as possible. at least three times a week. plus i always pretend i am making a cauldron of magic brew or something.

i haven't painted for like a week.
sigh
i'm still hung up on those curly fries. they need light and shadow.

sweet! there's a family guy marathon on right now. that makes me feel cozy.
new lily allen video

a rat's patooty

you are better off just not buying them because all you are going to do is eat them all in one sitting.

the case of the mysterious vegetables

this morning i found a lot of partially digested carrots and broccoli in sophie's diaper and we can't figure out where it came from. nobody's copping to it. so now we are like, okay, where the hell did it come from?

twilight zone-ish

that song barracuda has been stuck in my head for days.\

heart barracuda 1977 (3:57)

i want to get a haircut!

i almost tripped over a cord two times in a row this evening.
i just noticed that i had benadryl anti itch medicated cream sitting right in a basket on the back of my toilet all this time. but now i'm using it and it is still coming in handy.

the movie theater we went to today was really small and had a screen that was literally a quarter of the size of a normal movie screen. it was weird cuz it was in an unmarked door in a strange hallway and when you walked INTO the theater, you were basically right in front of the screen and then couldn't see ANYTHING and had to stand there like a retard while everyone else who can see cuz their eyes are already adjusted is just staring at you and you can't see their faces.
that was weird.

i <3 leo

blood diamond was very good. i felt all sad and you know, angsty afterward. i mean yes for the whole thing, but also just cuz of leo... *sigh* he's the dreamiest.

no, but seriously, he is so good because it's about survival and he plays that survival instinct so well... always has... ever since GROWING PAINS. do you remember?
i do.
i love his accent. it is sexy when he talks like that.
i'm in love with him.
OKAY STOP!
that is RIDICULOUS and stupid so i can't even talk about it!
sorry. i'm really not serious.

the movie made me think lots of things. like it calls into question the entire human understanding of morality. like, people always ask how could god let this happen? is there a god? is there really such a thing as good and evil?

i just drank a budweiser. just: ew. it's foamy. fills you up. does let you down.

give me a break

i am very much looking forward to this afternoon.
we are going to go see BLOOD DIAMOND!
also playing at the theater is Babel, which i do want to see, but first priority is blood diamond. they both look good, tho.
it seems like it's been a while since i actually knew i was going to see a good movie when i went to the theater. y'know?
but things have kinda been the pits around here lately, so... we really need to have some fun! BIG TIME.

oh come on!

hey, guess what?
just because you read my blog, if you have never actually met me, don't try and make assumptions about my life. you don't know what you are talking about. you know next to nothing about me or my life.
i have always had a bit of an obsession with nutrition.
i love to read nutrition books, books about food, cookbooks. nutrition BLOGS
it's been going on for many years, so don't think that i talk about food on my blog to impress any of your asses!
my whole reason for blogging pretty much has nothing to do with YOU!

and if you don't like blogs that moderate their comments?
then try to have a little tact. PORK!
seriously. do you think you come off as credible in any way?
p.s. if you don't like me then please stop reading my blog.

blog or die

now i am drinking APPLE JUICE!
earlier i had celestial seasonings wild berry zinger tea.
often i blog about and otherwise do the things that i think about.
i think i get into mental ruts, artistic ruts, all sorts of ruts, actually.
probably not uncommon.
anyway, i'm sort of obsessive about blogging.
it's a compulsion.

sigh

i should probably be taking a nap.
i had a roast beef sandwich today.
this was after my rice remedy where you boil some rice and drink the water then eat the rice and it's supposed to make you all better.
so far, so good.

tomorrow we are probably going to go see a movie.
i don't know what is playing at our theaters, tho.
usually the selection leaves much to be desired.

peaceful

i'm making some sort of random vegetable soup.
it has onion, leeks, carrots, broccoli....
i think i will add squarsh.
i don't know.
last night i watched mozart & the whale.
not that impressive.
it's sweet. cute. innocent.

my life is INTERESTING

i guess since i slept so much today i'm not tired tonight?
i just feel like staying awake. maybe i have insomnia? itchy hives don't help.
i'm watching some stupid show about edgar cayce on the history channel.
drinking chicken broth
eating saltines.

you know the drill

drinking gatorade and eating stoned wheat thins. i am sprinkling a little salt on them because they have no salt and i don't have any saltines. scott tasted was and was like -boring-

he says, "those are horrible"
and he starts eating a candy bar!
i don't think i have any tea tree oil and i think that is what i want.
or at least some anti-itch gel, which i do have.

i think my headache might be going away.
i should take a shower.
that always does make a person feel better, doesn't it?

***************************

i finished reading that art/fear book. it was okay.
last night i dreamt about slugs that were as big as pythons.
i feel like total crap. i was sick all night and don't feel much better today.
i didn't go to my class today, either.