you people

i feel all bummed out today and i think it is because i let stupid things get to me. i will take something someone says and turn it into a personal insult when maybe it wasn't. like, my teacher said there would be a girl coming by today and she is young and beautiful and i thought to myself, "oh, so i guess that makes ME an old hag??" haha. and then i also felt like my teacher doesn't listen to me when she asks me questions. i wonder if it's just that she has too many things on her mind or if i just talk in a boring way?
i often feel like people don't recognize how amazing and wonderful i am.
but then i think that must either be because i am overestimating my amazingness OR because i underestimate myself and people pick up on this insecurity vibe? like marcel on top chef. i am like him, i think.

decisive, uncompromising... and rude!

i had to re-do my sketch because it was all out of porportion. UN-accEPtable!

we are cheating by working off of a picture, which is easier than working from life. i folded the picture i'm working from into quarters and that opened up a whole new world for me.

at the high school, i was not able to do a color printout of a pic i have stored in photobucket because that site is restricted due to adult content. nobody at the school had the override. the town library's color printer doesn't work, our printer at home is out of ink so my teacher drove me to scott's parents (she knows them cuz they're all teachers) to use their printer.

class notes

it's weird to be at a high school cuz kids act funny cuz they aren't adults yet and so they have fewer adult inhibitions or aren't expected to conform to adult norms of behavior. i took note of two people in the class. this one guy was wearing a t-shirt that said, "i have the nuts" and this one cute stylish blonde with a shaggy perm (or natural? i dunno) and a princess bride t-shirt and a lip ring. at first i thought her lip ring was a big mole or a cold sore. haha. another girl had a lip ring too. and one girl had hair that was dyed fire engine red or fuschia.

i sketched out my hamburger painting.

i've been working on a latch-hook rug of a horse for over a year. actually, not working would be a more accurate term. anyway, i did ONE row on it the other night and it took me like an hour, seriously. you have to like read some sort symbol code to figure out what color yarn to use and the rows are really long and intricate. i'm half-way done with it.

stand up and show us your funny face

i want my first painting in my art class to be a big ol' hamburger with curly fries that i took a foto of on new year's eave. (i know: sp.)
but i feel uncertain that i can justify this if she says to me something critical about my subject matter. so i was thinking of what hamburgers mean to me and why would i want to paint one and what would i do with the painting once it is finished?

or i could be boring and paint these sunflowers.

i don't like it when people are always in my business. i need my PRIVACY man!

whispered conversations

now i have to figure out what i am going to paint. i'm supposed to pick one of my photos that i like a lot and use it to come up with a composition, making four quick sketches to come up with the most impactful composition. also, think about the colors i want to use. maybe do a collage of colors i like using magazines or whatever. then get to work on starting the painting.
i left class early today because i felt pressured like, i have to think-- i don't know yet what i want to paint. so i have class at ten tomorrow and should be ready to start painting. i think i'll bring my portable easel tomorrow. the eve. class is one night a week for 3 hours.

i keep eavesdropping on people's conversations about the boy. i walked home from class and the streets were cold and dark. i walked by the elementary school and the abandoned church across the street. there's some sort of groundskeeper who has a shack out there behind that church. he's intriguing in a freaky sort of way. there was a light on and i could see inside his window. odd things hanging from the ceiling?

i'm sure i'll go

my art teacher gave me four or five blank cavases. i can also go to class this evening since today wasn't really much of a class. it was more like an interview. we are supposed to come up with pictures of ten things we'd like to paint. there will actually be people there tonight.

**the boy's death is being called a suicide. supposedly, as i overheard at the video store, he left a note in his desk. this is said to be the 3rd suicide in this town in the past 30 years.

a horse with no name

the first day of my art class was interesting, to say the least. nothing at all what i'd expected.
i walked to the high school, walked into the art room and all the chairs were on top of the tables, the kids are taking midterms, so their schedule is different today.

i like to be early, but i was a little later than i'd've liked today--essenitally the first day of class for me.
the teacher is a cool, older art teacher lady who went to berkeley for her two art degrees. she teaches elementary, high school and college art. she greeted me and asked if i knew about the town news today.
an event.
a 10 yr-old boy (in this very small town) died last night from accidental hanging? it's still being investigated.
the news ripples through the town like a single drop of water radiates through a still small pond. there are grief groups.
she drives me to the elementary school, in her classroom a few kids come to ask for markers. they are making a poster for the boy. they bring in a photocopy of an 8x10 portrait of the kid. a boy, red-rimmed eyes from crying, says his name.
my teacher remains composed, seeming only a little flighty and intense. a caring woman. the black and white image of a young boy brings tears to my eyes, the thought of it, imagine if he were my son.

so this was my first day of art.

look at courtney love

courtney love looks good, actually. she is old. actually wait... is she only 43? i thought she was older.

anyway, i have my art class at 10. so i have to take a bath and figure out what i am going to wear. scary.

the oscar nods are out. cool.

i think i fear them, too

even tho i make sock monkeys, i can still understand why someone would fear them. they are a force to be reckoned with. little did i know that when i made my first sock monkey, i would be compelled to continue making sock monkeys like i was on some sort of evil mission to populate the world with as many sock monkeys as possible. i'm not even sure if i like them. i like sock monsters tho. i need to try and make one of those... if the sock monkeys will allow it, that is.

fear of sock monkeys?

i'm sorry

omg my super ex-girlfriend is SO EMPOWERING TO WOMEN! omg!
it's silly, really. but i had fun watching it.
that movie is about ME!
it's like they based it directly on my life.
it's a good thing i DONt have superpowers.

**the above-pictured pizza is called cabin fever and it has mega garlic sauce and avocados

why me?

you don't know what you're missing

i got my cool, emo, caramel colored velour jacket at the frift store for FREE.
it fits me perfectly and matches me perfectly... since my favorite color to wear is BROWN. no not really, but i do wear a lot of brown, i find. i am attracted to earth tones.

before i ever had a computer, i used to sit in a little corner cove in my dining room with lots of plants and books and stationery and i would read and write in journals and write letters to people.

more about my FEELINGS

when stuff doesn’t WORK/function the way it is supposed to i start to get very anxious. i get mad. i start acting childish, i suppose. banging things around. whining excessively. being ridiculous in general.

so this morning i was trying to SHUT the woodstove doors and they weren’t SHUTTING right.
i got pissed.
scott was standing right behind me but does he offer to HELP?
not until i finally get the doors SHUT and walk away-- THEN he walks directly up to the stove doors and opens and closes them with smug, arrogant, pretentious, self-satisfied ease and i fly off the handle. i felt like he should have offered to help me sooner and the way he went about “showing me how to do it” was offensive.
whatever.
that’s my morning drama.

HOW ARE YOU today? all three of you who read my blog. okay maybe six.

almost paradise

i am trying to make an orange sock monkey sewn with orange thread, but i cut the arms too short so i have to think of a way to improvise with that. i lost my oomph, tho, when i started to fix the arms and sewed them wrong-side-out. then i just decided to do it later.

in case you were under a different impression: i am shy. timid. reserved.
i am also paranoid and overly sensitive. today scott's mom said two things that i totally took personally and/or was completely incorrect about. one thing she said was: "if you could read my mind you wouldn't be here" and i was like, "is she talking to me? what the...?" and the other thing was i thought she was asking if it is okay to feed the baby broccoli and celery. scott talked to her later and found out that the mind-reading remark was something she was reading off of a foster kids' t-shirt she'd just washed. annd she was just asking if we wanted the veggies.
i'm glad those were cleared up. there's a lot of miscommunication between us. or just between everyone.

sunday blogging

we watched the night listener last night. toni collete is weird but interesting. i'd like to see her in more villain roles. she's got crazy down.
robin williams is weird.
the movie is boring, mostly.
i cleaned a lot today.
it is fun sometimes.
i've been listening to more music today... that is cool.

people don't get me.

you think you're so pretty

this is one of my most popular vids on youboob. cemetery (1:16)



matt nathanson "Laid" he's got personality. cute. funny. (4:28)

toastland

i like toast
once there was a little girl
who ate a lot of toast
she decided that she wanted to marry toast
but how could she stay married
if she ate the toast?
so she went to the toastmaster
analina: hahahahaa
carrie: he was the ruler of all the land
and his son
was the PRINCE
of toasttown
the toastmaster said to the girl
my wife is a toaster
so if you eat the prince
she will just pop out some more toast
and you shall have princes
to your hearts content
this was the perfect arrangement for the girl
since she was but a wee lass on her granmas knee
she had been collecting butter knives
she couldn't wait
for her wedding night
so she could put those butter knives to use.
she imagined slathering her prince
with butter
her butter knife
sliding back and forth
upon the crispy
crunchy
toast

but seriously

i have a compulsion to buy exercise videos at thrift stores for one dollar. i have quite the collection. and i know that i haven't even used most of the ones i already have so why do i keep buying more? as i was walking home, i found myself imagining that some day when i am for some reason unable to go outside and have no cable access then THAT is the day when i will start using all these handy workout videos i've collected. and everyone will be jealous of me and be all, "now that's usin' yer noodle!" haha.

why bother?

that is the painting i did of my boyfriend's cat, in case you didn't know.
the only reason i am taking an art class is to encourage me to paint and to encourage myself to interact with other people.
i am already an artist.

i hate how i get up the nerve to do something that involves me interacting with other people and it is really hard for me to get up the nerve because i have a lot of social anxiety, amongst other kinds of anxiety, and then i put myself out there and people shoot me down or show no interest in getting to know me.

am i that abhorrent? it seems like i've never been one of those people that people are interested in. it makes me sad and it makes me want to give up and just be a hermit.

i like to spy on people

my butt hurts from sitting down too much today.
jessica simpsonn annoys me. it's her mouth-- it's all smirky and ... i dunno. we are watching employee of the month. it's silly. some parts are funny. especially the grandma! she give some GOOD dating advice, man. this movie is only worth watching if you feel left out not knowing how lame it is firsthand.

the blogosphere has been disappointing today. i find that hard to accept.