where do they all come from?

i walk around the house trying to be light in the loafers because it seems like otherwise the whole apartment vibrates. it takes extra conscious effort to make sure one treads lightly.

my breakfast: rice crispie treat, corndog

mmmmmm. for a midnight snack i ate some banana milkshake left over from dinner.
i like leftovers, personally. scott is not a big fan of them.
there are two kinds of people in the world. leftover eaters and non-leftover eaters.

lowered expectations

i sort of feel like i could stay in bed with the baby and do little else.
on the other hand... i want to do other stuff.
usually there is a battle going on inside me...
i have to use my time judiciously these days.
i think rice crispie treats have some kind of addictive drug in them...
yeah... sugar.

hee haw

i'm thirty two years old. i'll be thirty three in june.
i'm no spring chicken.
apparently, i go around scowling all the time.
i can't help it. i've been telling people my whole life, it's just my face. my face just looks like i'm an unhappy, miserable scrooge. i need plastic surgery so then i would look like the joker and have permagrin. then everyone would think i was happy and want to be my friend.

could it be both?

i didn't make this nor do i own it. found the picture online a long time ago... don't remember where.
my house is so messy. it's clutter mostly. i hate clutter. i seem to be a magnet for it, however. i try to get rid of stuff, but it does no good. there have been times in my life when i was obsessed with eliminating clutter and being super tidy. other times, i'm a slob. which one is real?

tangled

sometimes most of the time maybe, i tend to focus on what isn't right about things. my journals growing up were all very similar... angsty, tortured, woe-is-me, melodrama.
i have been tired and maybe moody lately, too...
today was rainy and cold. we were going to go to a casino to try out their buffet but they wouldn't let us in with a minor. doy. hadn't thought of that. so we had japanese. i had california roll. sophie didn't like it at the restaurant very much. we totally thought she'd sleep through it. we were mistaken......

you're welcome!

big goal for today: wait for the mailman
big goal for tomorrow: go to winco and get milk
i wrote a bunch of moody, emo crap earlier, but it's not worth typing it's so repetetive and lame.

chin up

well, my feet are not swollen anymore.
i'm a lot sleepier lately.
i like to sleep with sophie lying on my chest.
seriously, we've gone through like almost a hundred diapers in two weeks.
diapers diapers diapers.... poop poop poop
it has become my life.
:-)

in the grand scheme

friends aren't home all day? assume the worst: they're not alive anymore.
isn't that horrible?
it's from watching too much television news junk.

un-self conscious is the best state of mind.

why do i not listen to more music? am i trying to deprive myself of music?
i've found that i need to be able to write down my thoughts throughout the day because the computer makes me lose concentration and i can't remember any of the cool or interesting thoughts i may have had at some earlier point.

t.v. sucks

american idol sucked royally tonight. it was totally lame.

a shift

my life has become a big blur of changing diapers and nursing. i can't remember which time sophie peed on the changing table, was that last night or the day before? i can't tell the difference anymore. i enjoy it, but it is very demanding. last night, i did sleep a few times for a few hours at a time. this afternoon, though, i had a choice between taking a nap or blogging. i decided to blog. it helps me get back in touch with myself a little bit.

my dreams have been obscure lately.

life is a little surreal, right now.

i'm not edgy

i don't feel super comfortable with the idea of posting pictures of my baby. not because i'm afraid of predators, but just because i don't want my blog to be about that. i sort of think of it as how some people are celebrities but that doesn't mean that their child should be in the spotlight. the child isn't able to choose. i also don't like the idea of a child (my child) doing modeling or beauty pageants. i really don't even feel like i should have to justify my reasons other than it's just my preference to avoid over-exposing my daughter.

sometimes i'm a martyr

this morning, i went to mcdonalds and i didn't want to wait in the really long drive-thru line, so i went in to order. i had to wait so long for my order to come up that i started to think maybe they forgot about me or something and i started to feel really stupid. i thought, i should go up to them and say something. but then i thought, no... they know about my order. they should have said something to me, like, "it'll be right up" or something. there was an old man there who was also waiting for a long time, like me. they walked right up to him and gave him a complimentary meal card in front of me. they said it was for the long wait. to me, they just gave me my food and the girl said, "sorry about the wait." i guess that old man was more important. but, i didn't say anything. i could have. but i didn't. then when i went outside, there was a homeless man who asked for my change, and i gave him 79 cents.

goodness gracious

there are things i enjoy about being in the hospital... pain is one of the things that i don't like about it. but otherwise, it can be fun.
we have to be very trusting of people to let them do surgery on us...
or take care of us when we are practically helpless.
anesthesia is a trip, too.
where do we go?

i never wanted water once

the cats examine the baby from a distance. i wonder what they are thinking. they certainly have an awareness of her.

we are born innocent

i was remembering this one time when i was in like second grade or something and it was back in the days of the original valley girl. people used to use words/phrases like grody, radical, totally tubular, and "to-the-max". well, my cousin Danny, who was a year younger than me... said "grody to the max --i pads" IN FRONT OF MY MOM! i about died! i remember it being a momentous occasion to me. i was very innocent/niave/prudish as a child.
one time, i was repeating something my mom had said and i accidentally used the word "shit" and i was mortified. everyone thougt it was funny, but i started crying because i felt like i'd lost my innocence. the same thing happened one christmas when my grandma put a can of aerosol deodorant in my Christmas Stocking! how embarrassing. i ran off to my room, crying. i'm such a nerd.

it makes you sleep too soundly

time is going strange for us lately.
today some lady in the waiting room said ....
meh, i don't care what she said. it's not that interesting..
my body is all weirded out right now.
that's something to which i have previously alluded.
it's a trip to not be able to bend your feet.
i can no longer fit my feet into my fake uggs.
something i've been learning about in life, lately, is acceptance of what is. that doesn't mean things can't or won't change... but, i am not in control of every aspect of every single thing in the world...
and i couldn't be even if i wanted to.

melts your heart

first doctor visit
well... i'll try not to be a stereotypical "mommy blogger," but, i am currently pretty much obsessed with poopy diapers right now. it's a biological thing. you can't fight it.

whatever

each day i see an improvement in my physical condition, but i'm still not functioning normally. i can barely walk because of the edema in my feet and ankles. my back is utterly killing me. i guess those are my two biggest complaints.
why am i watching the news? i need to turn that off and listen to some buddhist chanting. i should definitely be elevating my feet much more frequently than i do, but it's hard because there's always something to do which involves the use of my feet.
we are living in a bubble of love.
it's very difficult for me to sit still.
busy-ness is a coping mechanism of mine.
i have lots of coping mechanisms.

it's just a banana

your hands actually are like a vortex of energy.
last night i cried so hard my eyelidss are like big, purple grapes today.
i was just feeling overwhelmed...
needed to get rid of some cortisol or somethin'
but i am happy.
just in a lot of pain.
i know my body would benefit from some yoga, deep relaxation, massage, pampering, etc.
the past few days have felt like i'm moving around in molasses or something...
simple normal activities require the strength of will usually reserved for mountain-moving. ;-)