you'd have to be a masochist

so today we had to drive for six hours and there were tons of mudslides and rockslides and waterfalls and the river was brown and white rapids and trees had fallen down all over the place. when we got home the power was out for three hours. i figured target would be too greedy to shut down and i was correct. we went there and got some 75% off christmas candles and a couple of mag mini lights and some peanut m&m's for really cheap. we were only in there for like maybe twenty minutes and i discovered that i cannot walk around that much. i started to feel pre-term labor pains and had to go home and lie down. i was watching that show america's next top model and thinking how much it would totally suck to be a model. i would not like it at all, anyway. people are totally mean to you... they're just like, "you just don't look pretty." and "she has no upper lip" "i'm just not feelin' it" and they are talking about their finalists who are relatively attractive women. i just wouldn't be able to handle such up-front criticism... let alone all the underhanded stuff. i'd be like "who are you to judge? screw you guys, i'm outta here!" and then i'd probably want to run and get tons of plastic surgery-- which is brutal stuff.

t'was beauty killed the beast

we saw king kong. i took atticus to see it. he loved it and wants the movie for his birthday and he has the video game for xbox but he wants it also for psp. i loved the scenes with the dinosaurs and the humongous insects the best. the movie was quality entertainment, definitely. critics are gushing. jack black was funny, but the woman's affection for king kong was a bit perplexing. and since we're on the subject of cats today... i'll tell you my true feelings about our cats. bikey the cat is practically an invalid. he needs to be put down. maybe that's an exaggeration but he is fat and grouchy and generally unhappy and sleeps all the time. reese's the cat is usually moody and attacks anyone on a whim... she could be purring one minute and biting your hand the next. both of our cats dislike affection in general but any time i walk into the kitchen they practically knock me over begging for food. cats are a love/hate thing. you hate them as much as you love them-- if you're a cat person. otherwise you just hate them.

the garish light of day

the repeating theme in my dreams last night had to do with how no matter how hard i try to be something special or something cool... people who are just their natural self win out in the end. so to me that means that i should stop trying so hard to be someone special because i already am. hm.

what's your name?

the baby name wizard

love, me

last night i had a very strange dream (as per usual) but i was looking up at this really really tall high up rollercoaster ride and the effect was stunning, so i decided to take a picture of it... (something i do a lot in my dreams is take pictures or want to take pictures) and i got some video of this really trippy storm thing that was going on. there was a ton of other junk in the dream but it takes too much effort to sort it all out into words. today i get to go to the hospital again. (i'truth, i am not so thrilled about it)

fun at the hospital

today i got to spend five hours at the doctor's office/hospital because i am having contractions or pre-term labor or something and it was quite the ordeal. it feels like i spent the whole day there. they put me on some pills that lower my blood pressure so i'll stop having contractions and they make me dizzy, flushed, light-headed. i am supposed to take it very easy from now on. i don't have high-blood pressure, though. what a day. i even ate a hospital meal and wore a gown. they offered to wheel me out in a chair, but i opted to walk.

humans are crazy

each individual lives in his/her own little world of consciousness. we are all different but the same but different. the world i inhabit is not the exact same world that other people inhabit. i have an intelligent adult aspect and a spoiled, emotional child aspect. one of them wants to be in control. today, at quiznos i almost freaked out because they have too many choices on their menu and i felt like i would have to study it for a month to figure out what i wanted to order. but, then i regrouped and ordered the same thing i had last time and was quite happy with it. a small tuna sandwich with a cup of corn chowder. t'was good.

talk about

my new laptop is cool. or are we supposed to call them notebooks now? i don't know what the difference is. i'm re-reading this book i have by dion fortune called the mystical qabalah. so my little sister asks me if i am going to start wearing a red string. pffft. i've been trying to read about kabbalah for eight years and never once did i have an inclination to wear a red string because of it. it's funny how pop culture distorts things.

may your day be merry and bright

don we now our gay apparel

i got all A's this semester! yeehaw! i rule! my first semester at HSU i also got all A's. sweet.

don't let the sweet face fool ya!

today, we were going to go out to breakfast. the first restaurant we went to was really packed and there was this sexy girl standing out front talking on her phone and stretching around to show off her hot bod and i turned green with envy. this surfaced as me just being in a grouchy mood all of a sudden. then we went to a different restaurant and there was another skinny girl with tight jeans walking out front and i said to scott, "i get sick of everywhere we go there's skinny hot bitches!" so he just drives me straight home. he went in the house and i cried and cried til my face was beet red. when i came in the house he practically fell all over himself trying to make me feel better. i made tuna sandwiches and we went to the store where i got some temporary hair coloring. now i feel better! what a pregnant moodswing!

fa la la la la la la la la

last night i watched this show called the fabulous life of celebrity kids.

"Meet a new generation of fab: it's a world where solid gold pool tables are found in the playroom, and $500,000 pink diamond pinkie rings are stuffed in Christmas stockings."

something about it doesn't seem right, realistic or fair. how can these people justify these lifestyles when the majority of the world barely has their most basic needs being met?

"extreme wealth is increasing while extreme poverty persists for the billion or so people who live on less than a dollar a day (and three billion people, close to half the world’s population, on less than $3 a day). Is there any – economic, social, philosophical or metaphysical – justification for it? Or has this situation reached intolerable levels and must be stopped?"

...

"Things that matter most in the world have limits. Life itself has a limit. Happiness and Suffering have limits. So do Joy and Sorrow, and even Love and Hatred. Thus, there appears to be no reason (except human selfishness and greed ) why the accumulation of Excessive Wealth by a small (but growing) number of individuals should be an exception to that cardinal rule. We now realise that, to survive as a species on Planet Earth, mankind must overcome selfishness and greed, two of its worst traits of character. In order to survive, humanity must create a better world based on Peace, Justice and Solidarity. Ultimately, one thing is increasingly certain, either we shall survive together as a species, or we shall disappear together as a species. Nobody in his right mind would want Albany’s prophecy in King Lear: "Humanity must perforce prey on itself. Like monsters of the deep," to become reality."

--Extreme Poverty Extreme Wealth it's like-- these ridiculously wealthy celebrities are living off of the poor people. we are the ones that pay their salaries, in the end.

o heedless creature

poem by Vaspers the Grate O heedless creature enthralled with sundry delights, ferociously chasing uneven evaporations: What does your unknown expiration date mean to you? When you think about how you could abruptly die at any random moment? Or could just as suddenly, without a single warning, begin a long, tortured spin-down spiral into an unseemly whirlpool of anguish and mind-boggling pain, accentuated with absolute helplessness? The other side of that ugly and dreaded reality is full of hope and trust, truth and goodness, but what about that final phase? that lasting trace? your death-refrigerated face? What will unexpectedly come creeping out of your skinbag, smirking at all who encounter it, slithering in a senile imposture, slobbering, violent, blind, when nothing remains of Present Mind? How will your horrified wife, children, siblings, as onlookers purveying an astonishing scene, view your Final Self in all its macabre, in all its repulsively insane insatiability? Work on sanity, clarity, spirituality now... before the worst in you necessarily, monstrously begins to come out, in your last days on earth. Wretch, now what's that worth?

radical!

if you haven't seen this yet, you need to. i was alerted to its coolness by bunny's site. more info

landlords

so, the landlords came over yesterday. they saw that there was baby stuff in the room and the wife was all "is there a baby living here?" and i said, "well there's going to be" and she's like "we are your landlords... when were you going to tell us?" i said, "i'm due in march" that seemed to calm her down. the husband said, "children are allowed to live here" i dunno, it just hadn't occurred to me that we had to ask them if it was okay. we told them the bathroom door sometimes doesn't want to open so the guy shuts it and then we can't get it open at all! that was a huge scene of everyone trying to get it open. at least it distracted them from the cat who i'd shut in the closet and it was scratching at the closet door and poking its paw out from under the door. sheesh. it was like having parents come over and examine your life. but they brought us a tin of butter cookies.

mass hysteria

i'm watching Oprah and she's giving her favorite things to all the audience members (who were hurricane katrina volunteers). so far these people are going completely insane over a watch, a purse, and a coat. it seems a little bit crazy. although, i wouldn't mind having those things either. so far each individual has received over $2000 worth of merchandise and they will probably get more. yep. they will. i want these uggs.

nowhere to go

the landlords are coming over today for their annual visit to make sure the apartment isn't completely trashed. so, i've been motivated to do some much necessary tidying-up. today i watched this documentary called walmart: the high cost of low prices and honestly? i thought it was pretty lame. total one-sided sentimental propaganda. not credible, if you ask me. i still say it isn't walmart that's the problem (if there is A Problem)... it's the entire global system. basically it comes down to this: companies will do what they can to make money.

slept all day

making up for last night's general lack of sleep due to insomnia. it has been a rainy day. may as well sleep. it was nice. then i made pistachio pudding. mmmmm.

this is it

all this time i couldn't wait for school to be over and now that it's over, i'm depressed about it. i'm super sensitive and moody. also, clumsy, now. that is frustrating too. i took a bath today and then i bought some bubble bath because i am planning on taking more baths. (as opposed to showers, which i will also intermittently take.) bought a couple of christmas gifts. something for sophie. a cute little pale green jumper that has "watch me grow" embroidered over the heart area. there are so many adorable outfits for baby girls! i wanted to buy her a cabbage patch baby, but target was all sold out. they have a really crappy toy selection, anyway. last night we watched "the island" with ewan mcgregor and scarlet johansson. it was fun.

have an issue? here's a tissue

trying to come up with new angles for photos. yes, my face looks fat. life goes on. i have a fat face. i have been the most unbelievable grouch lately i don't even know what to do about it. last night i had this dream that i went to school and i was totally disoriented cuz things weren't normal how i was used to them being and i felt uncomfortable and was like, "i should just go back home." i just didn't belong there anymore. that's what it felt like. yesterday, i had this dream that i was at my final and i was sleeping and i couldn't get myself to wake up and when i finally got myself to wake up-- i woke up in real life and my teacher was not there because i was at home.

last day

that's it. no more classes as an undergraduate. i feel funny. i'm betwixt and between until i actually get that piece of paper. this is just how i feel: UGLY! grotesquely disgusting and gross! hideous. it doesn't matter what anybody says, that is how i feel. every picture i take of myself looks the same and i hate them all!

turkish delight

the movie was almost perfect. i especially liked edmund, tumnus and the white witch. of course, tilda swinton is awesome. i remember when i read the book (the first time was in sixth grade) i didn't like edmund, but i did like him in the movie. scott says i chew with my mouth open... i am totally unaware that i do that! how embarrassing.

psychic sidekick

i can't drive a car because my license is suspended for this ticket that i never paid because the cop should not have given it to me and so i rebelled-- cutting off my nose to spite my face. anyway... because i can't drive until i pay the now exorbitant ticket price (for which i probably have a bench warrant)... scott has to take me everywhere. well, he hates grocery shopping. i totally don't mind it, myself. but, when we go to the store, he is in such a hurry to get out of there that we always end up forgetting stuff. this time we forgot ice cream and shredded coconut. i suppose we can live without those things, but still. it seems like a waste of time to go to all the trouble of going to the grocery store and then hurrying through it and forgetting stuff. maybe it's just, me. ;-/

foody

today i am making mexican pizza. it is in the oven right now. i wonder what it will taste like. it's an amalgamation of multiple recipes i found on-line. i just felt like making something. yesterday, i felt the same way and i made another amalgamation recipe of peanut butter chew/bar cookie things. they turned out pretty tasty, but not how i wanted them to turn out. next time they need two more eggs and baking powder.

technorati tag/category: food

frowners never win

okay, i got a burst of cleaning energy and i completely cleaned the room that will be for the baby (Sophie). at this point in time it is still in the before stages cuz it has no baby stuff in it, but at least it is clean.

lay your weary head to rest

here is a picture for storytelling. today i took the final in my geog of the mediterranean class. the final is worth 25% of the grade. i pretty much bombed it. i'm thinking i may get a D on the final. However, i have an A in the class up til now, so i think i might still get an A. i've been spending too much time on the sims. i have HUGE piles of my clothes in what is going to be the baby's room. also, on my side of the bed i have the same thing. but i am NOT a slob! i've just been busy with school and the sims. the sims take up a lot of time, even when you use cheats. don't you think that is a good excuse? scott laughed at me.

"what if" ad infinitum

who am i? is there an "i" at all? impermanence. no permanent, fixed, unchanging me. the most common feeling i experience is anger. feeling boxed in, helpless, trapped, irritable, impatient, etcetera. these feelings are most familiar to me. is it the wrathful deities?

maybe i'm not stupid

i don't like ice cream that has anything hard in it that you have to chew. it ruins the whole thing for me. i don't want to chew my ice cream. we are planning to go to see Aeon Flux today. I want to see Chronicles of Narnia, but... not today when all the kids are seeing it. everything seems to be going okay with school for now. i'm not failing or dropping out or anything. i think i'm going to make it. right now i am feeling sorta tired. i keep yawning and when i am tired like this i get very clumsy and then i get really mad. last night i had dreams unlike my usual dreams... if any of my dreams are usual. yeah, i think they are.

crikey

the last paper i have to write for my college career is due in 23 hours. i'm not even half-way finished writing it and i've spent this whole day being a bump on a log. i played sims for three hours, watched tv and then took a nap. i still want to take another nap. the thing i like doing the most on the sims is building houses and decorating them. i'm an architect, now. or at least a simulated one. every time i see the crocodile hunter i wonder what it would have been like to have him for a son! crazy!

funny, isn't it?

"Mr. Herman Melville has earned a deservedly high reputation for his performances in descriptive fiction. He has gathered his own materials, and travelled along fresh and untrodden literary paths, exhibiting powers of no common order, and great originality. The more careful, therefore, should he be to maintain the fame he so rapidly acquired, and not waste his strength on such purposeless and unequal doings as these rambling volumes about spermaceti whales."--London Literary Gazette, December 6 1851 it's interesting how opinions vary so much. it's best not to listen to them at all, i should think.

right now, i'm in the school computer lab and the persons on either side of me both have runny noses and coughs and they keep sniffing and coughing. i want to make them blow their noses and take some medicine! hopefully, i am immune to whatever they have.

yuk

my umbrella smelled like mildew so i sprayed it with this orange-scented carpet deodorizer stuff and now it smells like mildew mixed with orange-scented carpet deodorizer. it's really disgusting. when people get near me, i bet they think i am what smells that way. in the computer lab, people were sitting near me and then they would leave right away and then i realized it was cuz that computer won't work. heheh.

y'think?

i guess i focus too much on the negative in life. our therapist-dude was trying to get me to tell him some of my positive qualities, and everytime i would come up with one, i would somehow end up talking about its negative aspects. finally, i got to talking about how i like to help old people clean up their house and buy their groceries and how i like to teach little kids art. he said when i talked about those things my whole demeanor changed and he thinks i should start doing volunteer work.

boy or girl?

in about two hours, we should know the answer to this question. right now, we don't know. then: we probably will. the space/time continuum is strange. it trips me out, sometimes. anyway-- i'm not sure how much the gender of the baby really matters, but it makes some difference. in a way, i think i would prefer a girl... but that's mostly because i already have a boy. i don't think i will really be disappointed one way or another, though.

it's almost over

i only have one week of classes left in my undergrad career and then finals. then, i will not be a student at HSU anymore. i'm starting to think about it when i walk around campus. soon, this won't be my stomping grounds. the great stream of it will pass me by. what will it feel like to remember it instead of being in it? i guess it will be good. i'll probably start to idealize it or something.

oh no!

I've wasted pretty much this whole day playing Sims and going completely braindead!

what's that scent you're wearing?

personally, i love the smell of wd-40. i think men should wear it as cologne.

nothing to see here

yesterday was our anniversary so we went to the bagel shop where we first met and to the restaurant where we had our first date. he got a tetris computer game and i got the sims deluxe edition (comes with two expansion packs). just what i need! i can't play it until school's over, though. i don't have time. we watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith. it was so hollywood.

i need lots of therapy

sometimes i wonder when i will be able to stop being me. it gets old, it really does. sometimes i just want to be grouchy and negative and stop trying to be positive and happy. happiness is overrated, you know. i feel tempestuous and wrathful, sometimes. i just want to curse everything and everyone within a million mile radius. stupid everything! nobody understands. nobody cares! i don't even understand or care, so how can anyone else? i'm awake. that annoys me. buzz off! (but not really)

it ain't me, babe

i heard the song it ain't me, babe this morning and it just broke my heart. i've heard the song many times, but this time, i just couldn't take it. it got to me. why, bob dylan? why isn't it you? that's not fair! and it's not fair to all unrequited lovers that they get stuck with someone whose heart won't work for them. it makes me sad. but sometimes i like to be sad.

my brain is a broken record

the little pic of pandora on my sidebar is this cool thing that raymi had on her blog. you can think of a song and the site will play other songs that are similar to that song. it's really cool. you should try it. one thing that really makes me wonder if i have OCD, is that i get snippets of songs stuck in my head for, like, a week at a time. first it was this really lame song from madTV and right now it is Tomorrow by Silverchair. these songs are like intrusive, unwanted thoughts. it seems like my brain just gets stuck on them or that my brain just keeps going around on the same circle all the time. other ocd traits that i have are sometimes i am really weird about organizing things. since it is an anxiety-related disorder, some times are worse than others. also, i spell/write things in the air with my finger a lot. like, obsessively. last night i had a dream that involved my having like five birds-- all different and beautiful, but i only had one cage for them.

skin of my teeth

i always feel like i'm just barely making it in life. one thing about me is that i am not a very affectionate person. i don't feel comfortable with affection. and i don't feel comfortable with not feeling comfortable with affection. case in point: my cat. i've always thought that my cat, too, doesn't like affection. whenever i would pet her, she would bite me, so i just figured she was grouchy like me and we got along fine like that. but, scott is a big petter. when he first met my cat i told him she doesn't like to be pet. come to find out, she just mostly doesn't like it when I pet her. the main thing is that i am skittish about it... i don't go whole hog like scott does. anyway... i've got to get to the bottom of this for the sake of my future.

try this

wasabi flavored funyuns are delicious i turned in a paper today. i was a bad girl and wrote a ten-page paper in about four hours. i think that i will pass, but... i didn't proofread it until i was on my way to school to drop it off, so i had to correct my typos with a ball-point pen. a sure sign of shoddy workmanship. also, my title wasn't formatted correctly. oh well. i'm lucky i turned something in.

so what

there are too many cars. people drive too much. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. --Albert Camus I think that taking life seriously means something such as this: that whatever man does on this planet has to be done in the lived truth of the terror of creation, of the grotesque, of the rumble of panic underneath everything. Otherwise it is false. Whatever is achieved must be achieved with the full exercise of passion, of vision, of pain, of fear, and of sorrow. How do we know ... that our part of the meaning of the universe might not be a rhythm in sorrow? --Ernest Becker

maybe it's true

one thing that is cool about having a blog and about taking lots of pictures of myself is when i look back at the old stuff and remember and see how things have changed in less than a year's time. it reminds me, also, that life is not as boring as it seems.

i always forget what i'm going to say

we have overstayed our welcome at my family's house this thanksgiving. yesterday, i was getting quite irritable. we are messy, negative, boring people and we are weird. everybody is weird and thinks everyone else is weird. yesterday, we took three young people to see Harry Potter Goblet of Fire. we hat to sit in the front three rows. the kids loved it, but scott and i did not like it at all and we both fell asleep. when we woke up, we were like "this is the longest movie ever!" it was two and a half hours of teenage angst. i am surprised kids even have the attention span for that stuff. my sister already wants to see it again. she said she read the book in sixteen hours. gary oldman wasn't even in it this one. come on!