you're so fine, my 409

oy vey. oy friggin' vey, man.

i have issues. i don't care, i must need to write about it or something. i can't spend my energy trying to present myself a certain way. the main thing is that i feel like the incredible hulk. but, instead, i am the credible hulk.

i am 33 years old.

i feel tension in my shoulders. i injured my hand beating up a chair last night because yesterday's bus trip ended up being from hell. i need a hamster wheel for myself to get into and just GO! i have a grand canyon of adrenaline stored up in my system from a lifetime of emotional trauma. and i've been working on myself! this whole time. unusually so. i have been a person focused on trying to deal! but reading everything i can get my hands on about psychology, self-help, new age, religion, philosophy, metaphysics, nutrition, whatever has not helped me enough. so anyway, yeah... i am going to call a doctor today and make an appointment cuz this is just ridiculous.

if you try to be too strong and handle everything on your own without ever asking for help because it would be too embarrassing or awkward and you can do it by yourself if it kills you and it slowly seems to be...

enraged at feeling helpless, powerless against the injustices of the world because life's not fair, is it?

but this is all just thinking.

and thinking is my problem. my big addiction. spinning my wheels. i really want to go for a walk.