my dad and me

i think i was 26 maybe in this picture.

spanksgiving

today was a day of travel. road trip! it wasn't too horrible, though-- thank goodness. the worst part was trying to find music on the radio. and then the smell of cow poop as we reached the valley. ah. home.

so good

look what i can do! i made this caramel corn and it is the best. it's nearly impossible to stop eating it-- which is dangerous because... here are the ingredients: two bags microwave popcorn two cups brown sugar two sticks butter half cup corn syrup boil the last three ingredients for five minutes add a tsp of baking soda mix into popcorn eat! click on pics for extra close up gooey goodness

you're in the army now

last night i woke up at one in the morning and i was wide awake, so i cleaned the living room and wrote down a list of all the things that needed to be done so they would get out of my head. so far today has been one of the most productive days ever. i feel much better, now. tons of stuff was accomplished and i don't feel so bad. i had another panic attack, i think. one reason i feel like they are panic attacks is that i sweat when they happen. we were in target and i went one row over from where scott was and then he was gone. poof. nowhere to be found. i started cursing him in my mind. i take it really personally, like he totally ditched me on purpose. every second that goes by, i am more freaking out. finally, i found him and scolded him like he was a child. that was embarrassing for us both. then i was like, i'm sorry, i just freaked out. also, i was at the library and when i walked around the corner someone else also walked around the corner and we almost bumped into eachother and i totally freaked out and overreacted like i was in a warzone or something. i swear, i have ptsd. it's embarrassing. i totally need to chill.

where is my motivation?

We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say. When your writing blooms out of the back of this garbage compost, it is very stable. You are not running from anything. You can have a sense of artistic security. If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. --Natalie Goldberg

today, i had some sort of panic attack, i guess. it just seemed like everything was a matter of life and death and nobody knew it except for me. everyone else was just totally nonchalant about it and i'm like, "don't you realize how important this is???" sometimes i freak out.

soothe the savage beast

when i get really hungry i get really mean. it makes me feel like a caged animal. if i had an AK-47 when i was really hungry, people had better watch out or give me something to eat. those are the choices.

intentionally mind-numbingly boring

i've decided that i am not going to try to make this interesting at all. in fact, perhaps i will try to make it as boring as i possibly can. this morning, i cut scott's hair. then we went to taco bell. i got my favorite: 1/2 lb bean burrito especial no onions plus sour cream. then i stopped at safeway to get carrots and celery. i also picked up a couple of cinnamon rolls and two half gallons of ice cream because they were buy one get one free. then we went to the video store and got charlie and the chocolate factory with johnny depp, even though we've seen it already. plus we got two wonka candy bars. oh yeah, and we went to k-mart to get a carpet remnant, but they only carry them in back-to-school season, not holiday season. i've pretty much finished the paper on the trickster, but it is definitely generic. i just don't have the heart and soul to put into it that i'd like. yesterday we had salmon from costco and it was dee-double-icious. i have low self-esteem. in fact, it is probably in the red.

blogdrama

there are a million different kinds of blogs out there. i surf them quite regularly. most of them are mildly interesting, but many are simply not my cup of tea. it may seem very rude of me, but i dwindled down my 'blogroll' to include blogs that i genuinely desire to read and eliminated those that are fine and have their own merit, but just don't keep pulling me back, really. my opinion and taste are just that. it says nothing about the actual blogs themselves, necessarily. i am honestly surprised that anyone has any interest in my blog, either. i mainly just blog as an outlet for whatever i feel compelled to type about. my blog is actually quite repetetive, just like my thinking. whenever anyone randomly asks me what i'm thinking about, they are usually sorry because it goes something along the lines of . . . "well, i was wondering if i should take my sweater off and use the blanket, or should i just put the blanket on the floor and wait until later when i want to use it. and which light do i want to turn on and which light do i want to turn off." deeply profound stuff like that. i'm probably a very boring person. to me, i am, anyway.

off-kilter

i have yet to begin working on my papers. maybe i have to procrastinate because i need extreme pressure in order to write the crap. i just have little interest in doing it. what i need is a swift kick in the pants. there are so many things i could do, but mostly i like to zone out or sleep. i've been reading a book called Holy Fools. at first it was hard to get into the author's mode, but now that i am, it is interesting so far. i feel like i can sort of relate to the main character.

under pressure

i don't work well under pressure. maybe if i bake lots of yummy food and give it to my teachers instead of the papers that they don't really want to have to grade anyhow.... they would let me slip by. i need to write two papers this week. one is a ten page research proposal and the other is a 5-7 page paper for which the topic i have chosen is the trickster. i think both papers could be interesting to write if i had some way to slow down time and write them at my leisure. this week i am also moving out of my little trailer which i rarely visit, in any case. plus, i have to go on a trip to visit family for thanksgiving.

boring cooking stuff

whatever. i just made a pot roast, but am not 100 percent pleased with the results. i had the temp. up too high. it was supposed to simmer, but i had it up at 2. so, the meat is not as moist as i would have liked. plus, i guess i should have had a tighter lid. i used a loose lid. it's the first pot roast i've cooked in as long as i can remember. i'm not sure if i've ever really cooked one before. i want to cook another one, though; and, next time get it right. live and learn, i guess. the potatoes didn't get cooked all the way, either-- which is not entirely un-remediable. i can cook them a bit longer or put them in the microwave. it's frustrating because i am a perfectionist in my expectations, but i cut corners when i'm doing things... so that doesn't work out too well for me. i guess i get impatient or something. anyway, the next meal i'm going to make is chicken and dumplings. i've made that successfully a few times (and once not so successfully when all the dumplings melted-- it still tasted great, but it was like a chowder).

surreally

a lot of the time, lately, i have ants in my backpack or in my binder and when i am at school or other places, the ants crawl out. usually it is just one or two ants. they probably wonder where they are and how they got there and where all of their friends and family went. it makes me feel like salvador dali. i even took some on the train with me last weekend. one time, i had an ant in my hair. anyway, i had a half-eaten payday candybar in my purse last night and the ants were feasting away on it this morning. i threw the candy bar away, but all day long i was finding ants on and about my person. it's kind of sad, because i must be a bit of a slob. i cleaned out my backpack the other day and there were ziplock baggies with old peanut-butter and celery and also a half-eaten muffin... some dirty socks... lol. it's embarrassing. i need help.

tantrum

i am burnt out! i refuse to do any more schoolwork! i refuse to think ever again! i do not want to write any more assigned papers. nononononooooooo! you can't make me! i don't care! i will just drop out of college at the very last minute. or if i just don't do any more work, maybe i will get a C in my classes? i don't care anymore. i hate school. it is stoooooooooopid. i can't read anything else! i hate it all! waaaaaaaaaah!

once upon a time

this is when i was in my mom's belly. yes, they were very young. 16 & 17.

bittersweet misery

from garrison keillor's column (in salon.com) Winter is coming, which simplifies everything and shows you that the essentials of life are heat, food, shelter, plumbing. The rest is decorative. The life that your wife writes about in the Christmas letter, the life of steady accomplishment and upward movement on life's graph, is mostly fiction. The reality is that we are all in over our heads. I am and you are. God help us. things on bunny

words in clips and phrases

1. Mighty::ducks
2. Gotta find time to ....::unwind
3. Statistic::static
4. Midnight::oil
5. Thaw::freeze
6. Hips::rotund
7. Reader::ship
8. Related::belated
9. Brilliant::poise
10. Posture::crooked

only five weeks left til i have my degree. that is, if my head doesn't implode before then. i was dreaming that i was eating three dozen donuts and after that, i switched to poptarts.

the old grind

usually i don't smile in my photos because i don't like the way i look in smiley pictures and i'm not a very smiley person, anyway, i don't think. my face might crack! i like mozart piano sonatas. i've been playing them for the baby so it will be a math wiz.

very interesting

i like this sculpture. read the story about it. It's 'Alison Lapper Pregnant' by Marc Quinn, a sculpture depicting a disabled pregnant woman. thanks to vaspers and the cool blog he found called learning aesthetics

sledgehammer sky

best music ever

bloopy bloopy bloopy bloopy

see? a new shirt. isn't it exciting? totally. la la la la la.

i almost believe that these pictures

yesterday, when i got off the train, i forgot to get my luggage, so it went all the way to bakersfield and back. wheeee! i got tired of wearing the same two outfits every other day, so i bought some more clothes. they accentuate the sticky-outiness of my belly. that's good, though. today, every teenager on the planet was at the mall. they all had to go to the hollister store, (including my lil sis) and pay way too much for the same thing everyone else is wearing. we went to a craft fair that was cram packed full of people. the baby got a bib and some booties. also, i entered a raffle to win a queen sized quilt. i have won a quilt raffle before, so maybe i will again.

i apologize

if you subscribe to this blog's rss feed, i am sorry if you just got a bazillion notices that i updated my blog. it is due to the fact that on my mom's computer (where i am right now) my sidebar is at the bottom of the page no matter what i do to try and remedy it. sometimes computers can be so annoying.

click clock click clock

i really do not like the sound of high heeled shoes. i don't like for shoes to make any noise. my shoes or anyone else's. usually, i think negative things about people who walk by me wearing noise-making shoes.

a walk on a slippery rock

"Philosophy can really give us nothing permanent to believe either; it is too rich in answers, each canceling out the rest. The quest for meaning is foredoomed. Human life means nothing. But that is not to say that it is not worth living" --Peter DeVries "Young people are too all-or-nothing, too certain: I've always felt that I must never be too completely sure of what is right. Let belief be tempered by discretion." -- J.K. Galbraith

mega-corporations: good or evil?

click on the pic for larger view

i know a lot of people don't like mega-corporations such as walmart-- especially around here in humboldt county. this is currently a hotly debated topic. but where does it end? what would we have to give up if places like walmart were forced to stop doing what they do? we trade one thing for another.

y'know

these are pregnant celebrities. my point is... um... i've been feeling huge lately and i'm not even six months yet. i can't expect myself to be feeling, y'know.... super attractive or whatever when being pregnant makes it sort of difficult. i mean, yeah-- there are some majorly amazing model-types who might pull it off to some degree; but, it's still not easy. as far as the current standards for female beauty are concerned. photos from dlisted

in a bad mood

i get this way sometimes. i feel bored and i don't want to do anything at all. i don't want to take a nap, i've slept enough. i don't know if there's anything i want to eat. probably not. i don't want to go for a walk. i don't want to do homework. i don't want to watch t.v. or a movie. i don't want to listen to music. i don't want to talk to anyone. i'm angry at the cats because all they ever want is for me to feed them. ROAR! i think that i am creatively frustrated! i also want money to spend on useless crap like i don't already have enough useless crap! i don't want to go through all my useless crap though because i don't want to do anything but be bored and miserable! and, yes, i am taking anti-depressants and i do see a therapist, but i probably need more therapy. blah!

home again home again jiggedy jow

last night i dreamed i was playing this computer game where i was flying in outer space and then i found the 'god-dude' and it was a giant space squid that turned into a ufo with a mandala in the center and it flew out of a fan-hole in the ceiling and i was frightened. fer reels.

i like egg nog

none of the thin, watery stuff, either! it has to be thick egg nog. in general, i like dairy products. cottage cheese, buttermilk, cheese, cream cheese, ice cream, butter.... sour cream... the list goes on and on.

why i blog (revisited)

1. for me, blogging is a creative endeavor 2. my blog is like looking in a mirror, but different 3. i enjoy the randomness of other people's comments on my blog 4. i'm trying to figure out how i fit into the world 5. i like looking at other people's blogs 6. i've always liked journaling-- this is a new way to do it

always me

blah blah blah blah blah

what can i say today that will make any difference at all? not a gal-durn thing! oh, i know! today, i was at the grocery store and they announced that you would win a free cake if you stand on the winning number. i was directed to a number and it was 23. i felt really lame just standing still in the aisle and i decided not to wait. i walked off and they announced the first winning number: 23! but, the way i figure, the person who ended up winning the cake would probably enjoy it more. i would have been somewhat averse to the attention, actually.

the old man is snoring

today we saw jarhead. i liked it. there was some crazy vietnam vet in the theatre who kept shouting out angry opinions during the movie. i was scared he was gonna go off on everybody. then these three girls said "shut up!" in unison. after that, he wasn't there anymore. i guess he left. there were also crazy people on the bus today. these two guys were talking about how one of them had a computer chip in his brain that was put in there by 'man' but had something to do with the mark of the beast and the other guy said he was trained by 'international agents' to hypnotize people. there were more crazies, too. but, i know people have short attention spans... like 8.5 seconds... so, i'll stop here.

pamper me

yesterday, i went on my first ever trip to a beauty Spa. scott got me the gift certificate months ago, and i was nervous about having strange people fondle my body so i postponed making the appointment. now, however, i am hooked. I had the anti-stress treatment massage and a pedicure. lovely lovely lovely! so now, i think i should go there once a month, at least! if everyone in the world got a massage every day, the world would be a different place, that's for sure! there's nothing like it-- with the aromatherapy candles and the new age music and the catering and everything. i recommend it.

i like food

today i had the most awesomest cinnamon roll with cream cheese icing melted in the microwave for thirty seconds. mmmm. i'm getting to where i really love sweetened cream cheese. i'm going to make some later when the cream cheese softens. i will add two cups of powdered sugar to it and try not to eat it all in one day. also, i pretty much eat a bowl of ice cream in the middle of the night every day, now. i never really used to be so big on sweets before i got pregnant. i blame it on the baby.

technorati tag/category: food

playin' hooky

Today, i did not go to school even though i technically was supposed to. i felt like i could afford to miss this day, so why not? but, i didn't really do much of anything worthwhile except for feel bored all day. i have heartburn all the time now, so i guess i need to buy some rolaids or somethin. watched the first episode of firefly... it's pretty much exactly like the movie. last night i read the myth about psyche and eros and i liked psyche's story. this one part especially was meaningful to me:

In trying to put on a new face, a 'mask,' she makes a bad mistake. She does not receive youthful beauty, innocence, or purity but instead falls to the ground in a swoon. It is as if she is weighted down with the responsibilities of mature life and with the awareness of her own mortality. Opening the jar in spite of the taboo is a mistake, a failure, but this is also necessary for the full life. It is a reminder that some human destructiveness must be integrated into our lives for full maturity. We have to come to terms with our grievances and guilts, with our imperfections. Beauty and imperfection go together." (Biallas, 1986)

caw

birdie, birdie in the sky please don't potty in my eye

i'm no baby, i won't cry

gee, i hope the cows don't fly

worth all of the pain that i've gone through

november is my favorite month. it used to be october, but october isn't autumnal enough anymore. i like the fall weather and i used to like the candy from october, but now i like the food at thanksgiving! last night i couldn't sleep so i watched conan o-brien. he is a funny guy. i like his sense of humor. the link is a conan paper doll!