pot and kettle

yesterday, after the weighty lord of war, i wanted to see a chick flick so i saw just like heaven. it was fun. i enjoyed it. napoleon dynamite was in it and he was funny. mark ruffalo is sweet. today, i stayed in bed all day and read The Poisonwood Bible. i'm almost finished with it. it's really good, from my point of view. now, i will eat marinated tri-tip with pasta and zucchini. it's been a relaxing day.

Lord of War

Lord of War is a good movie. there are good actors, good performances, a very interesting story and it is a movie that sort of sneaks up behind you and steals away any trace of idealism you may have had left lingering in that sleepwalking brain of yours. that's what it did to me, anyway.

it was cast perfectly. i liked all of the characters. it was hard to know with whom to identify-- i could identify with all of them even though they were mostly opposed to eachother. the movie ended up being much more impactful than i'd expected.

phantasmagorical

last night in my dreamworld i was at my grammie's old house with my uncle frank and as we were leaving my grandpa (who is long dead) said thank you to me for something and then after we'd walked further away he was mean and sarcastic and wasn't really thankful about whatever it was. then all hell broke loose, literally. this weird little girl was trying to eat my soul and i hurried into my uncle's car. we drove a couple of blocks to this hospital where everyone was a zombie. i had to crawl out of there to escape while zombies tried to get me. all the non-zombies had to band together and if a moth-zombie got stuck to one person's back, it would be on everyone's back and we had to bite them off and kill them. we found this paint that made all the walls tranparent so we could see who was coming to get us and we ran and ran for our lives.

hot media

so, scott's computer had a virus or something that erased all his files and programs and his photoshop was like borrowed or something. so, he downloaded a new trial version of photoshop and it is GOOD! much better than the old one. i recommend you give it a shot. it is sort of hard to figure out how to use it if you've never used it before, but if you are determined you can do it. don't let the complicated look of it intimidate you.

sleep aid

i put my head down on my desk in my language and culture class and i really really fell asleep because i woke up at the end of class and i had all these sleep marks on my skin. i hope i wasn't snoring. so then i went to the library and laid down on a sofa and tried to go back to sleep and i totally could not sleep at all! that's so strange. it's like i can't sleep when i should be able to and i can sleep really well when i should not. i need to record my teacher's lectures so they can help me go to sleep at night.

i'm famous

this is from the HSU Lumberjack. woohoo. i am not even sure if that is really what i think about needle exchange programs. i should have added: along with drug prevention programs. also,i look kinda dorky, but oh well.

lack of sleep

last night was the worst night's sleep i've had in months. the pillow i was using was more like some sort of sadistic torture device. i have to have a very soft pillow, or it really screws up my neck. this pillow was more like a huge brick. not really, but it was way too firm and lofty. also, the cat was taking a very noisy bath right in my ear for like two and a half hours and i must be allergic to the cat's saliva because i sneezed a bazillion times and could not breathe correctly. those are the mitigating factors. so, i'll probably have to take a five hour nap today. oh well.

blog is sleeping

this is my last semester as an undergraduate and i'm sort of freaking out as far as wanting to make sure that i don't slack off and fail all my classes which i know will not really happen, but i am still panicking about it. i have four weeks until i have to do a 20-30 minute presentation on translation issues in the UN and also a 10 page paper on the current conversation about cultural anthropology. i feel myself wanting to freeze and feeling overwhelmed. i feel like i should not be allowed to do anything other than study with every spare, waking moment. so that's what i've been up to. i have pictures on my camera but complications are making it impossible for me to upload them at this time.

pointless post

i think the best thing that an individual can do is to work on herself first. you can't help other people if you are incomplete or you need help yourself. you can't have peace on a global level if you have inner turmoil on the individual level. so inner work comes first. i don't claim to have any answers for anyone. i don't know that i have any kind of consistent answers for myself, even. i try to raise my consciousness by working in whatever ways i know how to improve my own mental and emotional condition. i think that is the best i can do for anyone, right now. as far as my being buddhist... i can't really claim to be buddhist except that it is my favorite philosophy. my practice is intermittent and unstable, just like pretty much the rest of my life. if i appear to lack compassion or common sense, even... please remember as i am working to remember to cast out the beam from thine own eye before you worry about the sliver in your neighbor's.

rub-a-dub square

this weekend i read The Godfather. to be honest with you, i've never watched the movie. i had no reason to. it just never appealed to me. and normally, i don't read novels much because they usually don't hold my interest. i love it when i find one that does. The Godfather held my interest. i could barely put it down. it invaded my dreams when i slept. it was a good novel. i wish that i could be like Vito Corleone as far as being able to keep my anger under control when i 'reason with' people. the only thing is, i need to find a way to do it that doesn't involve chopping off horse's heads and having people killed when they don't understand 'reason'. also, it made me think how much any form of government can be like a mafia in one way or another.

through the looking-glass

i was listening to npr and this guy paul jay was the guest. i didn't think i was going to find it interesting, but i really did. he is involved with independent world television and it sounds pretty cool. he talked about how the mainstream media directs the opinions of the mass audience but never spurs people to take action. a passive attitude is generally encouraged. he says we cannot afford to live a habitual life! we've got to wake up! you can't go back to normal life. also, have you read this? Empire Burlesque

come on!

i might have to put a hit out on my Geog. of the Mediterranean teacher. he seriously just loves to hear himself babble incoherently about his travels in the region and never ever ever does he talk about anything that he has assigned for reading or anything that is academic in any way. he drives me completely and utterly insane and i despise him. no, i do not have compassion for his arrogance. i resent it horribly because i am a horribly fraudulent buddhist in every possible way. i honestly feel like he is one of the worst teachers i have ever had in my entire life. i have learned nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing about the geography of the mediterranean. i have been sitting in the handicapped chair because the normal desks KILL my back and i have scoliosis, so it is legitimate. well, during lectures, he pretty much stands with his back to me the entire time. it's like i don't even exist to him. i know that i should go and talk to him, but by the time class is over i resent his voice so much that i don't think i could tolerate another moment of talking with him after that. also, during some discussion about venice, he and other people in the class were making jokes about new orleans which i thought were in very bad taste. it is really not a funny situation there in new orleans. but the mainstream media would have us think that it's no big deal... what a facade! they are trying to discourage us from caring about the situation there and trying to blame it on the victims. i think my teacher works for the mainstream media.

ya mo be there

it seems like pretty much a daily thing that when i ride the bus, these transients will get on the bus and they have everything they own in their possession and they have to make like three trips to get it all onto the bus. it amazes me that the bus drivers allow it. i really just think it's funny. yesterday, the bus i was waiting for was over fifteen minutes late. gee, i wonder why...

time, time, time see what's become of me

you know what kind of bugs me? when teachers waste classtime. my geography teacher has, in my opinion, completely wasted the last three class sessions. i think it is incredibly rude. when teachers talk off-topic, go off on tangential stories about their own lives (are we going to be tested on this?) i mean, i'm all for learning about the teacher's life and his opinions on random topics, but you know-- i have other things i could be doing. it would be nice if they would write on the syllabus "you don't really have to come to class today, nothing relevant to the course will be discussed"

we live like kings and queens

my dad always used to say that even the poor people here in the u.s. live like kings and queens compared to much of the rest of the world. i've been thinking about that a lot lately. even in my little hovel, i have everything i need to be comfortable. i've been reading this book about the mediterranean in the 1500's. only 500 years ago, each and every thing that people had was very hard to come by and very much savored and valued. it took six months to take salt & pepper from somewhere near the mediterranean to somewhere in africa, just for example. for the vast majority of human history, things like clean clothes and a hot shower were only for royalty.

the story of a girl

i am happy because the coolest woman ever who works at the bank just reversed a $90 overdraft charge on my account. i love her now and we are going to get married!

you think everyone should like you?

would you trust them if they did? wouldn't you start to wonder what they had up their sleeve if nobody ever said anything critical about you ever? if you think that you're better than everyone else, then what do you care what they think about you, anyway? do you want a bunch of people for whom you have little respect to approve of you? why? approval and disapproval are only temporary conditions and constantly leave you chasing after more. why not just let go?

"Grasping at things can only yield one of two results: Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear. It is only a matter of which occurs first." Goenka

you, too, can exploit the fatty deposits on your chest

how to become a webcam girl an excerpt from the anti-webcam girl coalition:

Writing talent? Content? An actual purpose to the site?! Who needs those!? Once you say that you’re a woman, every word that you type will immediately have some type of relevance to the future of humanity as a whole. However, the image that you want to portray is what will have an effect on your Internet well being. For this, you have one of these choices: ... bare your breasts at the drop of a hat, [write] poetry that makes no sense, BATHE YOURSELF IN LOTS OF LIGHT! ... degrade yourself when given the opportunity for more hits or popularity....

if i get sidetracked

we like the word 'bungalow'

today, at the end of my Living Myths class, the teacher read us the story The Geranium On The Windowsill Just Died But Teacher You Went Right On and it really got to me. it's taken me about an hour to stop mourning the lost childhoods of the world. and something of my own... yes, i am emo

divine intervention

I don't know where I'm gonna live Don't know if I'll find a place I'd have to think about it some And that I do not wish to face I guess I'm counting on his Divine Intervention I cannot understand my God I don't know why it gets to me One day my life is filled with joy And then we find we disagree All depending on his Divine Intervention Does he love us does he love us? Does he love us does he love us? I look around and all I see is destruction We're all Counting on his Divine Intervention When he comes the sun shine When he comes the sun shine Sunshine, the sunshine Here it comes...

that song is from Matthew Sweet's album Girlfriend which is a great album from when i was 18.

this is really scary

do not watch this Wedding Crashers spoof if you're under 21. (watch for a cameo by me) thanks to the churning for the idea.

fait accompli

i got the place i wanted. also, school starts tomorrow.

ferris wheel lights

cats can be very annoying sometimes. last night my cat jumped on my face and punched me in the eye and gave me a puncture wound on my eyelid just because she wanted to go outside at three in the morning!

your vince vaughn connection

i'm sorry if you don't care about vince vaughn and every movie he's been in. i'm still going to talk about it because i care. anyway, the last five i watched were Clay Pigeons, A Cool Dry Place, Swingers, Made and Dodgeball (which I'd seen before, but it is funny!) truly, my favorite so far is still Wedding Crashers. i enjoyed Clay Pigeons. even though it was kind of unrealistic-- i like Joaquin Phoenix and Jeanine Garofalo. A Cool Dry Place was kind of like a movie of the week, but it had some truth to it. Made got bad reviews, but it didn't royally suck. Vince's character was really an idiot, though. Swingers was torture until the end and it redeemed itself. all in all i don't regret seeing any of these movies and today i'm going back to the video store for more! i'm addicted. too bad i'm not getting paid for this. i guess the entertainment is payment enough.

self-deprivation

one time on my birthday when i was like eleven or something, my mom took me to an ice cream parlor and said i could have whatever i wanted. i really wanted a banana split, but i was a strange kid. i felt like i didn't deserve to have a banana split and that it would be too greedy to pick that, so i just had a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream. i felt sad later, that i hadn't picked what i really wanted. i also never liked asking my mom for money and i always felt guilty when she bought me school clothes. to this day it is difficult for me to ask for what i want.

murderball

today i saw this movie called murderball. it was good. a documentary about paralympic rugby. helped me to realize what a spoiled brat i can be sometimes. most of the time, i guess.

reasons i am un-cool

1. i don't have links to all the coolest blogs. 2. i don't post naked pics of myself. 3. i don't use lots of swear-words in my posts. 4. i don't go to bars. 5. i don't have lots of cool friends that i take random pics of to post on my blog. 6. i don't blog about sex. 7. i don't post links to pics of naked people. 8. i try to avoid typing at length about my psychological problems. 9. i don't use a ton of slang. 10. i try to spell correctly and use proper grammar as much as possible.

do i lack compassion?

riding the bus pretty much guarantees an encounter with overtly insane people. if anyone is looking for the insane people of the world-- take a trip on the city bus and you will see them in all their glory. drunk people are in abundance as well, but i guess it's good that they're not driving. same with the insane people. i'm pretty much used to it, but it is sometimes too much to deal with. i have enough problems of my own without having to listen to and smell these wierdos. sometimes it helps me feel a little more sane, though, being surrounded with the likes of them.

chopping broccoli

i just finished watching The Cell. it was very interesting. i enjoyed it very much. yesterday, i watched Domestic Disturbance. that was okay. i got mad at the mother for being such a selfish beyotch. the day before, i watched the remake of Psycho. it was pretty hokey. i don't see what people see in Anne Heche. it was cool to see Vince in all these different types of movies.

better food

incorporating more fruits and veggies in the diet takes conscious effort. last night with dinner i had two small tomatoes. this morning i had a grapefruit and a banana. with lunch i will have steamed broccoli with lemon & butter and an avocado. one thing about it is that you really can't store veggies for long. it's best to buy them fresh each day, which is not particularly convenient.

technorati tag/category: food

an unusual situation

so i got my hair cut today because it was getting kinda scraggily. i didn't want length removed, but i wanted it to have a little more movement. nobody ever seems to know how to cut my hair because i go to cheap people who've never cut my hair before-- and my hair is very coarse and very thick. this picture doesn't really show it very well, but all the other pictures were less attractive, so i chose this one. i think i always look lame in most of my pictures. i see them and i think-- what the? that's not me! anyway, i'm pretty sure i have a place lined up. tomorrow, i will know for sure. the parties involved are going to sleep on it and we'll decide tomorrow.

you can find me left of center

tomorrow i have my day cut out for me. i'm gonna be running around from 9-3. i've been getting a lot of exercise riding my bike everywhere. another person said no i can't be their roommate. i've decided this is because there's something more perfect out there for me.

honeycomb

here is my beautiful favorite candy. i don't think this place where i got it makes their own. the fresher the better. i will savor it, nonetheless.

and now, deep thoughts

one of the best things about v.v.'s performance in Return to Paradise (that's what i'm calling vince, now) is the part where his character is struggling with whether or not to be true to himself and who is that self, anyway? something about the development of his character during this process seems almost shakespearean, to me. but i did read some critical reviews of his performance-- such reliable sources as the back of the video box compare him with a young, funny Brando. some even say he is like the proverbial spawn of elvis and ann margaret, i think i read somewhere. i'm obviously biased, here. i hear vince has put on a few pounds... he'll have to get a trainer.

so i'm a little slow

i have begun my own personal Vince Vaughn movie fest. i rented four of his movies that i've not yet seen and the first one i've watched is Return to Paradise. of course, it was easy for me to watch it because Vince Vaughn is basically the star and it was a movie that was both dramatic and romantic. either Vince had no body hair back in 1998 or they removed it all for that film. i guess it's because they were supposed to be young guys. it wasn't the best movie i've ever seen, but i got to watch Vince Vaughn play an interesting character who was grappling with a difficult choice. and i cried at the end-- so i got rid of some cortisol.

apple-chested birds

i had this dream where there were these little birds who used crab apples as their chest. they would pick it up with their chest and make this suction around it and then it made them look like robin redbreasts. also, they and their fellow birds would nibble on said apples. once the apple they were donning became all chewed up, they'd switch it for another. very strange!

fake donuts

these are so adorable. i want to make some.

Surangama Sutra

"Things are not what they appear to be: nor are they otherwise." more buddhist quotes

it's been real

today i went to see what textbooks i need for my classes this semester: Geography of the Mediterranean one book we'll be reading is The Godfather Language & Culture Living Myths Anthropological Theory One of the prospective roommates chose someone else. you never know why. maybe she found a hot guy or something. who knows. her house was rather pristine, in any case. i would have felt like i was messing it up just by moving in.

nothing lasts

hollywood chews up young women and spits them out old. being a vegetarian does not make a person healthier or better or holier than anyone else. today, i ran around looking at prospective rooms to rent. it wore me out. two of the places will be deciding this weekend and letting me know by monday!

clinking

sometimes i just don't understand what the point is of everyone and their mother linking to certain very popular blogs that everyone and their mother already links to so what is the point of another blog linking to them? is it so everyone who comes to your blog will know that you are one of their groupies? is it like name-dropping? i try to link only to blogs that most people don't already link to. is it so that blog will then perhaps link back to you? but then they are only linking to you because you linked to them. it confuzles me.

fear factor is so fake

i have begun the hunt for a room to rent. i was surprised to find there are actually quite a lot of rooms available. my timing must be just right, i guess. tomorrow, i have like four or five different places i'm gonna check out. i got a new purse today that was marked down from an original price of $40 all the way to $2.50. i am going to make beef stroganoff for dinner.

wow

he is so cute! i feel so immature that i have suddenly developed this ridiculous crush on vince vaughn. what is up with that? i think he looks best right now. when he was younger he was too pretty. i look forward to seeing him in some better movies soon. not so many of the silly movies. he should be a leading man in a romantic comedy. yeah baby! maybe even just a good drama. i apologize for being all fangirl. i know it's lame.

smart aleck

yesterday, i went to the zen group and i was the only new person there. they asked me what i thought. i said i thought it was easy compared to some groups with which i have sat. i said it seemed short. it was 20 minutes sitting then 10 minutes walking and 15 minutes sitting again. like mini-zen. then they asked me if i would prefer longer sits? i said i didn't know if i would prefer them, but that the last place was longer (two hours instead of 45 minutes) and they did prostrations and chanting. what i really meant was that i was glad it wasn't very hard because sometimes i don't go back when it's harder. anyway, i'm afraid i came off as arrogant. but, i did mention that maybe i wasn't concentrating hard enough. i managed to keep track of counting my breaths, but still my mind was secretly ruminating about the normal stuff that i obsess about all the time. it reminds me of when i was in first grade and during naptime this boy Jason and I were feeling eachother up and we got in trouble and were sent to the office. the principal wasn't there so the secretary swatted us with this big wooden paddle that had holes in it. she was really nice and it didn't hurt and i said so. she asked me if i'd like another. i said, no.

silly me

i told myself i would go do zazen this evening with a meditation group here in town. i've never gone to this particular one before and i'm already feeling anxious about it. isn't that silly? to feel anxious about zen?

unconscious mutterings

Complexion::skin

Teach::learn

Back to school::cool

Months::nine

Nominate::prince

Favorite curse word::screw

Concerned::worried

Better::stare

Escalate::try not to hate

Unveil::whale link at bottom of sidebar

wanted: imaginary friend

sweet misery

i just finished watching Stage Beauty with Claire Danes and Billy Crudup. i loved it so much. it got to me the way good theatre gets to me. i cried throughout most of the movie. not out of sadness-- just out of the intensity of all of the emotions. earlier, we went to see Wedding Crashers. it was much funnier than i'd expected and i liked it. it was fun. when we were leaving the theatre, this older woman remarked to her husband that there was too much juvenile humor for her taste. true, the humor was juvenile; but, it was still funny.

any way you look at it, you lose

dual dwelling duos living apart together

scott and i have decided that living together sucks! it is liberating thinking of our new future in separate dwellings! here is my kurt cobain impression

i hate all blogs

for a vast portion of my life, i have had a sublimated desire to work in animation. today, i was watching the commentaries on Ren & Stimpy Season 3 and 1/2-ish. it was interesting, because i did not find most of the episodes amusing. and then, when i watched the commentaries, i found out why that was. the earlier seasons were produced by a different company or something.... so they were different. funnier. the writers were complaining about how those last few episodes were not right.

oh my gosh, a skunk must have sprayed outside or something! that smells very bad! actually, now it smells like really strong spray paint. but, i think i would fit right in with the people who do animation. they are perfectionistic and critical. just like me i think i will now become asphyxiated.

Now, with no Trans Fats

I'm really needing some inspiration. I'm bored with everything and can't seem to get myself out of a rut. what do you do when you feel this way? my life feels stagnant.

half-assed meme

Normally I'd not do a meme, but I like this one. Except I am not going to tag anyone. If you want to do the meme then that's cool.

List ten songs that you are currently digging … it doesn’t matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they’re no good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they’re listening to. i've linked to the lyrics, if you're interested Redemption Song -- Bob Marley If you Want to Sing out Sing out -- Cat Stevens I don’t Know How to Love Him – Jesus Christ Superstar Hip 2 B Square – Huey Lewis and the News Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen Inside Out – Eve 6 Black Boys on Mopeds – Sinead O’Connor Plateau – Nirvana I Won't Back Down -- Tom Petty Maybe -- Annie tagged by janet

let the summer vacation begin

i finished my last paper. yay for me. it is about how shadow work maintains the social fabric of oppression. do you know what shadow work is? well, you should. it is any work that is necessary to keep a social structure in place but that is not recognized or acknowledged as work. examples of this are cooking dinner, doing laundry, rearing children, or any other work that an oppressed person (or group) does in order to keep the dominant person (or group) feeling dominant.

i should just stop blogging

if you go by what this guy and his followers say. (the icon is a link to the article which burns my blog)

there's a million places to be

being ill is an incredibly humbling experience. this morning i had carrot cake for breakfast. now i'm cooking some bacon in the oven because it is easiest that way. i love the smell of bacon cooking. today is the last day of my summer school class. i had to leave early yesterday because of the migraine. so, i missed the feminism discussion. rats! someone should definitely put pregnant womens' acutely sensitive noses to work. i can detect and identify even the subtlest of aromas. i should work for a building inspector-- i could smell dry rot from a mile away. most of the time i feel like i'm about three years old. i can barely interact with anyone on even the most basic of social exchanges. i'm prone to start crying if i have to explain anything to anyone. yet, it is so strange how i am a B student who will be earning her B.A. in five months.

if ya wanna sing out, sing out

man, when mercury goes retrograde it really goes retrograde on my ass. sorry, i was just channeling the stand-up comic in my personality complex.

but seriously, folks, this has been a rough couple of weeks for me, all in all. there's gotta be something cosmic afoot. that's the only possible explanation. either that, or i was abducted by aliens and i don't remember. i have two days of class left and my final paper is due Friday. i haven't so much as cracked a book since i wrote my last paper. but, then, i get a couple of weeks off school for some much needed free time. i'd like to go to a Shakespeare Festival. i think there's one in Benbow. or Annie is gonna be in san francisco this month, i think. that would be cool, too.

i want all this and more

i have been in unbelievably huge amounts of pain for at least 32 hours now. sometimes it subsides for about 15-20 minutes... just long enough for me to think the pain is going away-- but then it begins to ascend again. i have an infection in my jaw, basically. the doctor gave me some safe antibiotics.

i've been using cold packs and hot packs alternately, mainly to distract myself from the inescable, mind-numbing, throbbingly unbearable pain. i've been squeezing on the pressure points in my hands, but that only lasts for a brief period. i think it, too, serves mostly as a temporary distraction. i've slept as much as i could sleep, but as soon as i wake up, the pain is waiting for me. no escape

trivialities

last night i had dreams about paintings. some of them were mine. some were not. my grandma and i ate pot roast while watching Dolores Claiborne. we had vanilla bean ice cream for dessert.

my tooth hurts. today is another big train ride. people keep calling my mom to ask if i am really pregnant. one of these people was my ex-husband. how is it any business of his? and shouldn't he be asking me?