Wednesday, April 07, 2004

jaded melancholy

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I don't know what to write, either. Everything I think of bores me. I am as indecisive as the weather. I'm tired of myself. Having been at HSU for three months now, faces and places have become familiar to me. I wonder what it would be like to leave, now. What would it be like to go back to Modesto? I think that after this semester is over, I will go to Modesto for a few days or more. Hopefully then, I will miss Arcata and want to return with more of an appreciation for what I like about this place. I've become accustomed to seeing all of the various North Coast styles... the glass-beaded dreads, the eclectic clothing, all the organic food stores. I think that I could travel the world and still be left with this sensation of meaninglessness. Maybe if I focus more on trying to find a less toxic roommate situation, I will again find a feeling of novelty and interest in my daily life. As it is, I feel as though I have nowhere to lay my head and I am weary. I don't feel emotionally safe where I live, now. I am the only one who can take responsibility for changing that.