Monday, March 29, 2004

musical purchases

I bought two used cd's today. I was looking for Sinead O'Conner I do not want what I haven't got, but... I do want it and they didn't have it! So, instead I bought nickel creek, which is very nice... and Madonna I'm Breathless!!! I've been wanting that one for a while! Now I have it and I am glad! :-D Coolio! Life is good. I also want to get something by Ryan Adams eventually, and Coldplay, Hope Sandoval, Jack Johnson.... and more! My cd collection is in need. Plus, I was going to try out The Pixies, since Wil Wheaton talks about them on his site so much and I am not aware of ever having listened to them... but, I can only buy so many cd's at once.

Two Interesting Excerpts

"As an experiment, go into an average American home and inventory the furnishings. Check everything that was bought new for cash from a store. Those transactions registered on the economic screen. Everything else--inherited portraits, borrowed chairs, wedding gift silver, tables from garage sales, homemade bookcases--to some extent or another slipped beneath the economic radar. Yet they represent transactions that are significant in social terms, even if neither money nor sales taxes were paid." (p. 170, Seeing Anthropology by Karl G. Heider) "...Take an American middle-class ten-year-old's birthday party. The birthday child invites a dozen friends, each of whom brings a gift having a value of a few dollars. The children get food (ice cream, cake, soft drinks), perhaps a minor present to take home, and entertainment (home games, an expedition to a skating rink, or the like). During the next year, the birthday child can be expected to be invited to 12 birthday parties, and should bring an exactly comparable present (sometimes, depending on the current fads, it is the same thing--a Barbie doll or Pokemon trading cards, for example). At the end of the annual cycle, everyone should be about equal. There should not be any great variations in cost of the present, impressiveness of the entertainment, and the like. So what's the point? Obviously, one function of this shuffling about of interchangeable goods and services is to strengthen ties by keeping everyone constantly in someone's debt. The social network is being constantly strengthened. A birthday party, in Mauss' words, allows us to 'catch the fleeting moment when the society and its members take emotional stock of themselves and their situation as regards others.' (Mauss, 1925/1954:77,78) Seeing Anth, p. 202

Saturday, March 27, 2004

my day

Today, I went out and about on the town. I left intending to buy Atticus (my son) his birthday present. His birthday is April 4th! I got him a Gameboy Advance game called Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Also, I got him some fake fossils which are really cool. And some fake tattoos of Chinese characters. I am tempted to steal one. So, anyway... I went to the mall in Eureka. It is not the most exciting mall. I had ordered Wil Wheaton's book at Border's and they said that they can't get it!!!! NOT FAIR! I'll see if my mom can order it for me on Amazon. Let's see... what else? I bought a cheap pair of sunglasses. Actually, they were under $6 but originally priced at $30, so that's nice. I got a book by Franz Kafka called The Metamorphosis, In the Penal Colony and other stories. Last night I went to the movies and saw Taking Lives. It was ok. I want to see The Ladykillers, too. Anyway.... now I am going to catch the bus and go home to see if I have any messages on the phone inviting me to go do something fun. If not, I'll just have a beer and do some reading. BYE BYE!

Friday, March 26, 2004

sinead o'conner

I really like sinead o'conner. One of my favorite songs of hers is The Emperor's New Clothes. It rawks! \m/. (That is supposed to be a symbol for making the devil horns sign with your hand-- silly, I know). I need to get another copy of that album, cuz I lost my old copy.

Thursday, March 25, 2004


I want my hair to be like a 1960's Vidal Sassoon bob. Kind of like I saw on Shirley Maclaine in a movie once. Or like a mixture between this and this. I have an appointment tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

The Peace Prayer of Saint Francis

"O Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace! Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is discord, harmony. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sorrow, joy. Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life." I may not be perfect-- in fact, I know I'm not... but these words do offer encouragement and solace for my sometimes weary heart. Apparently this has been recorded as a song by Sarah McLachlan.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

it only takes a sunny day

It's nice and bright outside. Spring is upon us. The campus boasts an amazing array of blooming perennials which smilingly greet me as I walk from class to class. There is also such a diverse selection of fashion styles outfitting passersby. I find it comforting that there is not really one dominant way of dressing here at HSU. I've become accustomed to seeing people sporting all sorts of mix-and-match apparel, the variety of which is unparalleled to anything I've seen before. It seems very individualistic, but I guess it really isn't. In a relative sense, maybe it is.

roommate stuff

I have been doing some research on the legal aspects of this whole roommate situation and have found that because my roommate and I are co-tenants, meaning both of our names are now on the rental agreement... we have equal rights and neither of us has the right to ask the other to leave. This also means that we have equal rights when it comes to defining the rules that we will abide by such as cleaning and the use of space-- which is written in our original roommate agreement that we both signed. This includes the right to respectful and open communication regarding disputes. Instead of continuing on with this ridiculous power struggle we've been having, I have decided to be my own advocate and stand up for my rights. I will no longer allow myself to be treated with such disrespect. I don't have to remain a victim!

poison oak

I think I had a brush with some poison oak the other day. Now my arm really itches! That's what I get for trying to do a good deed by helping Friends of the Dunes pull up English Ivy that's invading the salt marsh. I'm glad I did it, though. Hopefully the rash will not develop any further. I don't think it could've been poison ivy, I think that's not on the west coast.

Monday, March 22, 2004

one more because i can

I'm going to catch the bus home in about five minutes. I just had a personal pan pizza and it was greasy and yummy. Now, I am full. I've been walking around all day in my Chuck Taylor's, and now my arches hurt. I have to ride my bike down the hill once I get off the bus. That can be scary, but at least it's over fast. Plus.. it's getting dark. Also, I have anxiety about talking to my roommate, if she's home. Oh well. I'll try to keep a positive outlook.

ho hum

Some people will like you and some will hate you. It's not possible to have everyone like you. So, it shouldn't really matter what people think of you, right? Sometimes, I feel like everyone hates me. It's just hard to "click" with everyone I meet. My sense of self seems fragile, sometimes. Especially if I worry too much about the opinions of others. I think that there will always be the realization that I am ultimately the only person who has any chance of fully understanding myself. I am beginning to feel like I really have no control over other people's opinion of me.

i'm free!

It is such a relief to be back in school after Spring Break. I really like to be going to school. Life with my roommate leaves much to be desired and I was beginning to feel so stifled, especially since I can't escape into the internet anymore while I'm home. Now, I am able to keep my email messages cleared out properly and update my blog! Phew!

Friday, March 19, 2004

weekend update

I have nothing to say. I'm at the library now, cuz I no longer have internet access at home due to my roommate "cutting me off." Spring break is nearly over and I will have plenty of internet access at school. Until then, I remain....deprived.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004


Listen to me recite the first verse of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky from audblog Powered by audblogaudio post powered by

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

"it's larrupin' good"

One of my new favorite things since I moved to humboldt county is Larrupin' Good's Swedish style Mustard Dill sauce. It's larrupin' good on bagels with cream cheese.

tres amusant

"Referring to Simpson's role on MTV's 'Newlyweds,' Bush told the audience, 'Jessica Simpson is here with us, which means we've finally introduced reality TV to the Lincoln Theater.' He meant Ford's Theatre, of course, but everyone knows President Lincoln was shot there. 'An easy mistake to make,' Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle told us at a post-show dinner at the Organization of American States. Simpson, whose verbal gaffes are also legendary, pulled another one Sunday visiting the White House, our sources say. The singer was introduced to Interior Secretary Gale Norton and gushed: 'You've done a nice job decorating the White House.'" --from the Washington Post 3/15


I purchased two very good Beth Orton CDs last night. YAY! Got them at The Works and they were "recycled." Coolio. Beth Orton's what Tigger's like best! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Monday, March 15, 2004

Composting I want to compost. I mean, I want to start a compost pile in my backyard. One reason I want to do it is that my Grammie used to do it when I was little. She used to have me "help" her out in the garden as she buried the organic waste she'd collected. So, mainly my motivation is nostalgia. Plus, a friend gave me a pumpkin seedling that will grow into a Giant Pumpkin! So, I need to get the ground ready. It'll be cool.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Mushroom Identification OK. I was wrong about the mushrooms. My conclusion after much deliberation is that one of them is an Amanita pentherina, a dangerous hallucinogen related to the 'toadstool.' The other two are some form of Agaricus, I think they're Agaricus sylvicola and are edible. However, there is a form of this species which is poisonous. I don't think I'll risk eating them at this juncture.

I must kvetch Today I felt a large amount of anger and adrenaline rushing toward my roommate. I kept calm and I don't think that I displayed any characteristics of anger.... but I went into the back yard and my hands were shaking and my heart was racing. The "fight or flight" instinct had kicked in. She is just SO ridiculously irrational to me! I don't know how to deal with it, so I just try to pretend that it's not bothering me.... because I think she would gain a great deal of satisfaction if I showed a reaction to her immaturity. Plus, I feel like I've got to figure out a way to deal with this stuff somehow. Situation: Last night, I vaccuumed the livingroom and there was this pile of her "belongings" (crap) by the door that's been there for over a week. I just picked it up and put it in her bedroom by her door. Well, this morning she put the stuff back on the floor by the front door. Her explanation is that she is going to put it back into her car after her car gets towed here from the auto shop. I just said, "Oh, is that gonna be today?" She didn't really answer me but gave a round about explanation that made no sense. I explained to her that I had moved it into her room because I vaccuumed and straightened up before my family came over last night so the place would be more comfortable for visitors. Inside I wanted to FREAK OUT! The last thing I knew, her car needed a new engine and she wasn't going to be able to pay $3000 or more to get it fixed. But Whatever! It's always all these little things that make no sense that are her excuses for being what I consider extremely inconsiderate. I mean, when my car died, I had to empty out all my junk; and, I brought it home and found somewhere to store it. I would not just pile it in the livingroom and leave it there for any length of time at all! That's rude! Oy vey!

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Boletus Edulis Today I collected agate at Agate beach. On a different hike today, collected three mushroom specimens to identify. They were great mushrooms. I left them in the trunk of my mom's car, however. They should be safe there until tomorrow. I'm pretty sure two of them are Boletus, but I really have no knowledge on which to base this idea. My sister and I did a little shopping. I got a pair of "wraparound pants." I've always wanted some. Actually, I was going to make some once, but never got a "round tuit." Now, however, I could use this pair as a pattern. I'm proud of the fact that I paid $15 for them at a usually very overpriced boutique that was having a sale. That makes it all the cooler. I finally found a Nag Champa sachet. I got the store's last one, but they'll be getting more in soon. GOOD. I want to put them in my drawers and in my closets. The main reason: I live on the coast and the air is kind of damp in my apartment, ergo; musty closet/drawers. Oy! Earlier I had an Iced Chai and some coffee cake at Muddy Waters, a great little coffee shop. My brother called it a "Hobbit House." The Chai was delicious. By lunchtime I was ravenous and I ate way too much of some fish-n-chips at a little place in Trinidad. No need for dinner after that! The huge chunks of cod were very fresh and I drenched them in malt vinegar!

Arcata="Carrie Town" My thirteen year-old sister is here to visit (along with my 11 yr old bro, my mom and my stepdad). I was showing them the Plaza area in Arcata and my sister said, "This town was made for you! They should change the name to "Carrie Town." That was funny but, also a compliment. It made me feel reaffirmed that I definitely made the right choice for my undergraduate degree. I love Arcata's vibe and HSU's, too! I think it definitely suits me. I'm beginning to feel more comfortable here now. I've been here for about 2 1/2 months. One great thing about it for me is that there are not TONS of people like there would be in say Berkeley or if I went to UCLA... or even Stan. State. It's very chill.. very mellow... and quite "lovely."

Strange Dream I had a strange dream that I was a witch. I was living in an upstairs apartment and in the middle of the night, I decided to go on a little fly on my broom. I was flying around over the treetops and I flew right by a police station and all the cops saw me. That freaked me out so I flew back to my apartment and into my window. The neighbors saw me fly in. I got into bed and covered all the way up. I was scared that they would all be upset and think I was a witch, which I was, but.... not like they thought. Nothing to be afraid of. I've had dreams before that I was a witch. Anyhow, it woke me up and I came downstairs to get a drink.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Comments Now Work! I am so happy. It took perseverance, but my comments function is now up and running! So, comment away!!!

"We'll have Coffee, We'll Talk" Sometimes I feel guilty that I automatically drink coffee every morning no matter what. I'm definitely addicted to coffee. Last night I had a dream, actually right before I woke up. I was at school and I saw this guy I went to high school with, Eugene. He was quitting his job.... a job that another friend of mine was going to take but decided against.... managing 3 pizza restaurants. Eugene said that he was quitting because he didn't like it. There were tons of girls doing makeovers on eachother. I had to walk up this really big hill on a curvy road carrying a rug and two pillows in addition to my backpack and I could barely walk. There was also some strange supernatural orb that would sing. I thought it must be an angel. Dreams are strange because they are not linear in one's memory. That's why it's hard to write them down.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

"Technology Obsessed" I guess I am technology obsessed. It's sad if I am, though, since I seem to really know so little about technology to be obsessed with it. I do think of the computer/internet as my shelter in some way. It's a different world to try to grasp and muddle through. A different level, maybe. I've always observed fashion and the trends around me. Here in Humboldt County, there is definitely a definitive 'attitude' being expressed through fashion. I love to check out people's shoes and take note of their general style. Maybe this is the anthropologist in me who makes observations about the culture I've become enmeshed in. The last campus I attended had quite a contrasting feel to it. Being closer to Southern CA, the Central Valley is a totally different vibe than the North Coast area. Here, I notice a wider variety and a lot more improvisation; whereas, in Modesto there's a lot more conformity of "beautification." People there who stray from the norm really stand out. There was ONE guy with dreadlocks at Modesto Junior College. At HSU, it's more like you stand out if you DON'T have dreads. I feel self-conscious if I wear make-up here. It's more oriented to being one with nature. Which is cool.

Comments link I'm trying to get my comments function working but right now it doesn't work! Sorry! Soon it should work. I have to figure out why it's not working. I'm inexperienced at these things.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Oy Vey! I just like that phrase.

  • "oy vey"
  • I had a good day today. I feel like I'm doing well in school. Tomorrow is the second exam in Chinese, though. I need to brush up on that tonight and tomorrow morning. Practice writing the characters. For me, the repetition of writing them is what gets them into my head.

    Yay! A friend helped me get Wil Wheaton's button on my Links! I'm so happy! Wil Wheaton is cool. You should check out his site.

    Don't Laugh! I've only sung one song at a karaoke bar. It was Heard it Through the Grapevine. Next time, I want to sing this song: When Will I Be Loved (Originally performed by The Everly Brothers in 1960, hit # 8 on the Top 40 charts Remade by Linda Ronstadt in 1975, it reached # 2 on the charts) I've been cheated Been mistreated When will I be loved I've been put down I've been pushed 'round When will I be loved When I find a new man That I want for mine He always breaks my heart in two It happens every time I've been made blue I've been lied to When will I be loved When I find a new man That I want for mine He always breaks my heart in two It happens every time I've been cheated Been mistreated When will I be loved When will I be loved Tell me, when will I be loved

    Vow of the Bodhisattva "With the wish to free all beings until they reach full awakening I will always go for refuge to the buddha, the dharma and the sangha. Today, in the presence of the enlightened ones inspired by wisdom, compassion and joyous effort I generate the mind aspiring to full buddhahood for the well-being of all sentient beings. For as long as space endures and for as long as sentient beings remain Until then, may I too abide To dispel the misery of the world."

    Why I like American Idol I know it's kind of a cheesy show, but I still like it. I really enjoy listening to people sing, especially when they are able to move me to tears. A few of the singers always do when I am watching that show. I so appreciate vocal ability. It's a gift from God, I think. It's a way for the spirit to communicate. I think that I secretly wish that I was on American Idol. I don't think I could handle it, though. I do like to sing, but have no voice training and my only practice is when I am alone. I sing a lot around other people, too... but, not with the full force of my voice because I am not confident enough. Singing takes me away from this world.

    Tuesday, March 09, 2004

    Diligence is quite a virtue For the past two years, I have not had a job. This was by choice. After my dad died, I couldn't bring myself to work anymore. I didn't like my job, for one thing... but I also just lost whatever tolerance I had for wasting my time doing something I didn't want to do. That's why I went back to college full-time. Anyway, I recently decided that I ought to start getting myself used to working again, because I am sure that I will need to have some sort of job at some point in the future. So, I am currently cleaning a professor's house once a week for up to 2 hrs. It's amazing how my mind tries to get me to not go to her house when I am supposed to. So far, I have gone despite the part of me that doesn't want to. It really isn't so bad. I find myself trying to make excuses or practicing my phone call to tell her I don't feel like coming today or asking her if she really needs me to come. It is not a difficult job by any means. Her house is not very dirty at all. It's just the whole principle of "having" to do something that is planned and... I don't know. I really am unsure as to why I am so resistant to doing it. Part of me sees some positive aspects to the situation. Besides, I'm doing it by my own choice. I don't really "have to" do it. The resistance and the inner struggle are interesting to me.

    Frustrated Can't figure out how to put one of Wil Wheaton's button's on my Links! Grrrr.

    This song's stuck in my head I Have Nothing (by Whitney Houston) Share my life Take me for what I am Cuz I'll never change All my colors for you Take my love I'll never ask for too much Just all that you are And everything that you do I don't really need to look Very much farther I don't wanna go Where you don't follow I won't hold it back again This passion inside Can't run from myself There's nowhere to hide Don't make me close one more door I don't wanna hurt anymore Stay in my arms if you dare Must I imagine you there? Don't walk away from me I Have Nothing Nothing Nothing, if i don't have you You see through Right to the heart of me You break down my walls With the strength of your love I never knew Love like I've known it with you Will the memories survive? One I can hold on to You're the love I remember forever (I eliminated alot of the repetition) *song stuck in head due to watching American Idol. See what happens??

    Monday, March 08, 2004

    This is my last Rumi quote... I promise Wings of Desire People are distracted by objects of desire, and afterwards repent of the lust they've indulged, because they have indulged with a phantom and are left even farther from Reality than before. Your desire for the illusory is a wing, by means of which a seeker might ascend to Reality. When you have indulged a lust, your wing drops off; you become lame and that fantasy flees. Preserve the wing and don't indulge such lust, so that the wing of desire may bear you to Paradise. People fancy they are enjoying themselves, but they are really tearing out their wings for the sake of an illusion. Mathnawi III, 2133-38 *pocket reader (see previous references)

    Geology Colloquium I've been attending these this semester. This one was my 4th Geology one. They are always way over my head, but I'm getting one unit simply for attending and besides, I figure I'll get the gist of what Geology is really all about in the "real world." I love Geology as a hobby, I think. I don't know how "nice" I find the graphs and statistics to be . . . that's what caused me to lose interest in Psychology as a major. Anthropology is not so bad in that arena, which is why I'm majoring in it!

    Psychology Colloquium I just finished attending a lecture on Decision Making by Dr. Scott Plous. He mostly discussed issues with memory; and, how in the decision-making process certain factors are often overlooked... such as the context of a question. Losses hurt more than gains please. People are risk-seeking when it comes to losses and risk-averse regarding gains. Memories are malleable and prone to influence. One thing this brought to mind for me is that when I take multiple choice tests I think I sometimes get an answer wrong even though I really knew the answer, due to the wording of the question--especially when it's multiple choice. Often all of the answers seem right to me.

    More From Rumi This is apropos for all those interested in commentary on The Passion of the Christ. Here's what Rumi might have proffered. The Companionship of Fools Flee from the foolish; even Jesus fled from them. Much blood has been shed by companionship with fools! Air absorbs water little by little; even so, the fool drains you of spirit. He steals your heat and leaves you cold, like one who puts a stone beneath you. The flight of Jesus wasn't caused by fear, for he is safe from the mischief of fools; his purpose was to teach by example. Mathnawi III, 2595-98 *from the pocket RUMI reader

    There is No Absolute Reality I love the new link I posted on my sidebar. Check it out! (the WMD one) My friend Patrick introduced it to me. Yesterday, he and I went and saw Starsky & Hutch. I liked it. It's the male answer to Charlie's Angels... but funnier. I also met Patrick's new roommate and she is pretty cool. She is Jewish. Someday she will make matzo ball soup and I hope I get to try it. Here's a poem I like from Shakespeare: I have it memorized. "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow Creeps in its petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out! Out! Brief candle! Life is but a walking shadow. A poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot: Full of sound and fury; signifying nothing." Hopefully that is correctly quoted. I like Shakespeare. Twelfth Night is my favorite and so is Hamlet. Today, I have a MidTerm in T'ai Chi. My instructor says to relax because it's a stress-free "A." I don't know the form as well as I'd like, but I can get by. We will do it in a group.

    Saturday, March 06, 2004

    Mass Consumerism Since it's such a lovely day, I decided to walk up the hill again and I bought a new area rug for the living room. It really makes the living room look so much better! Cleaner, brighter, fresher! Yay!

    Sunny Day I rode my bike up the hill to buy a few things. I got some foaming carpet cleaner and carpet fresh. Necessary when there are three cats living in one apartment. I decided I'm going to start taking vitamins, so I bought some Vitamin C and some Amino Acids. I bought some Girl Scout cookies. Samoas. They are one of my favorites. Chewy coconut, caramel and chocolate. I took my cat to the vet this morning to have her sutures removed from when she was spayed. She had booster shots and Advantage. I spent $50 on all that. I've never been one to spend money on cats, but I have to be responsible for this cat since she appears to own me. Well, she was a stray who "followed" my son home from school one day. I sort of feel like more of a "responsible" person when I take care of her. She's only 7 months old. Who knows how long I'll have her.

    The Placement of Household Objects I get in these moods where I want to go into this sort of mindset in which I intend to perceive the energy of the objects around me. Then, I want to adjust anything that seems "off" or not placed with intent. Some of this is due to my "feng shui" phase. The whole "clutter clear" thing. I cleared clutter for practically a year straight a while back. I've sort of been interested in this art for years. It is only in the past couple of years, since the death of my father, that I seem to be a bit "obsessive" about this so-called spatial energy. There's this "voice" (not the schizophrenic kind) or feeling inside that communicates that a table needs dusting or that picture is hanging askew. I feel that it is my obligation as an aware individual to organize things! I could see this positively or negatively depending on the situation. Sometimes, I guess it interferes with my peace of mind --because I let it. I might want to blame other people for not seeing reality the way I do. Feel exasperated that something so totally obvious to me could be completely disregarded by the next person.

    IQ Well, I've taken several IQ tests over the years. Usually ranging in the 120-130 range. Last night I tried to take the test with the television show Test the Nation. I think I missed a few of the questions because I was not paying attention. Like, during one question... instead of paying attention to it, I was looking at Leeza Gibbons' lip gloss. It was shining in my eye and distracting me! So, my score was about 118. Oh well. I usually think I'm genius level, but sometimes wonder what does that prove, anyway?

    Friday, March 05, 2004

    Mindless Movie I went to the movies today with my roommate. She wanted to see Disney's My Life as a Teenage Drama Queen starring Lindsay Lohan. I'm too old for such things. See, my roommate is 18 and I am 30. Makes me feel old. I realize that I am no longer 16, 18, 21, 25... nope. Old! I guess I'm glad to be older, though... I never relished any of those other ages. I don't wish to be younger as myself. T'wasn't that much fun the first time. :-) Well, I suppose it had its moments. Mostly torturous, though. It just seems like now, my outlook on life is more realistic. Of course, I often find myself feeling as though I am intellectually superior to the people around me. As I was watching Drama Queen, though, some lyrics in a song struck a chord with me. She sang, "You don't need a high IQ..." blah...blah...blah... At that moment I found myself contemplating the truth in that statement. A high IQ isn't necessary to be successful in my culture. Sometimes it works against one, verily I say unto you.

    Alan Watts My favorite writer is Alan Watts. He was from England and used to explore the relationship between Eastern and Western philosophies. Here's an excerpt from his book The Meaning of Happiness written when he was 24. "It is as if we ourselves were the hole in the handkerchief; we see some other part of the handkerchief and think how pleasant it would be to fill our emptiness by acquiring it. So we cut it out and fill ourselves, only to find that we are now the new hole--the invisible blind-spot in the universe." another: "In other words, unless you accept all that the loneliness and isolation of self-consciousness involves every attempt to get away from it will be futile."

    Rumi I like the Sufi poet Jalaluddin Rumi. Here is a sample of his poetry taken from The Pocket Rumi Reader: To Clutch at Madness Conventional opinion is the ruin of our souls, something borrowed which we mistake as our own. Ignorance is better than this; clutch at madness instead. Always run from what seems to benefit your self; sip the poison and spill the water of life. Revile those who flatter you; lend both interest and principal to the poor. Let security go and be at home amid dangers. Leave your good name behind and accept disgrace. I have lived with cautious thinking; Now I'll make myself mad. Mathnawi II, 2327-32

    It's Friday I just had an exam in Geology. I had forgotten and did not study last night. I think I did well, though. It wasn't very difficult. I want to see that new movie, Starsky & Hutch. It looks good. This weekend I need to spend some time catching up on homework. Finish up my Chinese homework and do some assigned reading for Anthropology. No other big plans, though. Maybe I'll be surprised and something fun will come up. I've been pretty busy the last few weekends. Down time might be good for me. But it's boring!

    Earthquake Country The area in which I live is very high in earthquake activity. It is near a subduction zone and the Mendocino triple-junction. The rest of California is on a transform boundary or a left-lateral strike-slip fault. Geology is one of my favorite subjects. I seem to have a pattern of developing a crush on my professors. It's a little fantasy world that keeps my attention on the teacher while he speaks. Of course, he is discussing my favorite subject... but it helps if he also has terrific eyes. ;-)

    My Tarot reading for last night was really "spot on." The deck I use is Aleister Crowley's and I have a book I use which goes along with the deck. Significator: 8 cups Indolence "The water of the emotions stands, not renewed by any spring. . . You've already wasted enough of your energy on people who give nothing in return. You've filled them with your energy, but they were like bottomless barrels. You feel empty and sucked dry. It may be an old behavior pattern to direct your love to people from whom nothing comes in return. In what situations do you hide your true feelings?" Recent Past: 4 cups Luxury "Painful situations and experiences. Old wounds have been touched and bleed anew. Accept fear of defeat and let it go; setting free energy that's been bound up in fear." Subconscious: Princess of Swords "Victory over moods. The altars of old ideals are destroyed. Be prepared to destroy anything repressive or that prevents a full experience of life--including all moral codes." More distant past: Prince of Disks "Action taken resulting in important experiences." Sky: Ace of Disks "To Meta Opion" initiation or entrance into a new consciousness and readiness for a life which is externally and internally rich. More distant Future: 4 Wands Completion Something beautiful is making its way into my relationships. Completing the old frees me for the new. Subconscious: 3 wands Virtue I have the power and virtue to reflect and know. Challenge faced: Prince of Cups Master dealing with emotional needs. Living out sexual desires makes me more vital and fulfilled. Hope/Fear (also a reality if a trump): Lust Overcoming old fears & conditionings. Enjoy living to the utmost. Take everything in with more awareness. Who is in my space? 5 cups Disappointment "Unfulfilled expectations. Every disappointment contains the possibility of an important learning experience. I get to know my own reality by learning to see where I fool myself or deny my inner voice. Too high expectations have been crushed." Outcome: 6 cups, Princess of Cups, Death Open to a new partner with whom I can share the joys of love on all levels. Trust my feelings & perceptions--I'm on the right path. The act of letting go, difficult as it may be, will liberate. Any desire to hold on or cling to old bonds will cause their death to appear that much more agonizing. There is no more fear when we let go (Hesse). Accept the pain that may come from the loss of the old. All clinging prevents us from being in the natural flow of life.

    Thursday, March 04, 2004

    an evening in the life I finished my laundry and it sits waiting to be put away, in the basket, folded. I had a beer with the neighbor four doors down. Once he let me wait at his house til my roommate got home, because I'd locked myself out of the apartment. He plays guitar and just made a cd. His name is Todd. That's as much as I know. He has a cool dog. I made some good 7-layer dip for dinner. Still avoiding my homework. It would probably be the best use of my time to start doing my homework, but I don't want to. I think I'll eat a piece of dessert pizza instead. It's like an apple crisp. Quite tasty. I'll indulge in some television, too... to top it all off.

    I wonder if anyone will ever read this? I was just reading some random blogs. It's fun to see what people do and what they think of and there are a lot of interesting people in this world. It's fun to sort of get into someone else's head a bit. I want to do more with my blog... like make a sidebar and put a picture up. It's all new. I've got laundry to check. I think it's ready for the dryer. What is in store for me after?

    I'm sitting here trying to catch hold of my thoughts to write something. For my ANTH 104 class, we are assigned a book called The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman. It is about "A Hmong child, her American doctors, and the collision of two cultures." Before that we learned about the Nuer, a Sudanese cultural group of agricultural herders who became refugees in Minnesota. It is so amazing to learn things about cultures other than my own. I love the perspective it offers. The realization that mine is not the only way to see things. Everyone has a right to his opinion.... right?

    Just finished with the last Chinese class for this week. It was fun. I have that class four hours a week, so I get a feeling of knowing the people in that class. I like to see them. There is a lot of laughter and play while we learn and it often puts a smile on my face. When I smile, people are so much more open to me and I feel so much more receptive to others. It's great and amazing how much my mood influences my perception of reality. Daily exposure to a language helps you learn it. Often I am reminded of the saying that much of success in life is just "showing up". My week is nearly over. Now I get to ride the bus. A funny thing about that is how a lot of the same people ride the bus with me but hardly any of us ever acknowledge one another. It's as though we are trying to maintain some semblance of anonymity while we ride the bus. Other people are more open to chatting, though. I am not usually very outgoing, but people are more receptive, I think, to others who are of a very different age or social standing when riding the bus.

    I feel a sudden sense of liberation knowing that I have a place to post my thougts. I don't feel so alone now. It's almost as though I have found a voice for myself. I feel like more of a real individual and like there is something interesting about my life now that I can post it here. Strange. I feel more like I am me.

    I just read some of cameronlawrence's blog site. I liked it. Felt like I could relate. I often find myself wondering what is the purpose of human beings? Such diversity yet at the same time such similarity of experience. Here at HSU there are so many people who seem more interesting than myself, to me. I seem to be a frequent commiter of the vice of Envy. I envy the diversity I see around me. I can only be myself. I can't be each and every person who enters my line of sight. It is our differences that make us recognizable... or is it our similarities?

    I feel this huge sense of longing and it is beautiful and it hurts. The hard part is the not knowing what it is that I am longing for. It is a sort of cosmic discontent. Perhaps this is fertile ground for creativity... this feeling that something is missing but what is it?

    Okay, I am so new at this. I just read something on the Blogger homepage that says Wil Wheaton just signed a three book deal. That's cool. I used to have the hugest crush on him!!!!!! I'm an undergraduate at HSU right now and should definitely be doing my Chinese homework instead of playing around on the internet... but anything to avoid my responsibilities as much as possible without completely failing at life. Whatever that means. At this point, being very inexperienced with Blogging.... I am just throwing my random thoughts onto the screen to see what happens. What is the meaning of this blogging? Am I a writer now, because I am doing this? I'll have to spend more time exploring the site and having a look at what other people are up to. I'm in the middle of trying to decide if I will major in Anthropology for my B.A. or do I want to do Geology? I've completed my general education courses and just transferred to HSU this semester.... so it's not TOO late for me to change my mind on a major. Some say that it doesn't matter what your undergrad degree is. Hmmm. I just know that I have a tendency to get very frustrated with certain types of classes/teachers and my will to continue school tentatively rests on the absence of excessive frustration. Also... my personal life needs some tending to. Half the time I go around wishing I were the only person on the planet. I feel annoyed that there are always other people around who could be observing me. It seems like I don't have enough privacy. Humans are supposed to be social creatures.... and I do feel a pervading sense of loneliness at the same time that I am constantly surrounded by people. How does that work?

    I'm trying to see if this works because I have never done this before.