Sunday, April 30, 2006


minutes can seem like hours maybe
hours feel like accomplishments
and then, an hour will feel like five minutes.
it's just funny how time can expand and contract.
like waves.
i think my goal for today is to watch shopgirl because scott was thoughtful enough to have rented that for me without my even having to ask.

flock of woodpeckers

is there such a thing as a flock of woodpeckers? it sounds funny. i was standing outside and i heard a woodpecker and i saw it pecking a telephone pole.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

the seaweed is always greener

my two cents

i think that comment moderation messes up the flow man! it cuts off spontenaeity and people's ability to have a conversation. that is one of the interestinng things about comments. so, consider not having it. you could still have comments emailed to you if you wanted and delete them relatively quickly if need be.

Friday, April 28, 2006


dude, the chick on oprah today was crazy. no she was this chick who knows everything about fashion apparently. (i use the word apparently a lot)i dunno... she has a book. that's really specific, isn't it? well, if you really care you can go to oprah dot com but if i really cared then i would provide the link but if i don't care then why am i even writing this in the first place? isn't that irresponsible of me? maybe having a personal blog is irresponsible? is it really art?

today at the wic office, because i am irresponsible.... that's why i go there. anyway, i felt like i wanted to talk to the lady about personal stuff maybe because i feel so isolated and really i am. i don't have a lot of interaction with other humans besides sophie and scott. i sort of don't want to, but then i do.


there was some sort of skirmish that went on between the cats and i sprung to my feet to investigate. i narrowly missed the scene. can't figure out what happened, but whatever i had originally intended to blog about is pretty much kaput.

don't let it bother you

so right now i weigh twenty pounds more than i want to.
scott is mister negative because he says i won't lose it.
yes i WILL
i told him that i won't stay like this.
mostly it is abdominal.
i put on some pants that used to be a little big on me and i could totally get them on. they look fine except for the abdominal roll. i won't wear pants like that, don't worry.

the path is chain-linked

i had a tick on me the other day.
i'm a little worried that when scott got it out, maybe the head stayed in and i am going to become violently ill or whatever.
not really. but i think that is the third time i have had a tick in my life.

my froggy he ain't got no tail
he ain't got no tail almost hardly
he ups when he jumps
when he jumps he falls down
and he ain't got no tail almost hardly.
i know how ugly i are
my face, it ain't no star
but i do not mind it
for i am behind it
you folks out in front get the jar
har har

Thursday, April 27, 2006

zen and the art of baby maintenance

tony danza's show is sad. it is supposed to be a talk show, but it is mostly just tony danza remembering when he had a career.
could i do an ethnography on my baby?
record everything i do and she does.
anyway, the time thing is interesting to me.
tomorrow i'm supposed to go to an appointment, so that's gonna throw a wrench in our routine.

real world

Up at 9 Eat
Sleep 10:15
Poop 11:00
Bouncy 11:10-11:15
Carrier til 11:25
Eat til 11:35
Fuss/pacifier til 11:45
Hold til 11:50
Half ounce formula til 11:55
Pacifier til 11:59
Nap lightly til 12:12
Another half ounce formula
Nap til 12:40
More formula til 12:45
Nap til 12:49
Hold/nap til 1:05
Daddy time til 1:50
eat til 2:03
nap til 2:45
Poop – 2:50
Wake time til 3:50
Eat til 4
Hold/pacify til 4:10
Poop/change til 4:13
Hold/pacify til 4:20
Nap til 4:44
Awake til5:15
Bouncy til 5:

perpetual disdain

say to me: why the long face? because of the structure of my face. i'm told that i make people afraid that i have cruel intentions by the look on my face when i'm only thinking about the grocery list.

digital effluvium

in the wee small hours of the morning
thoughts float about
where are they?
in the air?
in my head?
memories leapfrog over imaginings
jettied by emotions
peppered with fears
stirred with regret
with a side of guilt
stolen time

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

who is rubberman?

jeopardy is fun to watch. i find it comforting.
i don't really have time to do much of anything. some people might think i have a lot of time because i manage to do blogposts... but that is not an accurate understanding of my time availability. it doesn't take long to do a blog post.
blogging is sort of like a bodily function.
that sounds gross.
scott just made me lunch/dinner... a turkey panini.
so now i will eat.

let me go on

my internet connection was down again all night last night and it is such a feeling of unpleasantness. finally figured out to reset the modem and that worked like a charm. just knowing my internet is back makes me feel so much better. ahhhhh. i hate not having internet. i suppose if i knew i didn't have it, i would arrange my life so that i could go to the library every day or something. i don't know.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


rupert is a fun word to say.
i was thinking about all of the ruperts i have known about in my life.
there is rupert everett, of course.
and some cartoon on pbs about rupert some sort of bear or something.
and the rupert in the jane roberts/seth books.
i'm sorry.
why do inflict my mental rantings and ravings upon the world?
what good does it do?
does anything i do really benefit anyone?
it's too early for this.

Monday, April 24, 2006

got to be startin' somethin'

all day long i had to go without the internet for some unknown mysterious reason... probably some karma thing, who knows. but, it's a weird feeling not being able to look at my blog or to blog or to look at other people's blogs. so out of touch! so out of the loop. so unfulfilled blogistically. no blog-surfing, no nothing.
but it is good for me to have to go without my blog-crutch on occasion. i watched oprah, and doctor phil and tony danza and tyra. tyra really gets on my nerves in a way that makes me have to keep watching her to see how annoying she is.

my ocd traits: a list

1. blogging

2. with my index finger i am pretty much always writing things "in the air" (in my head, really) "i spell stuff" it's uncontrollable and makes people ask me if i am nervous

3. i get songs stuck in my head... actually just one line of a song or something, and it is for a ridiculously long period of time.

4. a lot of stuff that i don't feel like thinking about anymore.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now? John Lennon

impending doom

milky way midnights are good.
today we were in target looking for a car magazine that scott wanted and i said, "i don't think walmart has books" we don't even have a walmart.
which reminds me i need to email my aunt.
so now i feel guilty.
which makes me procrastinate.
i sabotage myself a lot.

and if it's quite alright

i'm not good with numbers.
today is sunday.
for much of my life, i have hated sundays.
it was the anticipation of monday that ruined it for me.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

like hamlet

today i'm finally watching capote, which we rented over a week ago...
it's an interesting story.
i expected it to be about more of capote's life, but it was mostly about the process of writing In Cold Blood.
interesting that harper lee was a close friend of his. cuz, my son's named after the main character in her book. i had to pause the movie like a hundred times cuz i have lots of stuff to do in between with a 5 week old baby. but that is okay. i enjoy that. it just took a lot longer to watch the movie and stuff. and now, i'm kind of sleepy.

happy birthday scott!

for scott's 29th birthday, (today)
i sold a kidney
and bought him a new corvette.
i love you, scott!

Friday, April 21, 2006

baker's man

today is just a sleep day.
babies make me sleepy.

last night i had a dream that Ace Young gave me a ring and we were dating. HA!
that is funny.
but we were already having problems.
someone needs to do my dishes.
and clean up all my clutter.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


i guess these days stuff's not cool-- it's 'gangsta'.

scott says that everytime he sees those orange pylons, anywhere, he feels strongly compelled to grab/steal them and he doesn't know why. he also wants one of those signs that you see on the side of the road that say, "your speed is: 54" or whatever. what will he do with these things if he ever does procure them.... your guess is as good as mine.
that's gangsta.
or not.

i am nancy drew

i am like a detective.
i am always scoping out the scene.
i'm like sherlock holmes.
or you could call me nosey.
today, i made some profound observations like:
this root beer tastes like root beer.
my hair smells like hair.
and we saw a big sand dune and i thought that there was probably actually a ufo buried under it.
and i imagined what if there was this place that was a mystery restaurant that wasn't marked or advertized and only certain people knew about it.
we were going north on 101 and i was suddenly like, "i think we're lost"
there was no way we could have been lost, but i suddenly had that lost feeling.
but then i found my way again

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

insom dot com

i feel anger much more frequently or easily than i do other emotions.
i need to broaden my repertoir
it's my go-to emotion
woke up.
can't sleep
stupid frickin' cats
go slurp, slurp, slurp....
we're supposed to drive to the beach house and spend the night tomorrow.
we'll see...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

don't say it

preserves are better than jelly

i'm a clutter magnet, i think.
before i moved in with scott, his place was what i would call barren, though he found it to be comfortable. i moved in and so did my clutter. it's horrible. i would much rather be a person who is able to move with ease.
philosophically, anyway.
that's another thing.
i am known to give advice nonchalantly about how to do the right thing in a situation, when i am also known to do the exact opposite in actuality. it's sort of ironic.

who even knows

earlier, i stepped on scott's foot. he was like, "could you take off your shoes?" and i was like, "YES! gosh" i was wearing my saltwaters and they are probably more comfy than bare feet

yeah baby

i really like humboldt county.
there are some interesting graduate programs at HSU
if i could get funding, i'd do it.
i would like to get a job working for the national parks system and then buy a vw/winnebago camper van and travel around. or maybe an rv. or both.

Monday, April 17, 2006

remember now

discomfort is never permanently eradicated.
i don't 'burp inside myself', i belch loudly as often as possible. of course, i won't make a scene in public, but i think belching is much more satisfying the louder it is.
also, i think drinks taste best if you can smack and say "ahhhh"
i have found etiquette amusing and entertaining to consider; but, you know--
moderation in all things
that is the answer.

not interesting

who's the judge?
whose opinion matters?
do you care?
my life is mostly boring to most people, probably.
i have nothing to blog about.
there are so many memories in my head. they pop up at the strangest times. and memories aren't real, are they?
but what is?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

i am a beaming ray of light

right now i am dead tired but i haven't had any time to myself in a really long time. i need to go to sleep but i feel like i have to blog first. i have to get that out of my system. that sounds like some sort of purging thing. maybe that is what it is. i really do need rest. last night, my dreams were wild. one of the things that i dreamed seemed to be telling me that i should just accept that i am a nerd/dork/geek and get over trying to be cool. it makes me even more dorky that i ever try to be cool at all.

you don't even know

blogging is my "me" time.
it's a way for me to unwind
a way to get settled
express myself
create a representation of my life
get in touch with people.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

can anybody find me?

tomorrow we are going on another trip.
this time it will be less driving.
but we're going up to scott's parents' place which is cool cuz it's up in the mountains and there are horses and other animals.
i watched oprah today.
it was about women who have 'let themselves go'
and how you are supposed to stage your own comeback.


it's a very springy day.
people are out mowing their lawns with weed whackers.
i took sophie for a short walk in the baby bjorn and she really liked that-- the way i could tell was that she was conked out completely the whole time she was in the carrier.
i've been eating some salt & vinegar chips.
i never tire of taking pictures of myself and the whole process that entails. deleting the horrible ones after i stare in fascination at them. editing the halfway okay ones. doing a blogpost with the ones i like best.
i have pictures of sophie but i am stingy with them.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

it is time

yesterday, scott got me a bowl of vanilla ice cream and i wanted chocolate syrup on it and he put a TON of chocolate syrup. it was too much... but i ate what i could. he thought i liked that much because whenever he would see me getting myself ice cream, he thought it looked like i had a lot. well, it wasn't THAT much! but, i was still thankful that he got me a bowl of ice cream because that was nice of him.

technical difficulties

it is morning and things are how i like them.
i like to have time to myself in the morning.
no talking, just thinking.
maybe drinking coffee and writing.
what will i write about?
how about: for some reason, blogger on my laptop makes me code in the line breaks manually. i have to actually write it out.... otherwise, all of my words are just one big block of text.
and if i look at it in compose and then go back to edit html all of my linebreaks will be erased.


my mom is a good mimic.
she can really imitate people well.
it's entertaining.
i hate those stupid slim fast commercials where the women do some stupid little dance
what i was saying about the fig tree was that if you really think about it-- the fig tree is like the tree of life.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

various and sundry

we are sitting in a darkened house watching king kong on dvd. it's a gray day.
a lazy day.
i'm so lazy... or just busy and tired... but, i'm also lazy.
they say not to worry about keeping up the housework but just to focus on taking care of the baby. she's 26 days old, now. i've been reading a lot of stuff about taking care of babies. with all of the reading i do i end up having a lot of conflicting information due to varying schools of thought on mosts subjects. scott gets tired of hearing me say all the different things i have read about stuff.

my dreams have been interesting lately.
i don't remember them, but i have a feeling that they have been interesting.
i like to sleep.

Monday, April 10, 2006

everybody ought to know

there was this really cool awesome show on pbs about the fig tree in africa and this whole huge ecosystem of which it seems to be the hub. really fascinating trippy stuff!

i've been listening a lot to my nickel creek cd. the songs really get stuck in my head. 'hillbilly music' my son calls it.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


there was this thing on msn or whatever that said that there's new evidence that judas was not actually condemned for betraying Christ, but that he was chosen to do it and it was necessary for him to do it.

i could have told you that. i love Jesus Christ Superstar. when i was a kid i was afraid of it. i think i have alreaddy blogged that. i' m beginning to repeat my blog. oh well.

are soccer moms hot?

last night sophie cried hysterically for a long long time! she's never done that before. it was horrible. we ended up taking her for a drive, which sort of worked. but anyway.

my mom was trying to find some of her clothes that might fit me and i tried on some "mommy jeans" and i cannot wear that stuff. it just doesn't feel right. she says i am a mommy so i should be okay with wearing such matronly attire. but i am not. it offends my fashion sense. i cannot just completely give up on trying to look cool. can i? ack. aging is weird. i feel like i'm so old, now.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

i am completely insane!

this world is full of suffering. you don't even know the half of it. neither do i. that's the kind of thing that i think about at night. i sit there and think morbid thoughts. i'm the epitome of debbie downer! fer reels. i took some pictures of myself in a beautiful setting and the background is lovely... but, the subject is not! i am very hard on myself. there are eight hundred million things that i hate about my appearance and i can't understand why everyone doesn't run screaming in the opposite direction at the very sight of me. but hey. maybe they don't notice all the stuff i notice. i hope to heck not!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

anyway, yeah....

scott hands me the last giant reese's cup. i ask him, "why?" he says, "you're so paranoid! cuz i poisoned it!"
well, i wasn't imagining it to be poisoned.
my various thoughts on the matter were things such as....
he's offering it to me because i ate so many of them and he feels sorry for me that i am so lacking in manners and etiquitte, and he thinks that i am fat and he wants me to be even more fat and that is why he is offering that to me. and i am supposed to say, "no, thanks. you have it" but i did not and now i want to eat it because it sits on the table tempting me with its momentary passing pleasure and would i rather be skinny later or happy now?
i've been sleeping a LOT!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

memoirs of a gay ....shyeah.

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this weekend we are going on a roadtrip.
going to make the rounds to visit family.
right now, i am taking a break. a blog break. it is not a break from blogging, it is a break to blog. we rented some movies. i watched memoirs of a geisha. scott didn't watch it. it was okay. i'm glad i saw it, i guess... because i like to know what movies are like. it was kind of pretentious or something... i mean, none of the actors were japanese and they all spoke english. that's just lame, right there.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

porcupine spirit

gURL.comI took the "The Animal Spirit" quiz on
My animal spirit is... The Porcupine Porcupines have developed a unique way of defending themselves. Their weapons are out for the world to see and they are not shy about using them. Read more... What is your animal spirit?
Hi, I saw your post on about the baby hedgehog pic...from a google search i did for "porcupine spirit animal". I was just wondering how you found out that porcupine is your spirit animal? I have always felt that the porcupine was my spirit animal since I encountered one in the wild when i was 13 (17 years ago). I saw your post about being a "Spirit Porcupine" after i posted a comment of my own (had to join blogger to post it), and was like "Deja Vu!", and you look like my favorite character from the show, Asuka Langley Soryu. The episode I was posting about was called "Hedgehog's Dilema"...allthough the character i'm thinking of didn't appear until ep.7 of the show, lol. Anyway, I just thought it was neat how all that synergy came together in my browser and thought I'd share it with you. TTFN RoBB