Tuesday, November 30, 2004

i feel so different

I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend but I'm a little glowing friend but really, I'm not actually your friend, but I am. There's a picture opposite me of my primitive ancestry who used to walk the rocky shores and keep the beaches shipwreck free. Though I respect that a lot, I'd be fired if that were my job after killing Jason off and countless screaming argonauts. That song rocks!

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Purity of the soul depends on her being clarified by a life that is divided, and on her entering into a life of unity. --Meister Eckhart, on death.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

turkey day: gobble gobble

Ugh. My back hurts I'm tired I'm over-stimulated. I'm thankful that I was able to have a very good Thanksgiving dinner with family in a really nice house. We had everything good followed by coffee and pie. Now, I just want to hide here in this walk-in closet/computer room and stare at the blinking computer screen until my brainwaves go into Beta phase.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

blogging as therapy

I have discovered that many people use their blog as a therapist. What a great idea. It reminds me of some book I read a long time ago... I don't remember the book, but there were these robot type things that served as psychotherapists. They just said things like, "Interestink... and how do you feel about your mother?"


A friend found this on Craig's list and sent it to me! Hi-larious. And so accurate. Emotional Cripple Seeks Good Looking Crutch - 31 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recently released emotional cripple is seeking good looking crutch for long term, damaging relationship based on unrealistic expectations. I'm a 31, manic depressive with anxiety disorder and fear of intimacy. Employed, blue eyes, dark hair, weeps at imagined slights. You be 29-35, good looking, able to deflect jealous accusations with ease, and passive aggressive. Together we can embark upon a journey of discovery and projection while reenacting childhood traumas involving rejection from our parents! With my commitment issues and hysterical paranoia and your unchecked anger management problems, we're an unstoppable team of crushing instability!

Monday, November 22, 2004

Name 3 things...

1. ...you cannot live without. FOOD--because it is yummy and makes life good. Plants- they are pretty and it is nice for them to be around. Animals- they make me happy when skies are grey. 2. ...you CAN live without, but cannot seem to part with. The Internet. Coffee Pacifico with lemons and salt. 3. ...you wish to accomplish this COMING week. catch up on all my homework make stuff to take to thanksgiving dinner call Amtrak. 4. ...you have accomplished this PAST week. read a lot of random people's blogs partied naked in a hot tub with two guys and 3 girls. traveled to my mom's house. 5. ...on your holiday (or non-holiday) 'wish list.' R.E.M.'s new CD. The new Nirvana CD/DVD set My So-Called Life on DVD 6. ...you would like to change about yourself. Stop shaming myself. Procrastinate less. Commit to something! 7. ...you like about yourself. I am Unique. I am creative. I type fast. 8. ...you should be doing right now instead of what you ARE doing. Reading a hundred million chapters. Writing a paper about child prostitution in the philippines. eating breakfast. 9. ...in your life that could use a little more organization. finances brain time

Saturday, November 20, 2004

the great conjunction

Today, I saw my grandpa for the first time in a while.... for the first time since his wife (my step-grandma) passed away. Initially, it was quite a shock and I am embarrassed that I immediately started crying. I gave him a hug. I was able to compose myself pretty quickly. I didn't mean to upset him, I just couldn't help it. The grandpa that lay there on the bed didn't match up to the image I've always held of him in my mind's eye. Now, I'm okay. I've come to terms with it. For the time being.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

this could be the saddest dusk i've ever seen turn to a miracle

Blah! What. A. Day. I have been completely devoid of any semblance of energy or motivation at all today. What did I do? I wasted the entire day in front of the computer looking at people's random blogs. I'd never done that before... just scrolled through everyone's blogs on blogger. It's amazing. THere are so many people and they all have something to say. It's very interesting. I think to myself, "Life sucks, this day sucks... everything's a mess... it's overwhelming." But, I always end up feeling like I don't have a right to complain. So many people on this planet have it worse than I do... (or better). It can be overwhelming to try and comprehend how many consciousnesses there are in the universe.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


Before I knew there were people like this over there, it didn't seem real to me. Tonight I am going to this talk: “The War in Iraq: the Middle East, Islam, and U.S. Foreign Policy.” I'll let you know how it goes.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

analyze this

Today I went to a thrift store and got a few deals. A pair of Thai-wrap pants for under four dollars; a plaid kilt-like skirt for a couple of bucks; a cool, fashionable purse that is oversized and brand-new; oh and a Beanie Baby Rat named "TipToes". Shopping can be fun. Now, I'm having some Merlot and listening to Madonna's American Life. Last night, I saw the new movie "Ray." Now, I am in love with Ray Charles-- except, he's not alive anymore.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Holy Moses

ELTON JOHN LYRICS Border Song Music by Elton JohnLyrics by Bernie Taupin (last verse by Elton John) Holy Moses I have been removed I have seen the spectre he has been here too Distant cousin from down the line Brand of people who ain't my kind Holy Moses I have been removed Holy Moses I have been deceived Now the wind has changed direction and I'll have to leave Won't you please excuse my frankness but it's not my cup of tea Holy Moses I have been deceived I'm going back to the border Where my affairs, my affairs ain't abused I can't take any more bad water I've been poisoned from my head down to my shoes Holy Moses I have been deceived Holy Moses let us live in peace Let us strive to find a way to make all hatred cease There's a man over there what's his colour I don't care He's my brother let us live in peace He's my brother let us live in peace He's my brother let us live in peace


Jeriah told me about this silliness. It's fun and funny, so I laughed.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Decisions by Franz Kafka

"Lifting oneself from a miserable state of mind ought to be easy even by sheer willpower. I wrench myself out of the chair, walk around the table, loosen my head and my neck, drive fire into my eyes, flex the muscles around them. Work against any feelings, exuberantly greet A. if he turns up now, amiably tolerate B. in my room, inhale all of C.'s words in long drafts despite my strain and suffering. But even if I can manage like that, any mistake-- and mistakes are inevitable-- will bring everything, light or heavy, to a halt, and I will have to twist back into my circle again. Hence the best course is to put up with everything, behave like a heavy mass, and even if you feel blasted away, not be inveigled into taking any unnecessary step, gaze at the other with animal eyes, feel no remorse-- in short, push down with your own hands any ghost of life surviving in you, increase, that is, the final gravelike rest and let nothing else exist. A characteristic movement in such a state of mind is to run the little finger over the eyebrows."

Saturday, November 06, 2004

it's probably good for you to 'almost die'

My roommate just got back from a day of surfing near Camel rock. He mentioned that he'd had an encounter with imminent death during his outing. I'd imagine that puts things into perspective a bit. Speaking of encounters with imminent death: I've never admitted to being a smoker. I mean, I'll smoke occasionally, yes. Maybe sometimes even more than 'occasionally,' but I've never been "addicted" to cigarettes. I really haven't. I'm just immune to nicotene addiction, I guess. In college, my professors often say that I need to elaborate more in my essays and papers. They say that I get the main point clearer than most of my classmates, but they feel short-changed somehow. I usually just feel like the fewer words used; the better. I mean, I don't want to bore people or hold them beyond what they desire. Or maybe I do, but it's a sublimated desire. Maybe it's the whole "aloof" control drama thing. My friend Heather calls it 'pith.'

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

conservative hegemony?

If hegemony is the way the ruling class passes off their view of things and enforces it in order to maintain the wealth of those already in control, then I think this term might apply to the United States at present. The people in power have managed to gain as a support group the same people whose wealth they are systematically extracting. The Evangelical Right have been successfully bought off with arguments of morality. Get over your sadness and disappointment and get interested in what can be done.

Monday, November 01, 2004

psychological somersaults

"...Love is scary. We can be hurt; the lover has power over us; we need to be #1 in his/her life. How does someone become so important in our emotional life? In the same way The Little Prince loved his rose bush (Saints-Exupery, 1943). It's a neat part of the story; I'll summarize: The Little Prince lived on a tiny planet all his own. He had only one rose bush. He loved it. It was so beautiful, it gave him so much pleasure. He remembers tenderly planting the little bush in his richest soil, building a fence to protect it and a trellis to hold it, trimming it and watering it every day. With pride he watched his rose bush grow into a healthy, mature rose bush which faithfully produced beautiful blossoms year after year. Then he went to another planet, Earth, and saw thousands of roses, much bigger and more beautiful than his one little bush. At first, he felt foolish for having liked his rose bush so much. After all, there was nothing special about his bush. Then he realized he didn't love his rose bush for its bigness or its outstanding beauty, he loved it because he had personally cared for his bush and because so much of his time and pleasure had been with only one rose bush, "his" roses. Like the Little Prince, we hurt when we lose "our" love. The hurting doesn't necessarily mean we lack confidence or that we believe we possess the other person; it means we are human, we long for things we have lost." Taken from this web article.