all these shows where they catch predators who are trying to pick up kids online and stuff... it seems like those shows would work pretty well to make people think twice before they do something like that since the likelihood is that you're gonna get caught and end up exposed on national television. even so, some people (only men, i guess) still continue to give it a shot. but it is disgusting that the guys they are catching are just the tip of the iceberg.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
i like to wear my hair up because i love the way it feels on top of my head. i do not like the way it makes me feel vulnerable, however. bearing myneck as it does. then i feel self-conscious. especially now with the double chin i have inherited. i need to hold my head up. it’s a habitual posture fur me to tuck my chin under or whatever.
i’ve been thinking about how there is energy and it can be manipulated. people create energy. i can manipulate the energy. mine. other peoples’. we all do it. we are social creatures in that sense that we have evolved to be very tuned in to eachother and it’s part of our being even from birth. our brains are born already starting to be very fine-tuned to faces and it is a survival issue.
but somemtimes i am lazy and forget that i have so much power in that sense. i can create my day and manipulate my energy and there are so many possibilities for what i can do but we get stuck in ruts. like, i could take my laptop outside and create a little shady picnicky blanketed area for the baby and me instead of just “doing what i always do” the unexpected. y’know? habit energy. that too is a survival mechanism. infants love routine. humans must love it too.
too much routine and not enough creative thinking. i have ALWAYS been waylaid by the dilemma between thought versus action. you can imagine all sorts of possibilities for your day... but what about follow thru?
Posted by carrie at 5/31/2006 07:40:00 AM
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
when i said that the american idol finale was lame, yeah it was... but nobody can deny that prince was of course cool as always. the twins looked beautiful. well, i noticed their dresses and then scott said, yeah.. it's the dresses! pffff.
and who am i to say that it is lame? it is obviously doing something right-- look at how successful it is. but, some people say that if everyone is doing it you can pretty much bet it is the wrong thing to do. but that is not how we live.
Posted by carrie at 5/29/2006 08:28:00 AM
Sunday, May 28, 2006
i am very impatient.
it's funny because some people have told me that i seem very calm but that is the farthest thing from how i feel. furthest. either way.
the smallest inconvenience can feel like the end of the world to me.
i wanted to listen to that r.e.m. youtube again and it froze up right before the song started and i threw a big fit and got all bent out of shape and it drives my boyfriend up the wall but i am just that way. i know you're not allowed to use that as an excuse. and i always just expect that it shouldn't effect other people but i know that it does and it also affects me. see, which one is right? effect or affect?
Posted by carrie at 5/28/2006 10:13:00 PM
Saturday, May 27, 2006
anxiety is no fun. cuz i think i have ptsd.
i wanted to take the baby to the ocean today. things are often different than i expect they'll be. it seems like we only spent like two minutes at the jetty. we were standing near the edge and a wave came up and splashed us and i sorta screamed and probably scared sophie. and our pants got all wet. so then we went home and all of that took like an hour. so it was like a big trip and a little trip depending on how you look at it.
i want to eat ice cream and that really is a bad thing to do but so tempting.
Posted by carrie at 5/27/2006 04:09:00 PM
Friday, May 26, 2006
sometimes i do and say really stupid shit and then the memory of my own stupidity haunts me pretty much forever.
i am an idiot a lot of the time.
i have said such stupid stuff and done such stupid stuff that i ended up alienating friends. i say to myself, i am an idiot. i am retarded.
very hard on myself i am... i know this.
it has to make a person humble eventually, doesn't it?
realizing how frequently you've been wrong?
my great uncle newt used to say, "i was wrong once."
my grandpa used to call me "aunt carrie" and always ask me if i wanted to buy a duck.
Posted by carrie at 5/26/2006 09:53:00 PM
one thing that frustrates me (and there are SO many things) which means attraction and aversion and maya and karma. but now i forgot what frustrates me.
oh. ... is when i read good writing i always feel like i could have written that because i have thought that very same thing... but it doesn’t seem like i am as good at saying it so interestingly. some people just have a certain flair. maybe everyone does.
since i was a kid, i’ve been good at drawing. other kids would always love my stuff and ask if they could have it and if i would draw things for them or teach them how to draw. i would be like, “YOUR drawing is cool, too” and they’d say—it’s just a stick figure or whatever. and i’d say, yeah but YOU drew it and it is unique and true and i didn’t draw it nor could i ever. everyone’s drawing is a unique expression of them
art. dancing. singing. blogging. photography. crafts. DO IT.
Posted by carrie at 5/26/2006 06:24:00 AM
Thursday, May 25, 2006
so you think you can dance is kinda cool. this one guy looked like a robot. oh and this one girl ? looks like a man or a man that looks like a girl and ew. ew. ew. frightening. SO STUPID. frickin weird. 7410 has vampire teeth. i wanna be all buff and stuff.
anyway, it’s a good AI substitute. it’s just really fun to sneer and jeer at people who are making fools of themselves. there are just so many trippy people out there. it’s fun to see then get all emotional, too.
i definitely need to consign or give away some more of my clothes because a lot of stuff i’m tired of. (horrible grammar!!( <---even worsteee)
it is hard for me to be the pack leader. i don’t like it. i like to be a follower, but there are not always people who are able to be the leader and so then i have to do it. i am capable of doing it but i don’t like it. which plato would say is the best kind of leader.... the unwilling kind.
sometimes political correctness is just annoying.
my heels are all scratchy and rough. i need a pedicure mucho.
rebirth. it’s happening all the time all around us and within us.
anyway, enough of my blathering. i could go on forever. and would there be a point? my own entertainment, i guess.
Posted by carrie at 5/25/2006 10:02:00 PM
I AM: eating rosemary & olive oil triscuits with processed cheese spread.
I WANT: a coke.
I WISH: i could magically teleport myself to any place or time whenever i felt like it.
I HATE: mosquitos
I MISS: the ‘80’s (but the list goes on & on about what i miss
I FEAR: letting go of control
I HEAR: the click-clack of the baby swing and a journey song that is stuck in my head.
I WONDER: what steve perry is like now.
I REGRET: not trying harder in high school.
I AM NOT: an easy-going person.
I SING: out loud a lot. it makes me feel good and keeps me entertained. i know the words to lots of songs.
I CRY: when i watch legends of the fall.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: in a bad mood.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: sock monkeys and felt creatures.
I WRITE: only on my blog, now.
I CONFUSE: past emotions with present situations
I NEED: more exercise.
I START: each day expecting things to be good.
I FINISH: one box of cereal before opening another.
Posted by carrie at 5/25/2006 02:45:00 PM
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
i must switch ages a lot.
i guess that is called regression.
our therapist-type-dude often asks me, "how old did you feel when that happened?"
that question always stops me in my tracks.
at first i think, "how is that relevant? i wasn't even thinking about how old i felt. i don't feel an age. it's all just a concept... blah blah blah"
but like, the other day, i was really pissed off while driving around town. i'm like dr. jekkl and mister hyde. i am VERY impatient while driving.... sometimes it seems like everywhere i go i JUST missed the perfect time by ONE SECOND and now i have to WAIT for ALL ETERNITY!
argh! and STUPID ARSEHOLES who drive like they are the only person in existence are SO infuriating! OH EM GEE!
anyway, after getting myself really good and mad i start to want to act out. i feel a desire to STEAL stuff ... shoplift. but i CAN'T do that because it is SO NOT WORTH the risk of going to jail. argh! but it is this feeling of YOU OWE ME something because i have SUFFERED so greatly at the hands ofyour incompetence!
Posted by carrie at 5/24/2006 06:31:00 AM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
today some guy was driving by and he said sometihng about what he waanted to do to me in a sexual way and stuff. it's nice to know that i'm not completely invisible to the opposite sex, but i am not really flattered by men wanting to have sex with me. i don't take it personally.
all the traffic i dealt with today was annoying the living daylights out of me!
it was like NON-stop pain in the assedness.
Posted by carrie at 5/23/2006 05:55:00 PM
composer is Walt Kraemer and it is sung by the Pointer Sisters
my poor little baby had to get immunizations today and she had to have two shots in each leg and she has been obviously not her usual self.
i caught a glimpse of a woman today who had a strawberry mark all over her face. it reminded me of that book The Storyteller.
i tried to buy some wine today but i didn't have my i.d. with me and i was denied. a mixed blessing. i was okay with it. whatever.
the checker lady said that maybe having the baby has made me look younger.
i don't know.
i tend to have a weak self-image.
Posted by carrie at 5/23/2006 05:06:00 PM
the internet is a trip and so are ideas but it is weird how it works.
i'm linking to this blog that links to this video so you can see the video that i saw and see where i saw it and i don't know how far bak all of that can go...
it's interesting nonetheless.
i've heard of sonic youth since high school but never would have been able to identify them if i'd heard them. this is my first known experience. the video is worth watching. it's like having a mini-dream while you're awake. i've always been a slow learner. it takes me longer to get things, but once i get them i get them... if'n ya know wut i mean. same thing applies to me when it comes to music. i allow music to come to me through others... a receptive attitude, i suppose.
i want to know what You like. maybe i'll like that.
Posted by carrie at 5/23/2006 01:56:00 PM
Monday, May 22, 2006
does anyone know what they are doinng?
well, that is improper grammar...
so it doesn't make sense.
what i mean to ask is the rhetorical question:
does anyone really know what he or she is doing???
besides dr phil, that is
do we really have free will?
and either way--
is free will all that it's cracked up to be?
i think that i do a lot of stupid stuff.
you probably do, too.
do a lot of stupid stuff, that is.
if you don't, well--
pride cometh before a fall.
that's something i do. i spout random cliche/maxims as sort of non sequitirs
as in: does not apply to current situation.
that's why it's funny.
anyway, it's like madonna says, "everybody's stupid stupid/everybody's looking for somethin'... everybody..."
Posted by carrie at 5/22/2006 10:40:00 PM
madonna's daughter must be her stylist. :-)
no, madonna's awesome. i'd go see her fer shizz. (yes, i'm a poseur)
sometimes i take a sympul task like sending out a couple of thank-you notes, and i draw it out and make a mountain out of a molehill and it's like i get performance anxiety about doing things and i don't do it but i torture myself internally while ignoring myself entirely and it's all very strange.
judge not lest ye be judged....
(what a beautiful refrain)
Posted by carrie at 5/22/2006 11:47:00 AM
i just swigged some grape juice because i felt like i was literally starving. to. death. and i had to get something in my system pronto.
last night i got mad at scott because he was going to drink a cup of caffeinated coffee at midnight. so he didn't drink it and he went to bed cuz it wasn't worth a fight and i was like... do you plan on staying up? anyways.
so, now i feel mean.
i have had that song open arms by journey stuck in my head so bad ever since elliott yamin sang it on american idol.
now journey is my favorite band.
Posted by carrie at 5/22/2006 06:57:00 AM
Sunday, May 21, 2006
today was quite an adventure. it was pretty much fun, but just going somewhere for the day is hard sort of. sophie must've had quite enough of it by the end of the day because she became very angry and then ate and went to sleep.
but i got lots of good pictures.
all i ate today was a double cheeseburger and two raisin bran bars.
i've got to go eat.
Posted by carrie at 5/21/2006 09:14:00 PM
today we are supposed to go out to breakfast, drive to red bluff, have lunch at taco bell and then go see a car show where scott's dad is showing one of his cars.
yesterday my neck was all out of whack and it is no better today.
the ringer was like shallow hal, murderball, and pumpkin all rolled into one. it's also like dodgeball and it's basically very formulaic but johnny knoxville pretends to be special so he can rig the special olympics because of some bet and then he falls in love with this helper girl and he gets a conscience.
Posted by carrie at 5/21/2006 07:27:00 AM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
or a prisoner. wearing black and white stripes makes me feel like those things.
i think that it's fun to wear for the baby's enjoyment.
plus everyone knows that stripes are the doop diggity.
today i went to the mall and got a few pairs of underwear.
i do not like the word "panties"
i consigned some maternity clothes and got store credit so i picked a dress. and a shirt/top thingie.
Posted by carrie at 5/20/2006 03:32:00 PM
wow. this video was on vaspers blog and he's been putting up lots of youTubes lately and i always feel like i don't have time to watch them... but, i ventured out and pressed play on one today and it was one of the coolest things ever!
Posted by carrie at 5/20/2006 07:20:00 AM
Friday, May 19, 2006
today at the thrift store all women's clothing is 99 cents.
i got a pair of jeans and a cardigan type thingie.
we are going to a car show this weekend.
i rented three movies. the last three we rented were all flops. no, stay was interesting... but you need to really be able to pay close attention to it because it makes no sense because it is like a big mushroom psychedelic trip. i told scott if i looked like naomi watts all my problems would be solved. she has such an interesting face.
so this time i rented the devil's rejects, the ringer, and the new world. wow, all those movies start with the word "the".... amazing....
outside of blockbuster, there were two cop cars and the cops were tackling some guy on the sidewalk. i felt bad for the guy. even if he did something wrong.
Posted by carrie at 5/19/2006 02:58:00 PM
Thursday, May 18, 2006
doctor phil has made me ill today.
he gave a truck to this girl who was one of his guests.
why does she deserve a truck?
just because she got pregnant when she was fifteen?
i need to go on dr. phil's show!
really, though, why should he give her a truck?
Posted by carrie at 5/18/2006 04:37:00 PM
oprah and doctor phil were both boring yesterday.
i hope they don't let me down again today!
i keep wanting to make a new felt creature, but i keep getting sidetracked.
i finished making this guy the other day. he's experimental. his name is jean pierre.
Posted by carrie at 5/18/2006 03:28:00 PM
i open the door and the cats are on the porch waiting to be let in.
but i have to beg them to come in.
when i don't even want them to come in to begin with.
the only reason they should even be in the house is to get a bath.
but i am helpless to their evil cat powers.
i did read once that cats give humans a mind control parasite.
i read that on the internet.
plus, i didn't do the dishes yesterday so now the whole kitchen looks like a tornado hit it.
if you wake up feeling famished try drinking water.
Posted by carrie at 5/18/2006 06:58:00 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
okay, we have a serious flea problem. i don't know what we are going to do about it, but something has to be done. i have found like five fleas on my arms and legs this morning! it's unsanitary! we're going to have to majorly deal with this. it makes me so mad at the cats. or just that we have cats at all. seems like they are nothing but dirty and a nuisance. stupd cats. i don't know what to do.
gonna have to steam clean the carpets, vacuum ten times a day, give the cats flea baths three times a week ... and why???? the cats aren't worth it. nor are they worth the amount of money it would cost to keep them all in advantage/frontline every month.
how depressing. i'm sorry. any suggestions?
Posted by carrie at 5/17/2006 09:38:00 AM
i have THE itChIEST mosquito bites on my wrist, arm and ankle. slept with the window open. i kept thinking i got poison oak from adrienne at graduation cuz she said she had it. i'm paranoid about poison oak because i got it a few summers back and it was bad. it wouldn't go away cuz it was on something like the steering wheel or the car seat...
my cat reese's is so strange. she will want me to open the door and she goes into the house and then immediately wants back out again and then she acts like she wants to go in right after that. crazified.
Posted by carrie at 5/17/2006 06:09:00 AM
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
i'm going to make carrot juice today.
i got a chance to get out of the house on my own for a little while.
i made this mixture of couscous, black lentils, corn, tomatoes, ortega chiles and some cheese. i like that sort of thing. it makes me feel healthy when i eat stuff like that. and frugal.
i'm going to write about more things for which i am grateful and i am going to focus on trying to smile more.
Posted by carrie at 5/16/2006 02:42:00 PM
i feel like i need a day off.
breastfeeding is very demanding.
i am thankful that i can do it and i enjoy it...
but, it's demanding and i would like a break but then i feel guilty and don't want a break.
because otherwise, i get too tired to be at my peak performance. and i start to feel depressed/bummed out/discouraged/grumpy.
mother's day .... nothing really happened for me that was special. not really.
i'm not asking for pity or anything like that. the day before mother's day was very special... mother's day just came on a day when everyone needed downtime. and i'm not really SO into special holidays like that. i mean, they are nice enough, but no biggie.
Posted by carrie at 5/16/2006 07:35:00 AM
Monday, May 15, 2006
i like to go running around getting stuff accomplished.
it builds my self-esteem.
i get really depressed if i feel like i've completely wasted a day.
i went grocery shopping, but i realized once i was already in the store that i'd forgotten my list in the car. i wasn't about to go all the way back... too much hassle. so i forgot about four things on the list.
non dairy creamer
meal replacement shakes
low fat whipped cream
okay that's six
Posted by carrie at 5/15/2006 04:10:00 PM
I like to do research. Probably because I learned it in school or maybe because I’m just that way, I don’t know. the internet is really cool cuz you can ask it anything and get lots of answers and it makes like thought hang out with like thought but we all have access to it and it’s instantaneous and all that....? so i use it a lot to get information anytime i have a question. scott doesn’t trust it. i’ll tell him, “i read you should do this or that” and he says, where did you read that? i dunno, the internet—i say. and he rolls his eyes. because i was reading that hard cat food is bad for a cats digestive system and that they should really be eating meat meat. but wet food is a little better than hard food. most of the time i don’t care... i’m more annoyed that i have to feed them at all. but, it would be kind of fun to feed them lots of raw meat.
Posted by carrie at 5/15/2006 07:33:00 AM
Sunday, May 14, 2006
on our way to hometown buffet, we lost my mom who was following us to the restaurant. she didn't know where it was and just kept on driving. we were all starving to DEATH. it was very traumatic. but eventually they found the place.
some of the graduates from the anthropology department showed up to the ceremony a little drunk after having begun celebrations earlier in the day.
there were people in varying degrees of footwear from bare feet to flowery platform boots.
people would have their name printed on a card and it would get read off like "John-Thanks Mom and Dad- Doe." and one guy proposed to his girlfriend by having his name be "Jose Adriana Will You Marry Me Santos" and she said yes. *names changed due to lack of memory
Posted by carrie at 5/14/2006 10:10:00 PM
so, since i was not at school for a whole semester, i was sort of detached from it in a way. adrienne said she got accepted to NYU and i was all... nyu NEW YORK??? and people looked at me like i had two heads. i apologized for my lameness.
i felt like i had no IQ. it was a flippin' trip, really.
i KNOW NYU is in NEW YORK! that wasn't why i asked the question!
maybe it's some kinnd of weird, subconscious thing? i act that way because i have social anxiety and ptsd and it's a coping mechanism of some sort.
i get overstimulated. we were all overstimulated yesterday.
Posted by carrie at 5/14/2006 05:00:00 PM
Saturday, May 13, 2006
first off, i forgot my tassle so i was tassle-less.
i had to pretend to move my tassle from right to left.
or whichever way.
it was really warm in the gym where we were herded like cattle before we walked out
it was late afternoon, just in time for the sun to blare directly in our eyes for two hours.
i got into the wrong line on the way out and almost had to sit with the wrong group.
i had no idea what i was doing.
luckily my peer/friend Adrienne was there to keep me on track.
Posted by carrie at 5/13/2006 10:31:00 PM
the whole thing was interesting. i spent most of the time worrying about my 8-week-old baby who was up in the stands without me. poor little baby.
all in all, it was good and i am happy.
but, i can think of lots of things to complain about.
is that just human nature? or the nature of a cynic?
anyway, the negative stuff seems sometimes to be more interesting for me to think about.
Posted by carrie at 5/13/2006 09:18:00 PM
watch the Humboldt State University Commencement Live Webcast my college goes at 3:30 and i'm toward the end of the alphabet.
Posted by carrie at 5/13/2006 01:17:00 PM