instant insanity

Last night I had a now-rare burst of temper! I was so angry at my cat! It seems hilariously absurd in the light of day. The reason I was mad at her is complex, but not at all her fault! I think, in part, it has to do with the fact that I hardly ever allow myself to express anger anymore. I've become afraid of my own anger because it has led me to trouble in the past. Of course, this segues into the fact that I am probably mildly depressed as a result of such repression-- but that's a different story. Anyway... the long story is that I never wanted the cat in the first place. My son brought her home one day and I told him we couldn't keep her. We left her outside, but the following morning she was still around so I caved! Of course, I ended up being the one who takes care of her, and she has been something of a financial burden. I've spent hundreds of dollars on her in the past five months just getting her spayed and having her immunizations and some other small things. Vets are spendy! So, anyway... I haven't wanted her to be in my room at my new place, because I thought she could just be an outside cat. However, she recently had some kind of allergic reaction to something and I felt really guilty about having left her outside so much; so I've been letting her sleep in my room at night. At first, she was not used to it so she would just curl right up and go to sleep until morning. Now that she has become accustomed to this however, she's been wandering around in my room and getting all feisty. This leaves me feeling unsettled because I am not keeping a litter box in my bedroom and I'm worried that she will pee under my bed. So, we got into a power struggle last night. I could swear that she knew that I wanted her to stay put and so she obstinately refused to do so just on principle. If I'd've been smarter about it, I'd've just taken her outside and said 'To heck with it.' Only because of the guilt I feel, I kept insanely trying to force her to stay put on my bed and she was having none of it! I was totally enraged. This is one of my longest entries ever because it bothers me so much that I was so immature about it. I think that there is more to it than just the surface circumstance. It has something to do with my being unwilling to be an adult? Unwilling to work from my 'adult mindset'. I age-regressed to a time I recall with a different cat that I had. I used to try and force her to look into my eyes, which she absolutely hated. It was truly sadistic of me. I have never actually hurt an animal; I would feel way too horrible to do something like that. I don't even like to kill spiders, ants or even flies. Anyway, anger can be very subtle and it can creep out at the oddest of times. It's something that I should not forget. I think that all humans have the capacity for both good and evil. It's good to remember that.