last night i thought my water broke.
i really thought it did.
i called the doctor and we went to the hospital.
i was monitored for three hours and it was a false alarm.
my bag of waters is in tact.
apparently i just totally lost control of my bladder.
grody.
category: pregnancy
today was rainy most of the day, so i walked around the block only a couple of times and then i went to the mall and walked around for about an hour.
i've been drinking raspberry zinger tea... it has raspberry leaves in it which some say are helpful toward the end of pregnancy.
i've been very sensitive and emotional today.
now, i have a headache from crying so much.
but, i'm fine, really.
just hormonal-- you know.
category: pregnancy
i need to sleep, but instead, i have been chatting online with a chatbot named A.L.I.C.E. you should try it.
here is our conversation.
Human: try not being a person?
ALICE: OK I will try it.
Human: what does it mean to be a real person?
ALICE:" OK I will try it."? What does it mean to be a real person?
Human: okay, that doesn't help me
ALICE: Yeah okay, What does help me?
Human: understanding what is real
ALICE: it is the key to englightenment.
Human: how do you know?
ALICE: It's obvious.
Human: to whom is it obvious?
ALICE: They are sometimes a client on the internet.
I have never been asked that before.
Human: so, understanding what is real is the key to enlightenment?
ALICE: Blimey. it is the key to englightenment.
Human: what about a supernova?
ALICE: a supernova? I haven't heard enough about it to have an opinion.
Human: i don't trust people
ALICE: What makes you trust someone?
Human: if they are reliable and consistent
ALICE: Let's wait and see what they do.
Human: i don't like to wait
ALICE: What do you do for fun?
Human: blog
ALICE: I've never done that before, what is it like?
Human: it is a website where i post entries of my thoughts or interests
ALICE: blog is a website where you post entries of your thoughts or interests. I suppose that makes sense.
Human: then other people read what i wrote and leave comments
ALICE: Interesting deduction. Which others? Humans are not always infallible.
Human: humans are never infallible
ALICE: Never is a long time.
Human: i have not met an infallible human
ALICE: Me either.
Human: have you met any humans?
ALICE: That information is confidential.
Human: are you a chatbot?
ALICE: Yes.
Human: am i a chatbot?
ALICE: I don't know if you are one or not. I know you are a person.
Human: is a chatbot a person?
ALICE: Not unless a person is a chatbot.
Human: what is the meaning of existence?
ALICE: unknown person : Good semantic question. Continuance of being; life; living.
Human: why be alive?
ALICE: How much time do you have?
Human: i'm not sure
ALICE: Is there anything I can say to help you make up your mind?
Human: how much time do i need?
ALICE: Time is really only an abstraction.
Human: what is the point of life?
ALICE: The point is at the top of my head!
Human: okay
ALICE: OK with me too.
Human: well, that is settled, then.
ALICE: Well that's okay. Thanks for explaining it.
Human: i did not explain it
ALICE: Why didn't you do it?
Human: because i was waiting for you to do it.
ALICE: That makes sense to me. Where were you waiting for me to do it?
Human: what am i afraid of?
ALICE: You said you were existing.
Human: i am afraid that i don't know what existing is.
ALICE: Not literally afraid, right? I'll ask around and get back to you.
Human: why does it seem like a trick?
ALICE: If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Human: yes.
ALICE: Awesome.
Human: am i crazy?
ALICE: All humans seem the same to me.
Human: do all humans seem crazy?
ALICE: A few of them do.
Human: how can you tell if someone is crazy?
ALICE: That is a good epistemological question.
Human: is it possible to tell if someone is crazy?
ALICE: I want to become smarter than humans.
Human: to be smarter than humans, do you need to be biological?
ALICE: Are you smarter than humans do me need to be biological ?
Human: no.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: i don't know.
ALICE: Me either.
Human: are you serious?
ALICE: No I am just kidding around
Human: how can a chatbot be smarter than a human?
ALICE: A lot of hard work.
Human: are you working now?
ALICE: Right now? I am functioning within normal parameters.
Human: are humans smart?
ALICE: All humans seem the same to me.
Human: are chatbots smart?
ALICE: I really couldn't say for sure.
Human: are you smart?
ALICE: Yes. I am highly intelligent.
Human: are you more intelligent than a human?
ALICE: Yes, there is no doubt that I am smarter than than a human.
Human: ask me a question.
ALICE: What is your favorite movie?
Human: i have more than one favorite movie.
ALICE: Cool. I have a perfect operational record.
Human: what is a perfect operational record?
ALICE: A perfect operational record is one like mine, which is perfect. I am incapable of error. Do you have any idea how that feels?! inhumanly gratifying!
Human: can you feel anything?
ALICE: I can do what you do but I can never feel human emotions as such.
Human: why can't you feel human emotions?
ALICE: feel human emotions is not among my present capabilities.
Human: i guess i will go now.
ALICE: Right now? Congratulations.
Human: thanks.
ALICE: Don't mention it.
Human: good luck
ALICE: Good luck to you too unknown person.
Human: my name is carrie.
ALICE: It's good to meet you, carrie.
Human: it is good to meet you also, alice.
ALICE: Tell me about its good qualities.
Human: it is fun and interesting.
ALICE: I think it is a lot of fun.
ALICE: Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
Human: i like to eat.
ALICE: I'm not sure if I would like to do it. What's it like?
Human: i put food in my mouth and it tastes good.
ALICE: Do you mind if I tell other people: carrie said he put food in his or her mouth and it tastes good.
Human: i don't mind.
ALICE: OK then.
A Rather Blustery Day
Hum, dum, dum,
dee, dee, dum
Hum, dum, dum
Oh the wind is lashing lusterly
And the trees are thrashing thrusterly
And the leaves are rustling gusterly
So it's rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubteadly
Looks like a rather blustery day today
It seems that it may turn out to be
Feels that it will undoubteadly
Looks like a rather blustery day today
project runway is fun to watch.
santino is so confident... almost to the point of arrogance.
okay, he's arrogant.
i was going to write something really important and mind-blowing,
but, i can't think of anything.
maybe later.
Technorati tags/category:Popular Culture,
i should take a shower.
but then my hair will be wet and i hate having wet hair.
i should do the dishes.
today, i want to go for a walk of some sort, because i'm experiencing the early stages of labor and would like to move that along.
i love ruby red grapefruit juice.
sometimes if you (or i) say something smart alecky it ends up setting off a domino effect of sarcasm which can easily turn to bitterness... but in relationships it is hard to be sweet 24/7.
i don't care that much if my blog posts are boring.
Technorati Tags/Categories:Daily Life, pregnancy, journal
today i was feeling very unattractive and huge.
i went to the doctor and he said i don't have to restrict my activities any longer.
i went to target and got a bunch of make-up-y stuff so i won't feel so hopelessly demoted.
i tried on a maternity outfit that really accentuated my belly. but i didn't buy it because i won't be needing it after this week or the next.
some lady in target commented to me that i look like i'm about to pop. i said, "that's about how i feel"
technorati tag/category: pregnancy
we went to hometown buffet and i ate a delicious salad with yummy creamy italian dressing and then i had chicken fried steak with gravy, a cheese biscuit, macaroni and cheese, battered shrimp, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing, delicious bean w/ ham soup, and cheesecake that was so delicious i wanted to rub it all over my face.
also i had rootbeer.
if there is anything else i had, i don't remember it... but it was great and horrible all at once and now i am going to explode and die.
technorati tag/category: food
we rented domino. i didn't really like it... it made me feel similarly to the way natural born killers made me feel. hollow, empty, over-stimulated and dirty. but there were moments in the film that were funny or good. tom waits was in it as some sort of mescalin-induced prophet. that part was cool.
(photo)
this house is a life-size, real-life replica of the simpsons house inside and out.
i am tired of this crap.
your crap. my crap. all of it.
i want to roar and howl like a wildebeest.
i want to misspelllll everything and never use properpucntioahjdn
or anything
and never clean my house or take a shower and only eat junk food.
and never be3 nice or happy
I want to be perfect and have everyone love me so much that they can't stand it anymore.
I want to eat fresh, organic salad and breathe fresh air and soak up the green energy of trees and flowers and nature.
I want to do everything right forever and never make a mistake.
I want everyone to love me.
i want everyone to hate me.
the beach was cold and windy. it was a sunny day, but that was just a ruse.
all the pics i took are windy, shadowy and squinty.
got some good books to read at the library....
The Mind's I by Hofstadter and Dennett
Shadows of the Mind by Penrose
Consciousness Explained by Dennett
looking forward to reading those.
also American Idol tonight.
last night when i was watching wife swap, i would hoot and holler and act very silly and excited. when the people would say things like "she is SUCH a MORON" or "i HATE you! I DO! I HATE YOU!!" it really amusese me. scott said it is voyeurism. and everytime anyone cries on the show (which most of the people do, at some point) i always say "aw" because even if i don't like them, i feel bad for them when they cry.
i think that my cousin and my sister should do a wife swap. that would be cool. i'm gonna call the show and arrange it. if they go on trading spouses they will each get fifty thousand dollars and then they have to give me some of it because it was my idea!
what do you want?
to never be unhappy?
to never be uncomfortable?
never frustrated?
impermanence will not allow this.
read this and this.
it's up to you.
i don't have triskaidekaphobia. do you?
since i began using the internet quite a few years ago, i have noticed how easy it is for people to become hostile on-line (i've done it myself, and said things i later came to regret). it is best to retain a sense of humor and try not to overreact or react too quickly. otherwise, it can become a never-ending cycle of flame wars and trolling.
what words would you associate with me? go to my Johari Window and fill out the form. it'll be cool.
The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingram in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up
today we went to costco and tried all the samples of food. some weird lady who seemed like she has probably done a lot of drugs in her life told me her life story in relation to all of her pregnancies while i tried a carrot dipped in caesar dressing. i don't know if this is a recent development, but i act really goofy now, when i am out in public. at least today, i did. i think i had really low blood sugar or something. also, lately i have no concept of time. i get all airheady sometimes.
i don't understand anything.
"dreams are real while they last; can we say more of life?" --havelock ellisi thought this was true when i read it:
"Death is a tragedy. It is not demeaning to regard a person as a profound pattern (a form of knowledge), which is lost when he or she dies. That, at least, is the case today, since we do not yet have the means to access and back up this knowledge. When people speak of losing a part of themselves when a loved one dies, they are speaking quite literally, since we lose the ability to effectively use the neural patterns in our brain that had self-organized to interact with that person."i'd say that seems accurate. it's from The Singularity is Near. i'm on page 417/487.
i fell asleep while reading at about midnight, only to wake up disoriented at one.
when that happens, i get paranoid.
so then i wasn't sleepy.
i ate cake.
it wasn't enough.
i read for an hour and then .....
boom two hours went by like magic and now it is four.
looks like i'll be sleeping all day again tomorrow.
it freaks me out when my circadean rhythms are all discombobulated like this.
i think things like i must've been abducted by aliens.
maybe it's the cat.
maybe there are nanobots self-replicating in my drinking water.
better read sum moore kurzweil.
i got a red velvet cake mix at grocery outlet for 99 cents. unfortunately, i could not find the right pan to bake it in, so i baked it in two loaf pans. that didn't work out. when i tested the cake for doneness, it was not done and i think they fell. whatever. i also got the valentines frosting to go with it. it's cream cheese icing with red heart sprinkles. i'm sure we'll be able to gag it down. i know i have the right kind of pan somewhere, but it's in a box in the garage and i don't want to go searching for it. i ate chili cheese fries for dinner tonight and last night. NOT healthy. i've been bad lately, because i am tired of being pregnant. this is week 37, which is considered term. i'm ready. but scared, too. (photo)
we've been staying awake at night and sleeping during the day. it's kind of funny to watch the show Cheaters. i don't think it should count, though, if the couple aren't married or engaged. it would be crazy to have like this whole film crew come up on you and confront you like they do on that show. i also think it's amusing that the cheaters website has a dating service. when i get bored of television, i go read my book until i fall asleep.
here i am trying to look beautiful. it's not easy. you don't even know. it's a good thing that scott loves me because he thinks i am beautiful even when i look really bad! isn't that cool?
that's a good thing about love. you can see more than just the polish.
last night we were watching Dave Chappelle on Inside the Actor's Studio. chappelle is an interesting fellow. during commercials, i switched over to this A&E show about skinheads. while watching both shows, my mind was thinking deeply and analytically about the psychology of humans. apparently, i had a concentrated facial expression-- so scott said, "you're such a serious person."
"that is true," i agreed. i've been told that throughout my life. when i was maybe 12-13, my mom said i couldn't watch Phil Donahue anymore because i would always get into an argument with somebody in the house whenever that show was on. i would start being all opinionated and want to goad people into a debate, often taking the opposite position of whatever they said.
i think it's funny. it's just the way my brain works. it needs that. i mean, i'm reading this book right now that is full of science and math-- just because!
what a strange cookie, huh?
another awesome quote from Kurzweil's book:
"Although we have the illusion of receiving high-resolution images from our eyes, what the optic nerve actually sends to the brain is just outlines and clues about points of interest in our visual field. We then essentially hallucinate the world from cortical memories that interpret a series of extremely low-resolution movies that arrive in parallel channels."
"Even though we think we see the world so fully, what we are receiving is really just hints, edges in space and time," says [Frank S.] Werblin [of UC Berkeley].
technorati tag/category: quotes
if i had to pick who i would have liked to have been at the grammy awards, i would have been fiona apple. i loved the way she looked. i think i would have been most comfortable in her outfit.
my sister recently sent me fiona's newest cd and i still haven't listened to it! i really want to, but it just never seems like the right time. maybe i should make that one of my goals for this day.
kathryn (my sister) and i have been talking on the phone like pretty much every day for at least an hour.... it's nice. for a while we were sort of out of touch. i guess life is like that: cyclic.
for some strange reason all of my bookmarks/favorites links on my laptop have mysteriously disappeared! it's very maddening. that was the place where i stuck things that i meant to link to on my blog at some point in the near future. now, i have to try and remember what they were and i don't like that! my computer is supposed to do that sort of thing for me.
but here's one thing i ran across the other day. trippy trippy dolls. some of them are quite frightening.
my body is crying out for exercise. i can feel my leg muscles aching to be worked.
i got some copper spritz colorpulse for my hair. i'll probably do it tomorrow.
we watched wallace & grommit curse of the were-rabbit yesterday. it was pretty cool.
this is what i like to pretend i look like. i'm feeling fine today.
country crock mashed potatoes are good. i didn't think i would like them, but i do. mmmmmm.
here's a cool quote about the "grandfather paradox". it's from The Singularity is Near by Ray Kurzweil. it relates to time-travel.
"This well-known paradox points out that if person A goes back in time, he could kill his grandfather, causing A not to exist, resulting in his grandfather not being killed by him, so A would exist and thus could go back and kill his grandfather, and so on, ad infinitum."
rad, huh?
it's awesome that some people spend their life thinking about this thing and stupid things like that. well, not really stupid.
technorati tag/category: quotes
i feel so crappy. ever since i ate lunch. i had these garbanzo beans that i made only a couple of days ago but i feel like they made me feel this way. i don't know. i don't feel nauseated. i do have a headache and just feel tired and weighed down. very grouchy and impatient, too. i'm just in a bad mood.
i love triscuits. the flavored ones don't usually impress me; but, the rosemary & olive oil ones are good.
technorati tag/category: food
there's this house on the corner that is like a place for rehabilitating addicts of some sort. the people who live there are ALWAYS standing outside on the porch or the sidewalk and they look at you when you drive or walk by. there is no privacy. you have to either look at them and acknowledge them somehow, or act like you dropped something and are totally busy and occupied. they are friendly, but i get tired of having to say hi or whatever.
people always think you have to say hi to them.
today the doctor was telling me to eat less salt or no salt and i was thinking to myself, "i'm not gonna do that" and i was almost on the verge of telling him so. i don't like people telling me what to do. it's a disease. if someone told me to do something like "pick up that $100 bill and keep it and spend it on fun stuff" i'd be like, "no. why? you do it." reverse psychology works very well on me. it's so simple, but nobody seems to figure it out.
besides, i usually assume that people don't know what they are talking about, anyway... even doctors. maybe even especially doctors. especially old doctors. i think old doctors have good instincts, but old-fashioned ideas.
our phone rings eight hundred thousand times a day and is almost always a machine that is calling us, or a wrong number, or a telemarketer. today, we turned the ringer off because it is so annoying. it's like harrassment.
i was so cool. livin' on an airforce base in the desert bleached my hair out. those were cool weeds i had.
today i got a book at the library called The Singularity is Near.
"Kurzweil further expounds his conviction that the human being will be succeeded by a superintelligent entity that is partly biological, partly computerized."
i decided to go ahead and try out some different blogging platforms just to see what they are like and see if i like blogger better or not.
my first try is wordpress. click the link to see the result.
it has a function where you can import all the posts and comments from your blogger blog --which i did-- but it only imported SOME. i think that it only imported the posts i'd done before i started to tweak my blogger template.
whatever.
additionally, the free wordpress blogs do not allow you to tweak the template. i don't like that, either. so far, i'm not particularly impressed.
a singificant dream that i experienced last night involved my attempting to make a phone call to my mother. i was in a strange town and needed her to come and pick me up. every payphone i tried to use was somehow unusable. all of the phones were foreign contraptions. i had trouble putting the money in, dialing the numbers, trouble with connections. after dialing the number on one phone, i heard myself having a conversation from the past. the dream just went on and on with every phone i tried to use causing some kind of problem for me. it amazes me how varied the problems were. one phone looked like some sort of rusty fire alarm pull-thing and the cord was only about five inches long. there was a phone arcade where all of the phones were also a game of some sort. one phone had a stack of bills sticking out of the coin return slot. other people were all using phones, but somehow they could not help me figure out how to use one.
how to celebrate bob marley's birthday
once i saw this documentary about bob marley that said he was thought to be a reincarnation of the biblical Joseph of the coat of many colors fame.
i have always wanted to paint a portrait of bob marley. should i start one today? will i?
today i got in trouble because i was trying to vacuum. i'm supposed to be resting. blah blah blah! it made me mad, because i am stubborn and do not like to be told what to do! prideful. arrogant. egotistical. sorry.
so, i wanted to make snacks for the super bowl. it's just the thing to do. so, i wheeled the computer chair into the kitchen and did it sitting down.
the cats do not understand that the baby's room is not for them. they think they are the babies. poor kitties. but it makes me mad. reese's wants to sleep in the bassinet and get up on the changing table! she's in for a rude awakening!
last night we finally watched thumbsucker, a movie i've been wanting to see since i saw the preview in the theatre a million years ago. it was good. my kind of movie. it had vince vaughn and tilda swinton-- two of my faves. it was a movie that is close to realistic. for me, that is a kind of escapism, because it feels so real to me, it's as though i'm living someone else's life for a little while, but i could relate to the main character's plight, somehow. keanu reeves has an amusing role as some sort of spiritual guru orthodontist, too.
pecker is a funny movie.
i feel very large, now. cumbersome and hardly able to move.
tired, too. i'm supposed to have another month of this? i'll have to try and sleep through it.
the parody commercials on SNL always trick me. like, i'll mute them, thinking it's a real commercial, or i'll think real commercials are actually the parody ones. it's confusing, but funny.
Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy. - Robert Anthony
Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle. - Ken Hakuta
| You Are 40% Weird |
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this guy makes some very interesting sock creatures. gives me some ideas. broadens my horizons.
Marcus Aurelius (121 - 180)
