one-track mind

When I stare at my blog and sometimes when I’m staring at other blogs, I am THINKING about stuff. I am not just sitting there being a zombie going “I love myself” or “I love this other person” no.

Can anyone tell me why it is that, in general, men’s bodies are not considered public property for open viewing and discussion the way we treat women’s bodies?

i want to believe

i hardly slept at all last night.
i hope i can sleep today.

do you know raymitheminx?

I dislike the word “indeed”

If you want something you need to ask for it.

I can’t get the fire started because our wood is not dry enough, I guess. Scott’s been using a propane torch to light it, but every time you shut the stove doors, the fire goes out. The fire is not sustainable.

I was reading raymi’s book feeling like I understand something more which is that I don’t know much about this person. She is so young and old. I dunno. I don’t want to talk about it.

I find her captivating. Apparently I suck at expressing this well. I guess she’s my imaginary friend? You either ‘get it’ or you don’t as far as the fascination goes.

It’s so frustrating. All I can seem to do is argue with myself about it.

Me: why do you CARE?

Also me: who cares why?

Me: it’s not healthy. Get your own life!

Me: I have my own life! And I don’t really want to LIVE her life….

Me: you just want to pretend you are famous, too.

Me: I guess so. Let’s all be famous.

I don’t know what it is. I really don’t. I just want to be creative and expressive and unique and beautiful and stylish and childlike and inspired. That’s all.

swish went the broomstick

i made this halloween witch, yesterday.

gotta break through

our internet was down all day yesterday. it wasn't that big of a deal because fridays/weekends are pretty dead internet/blog-wise, anyway.

i have been wanting to eat SO MUCH lately. must be the instinctual drive to fatten up for winter? it makes me get all bummed.

i am so mad at my blog.

mad at myself?

i feel so STUCK!

frustrated.

i would like to get un-stuck.

picnic basket

always on the lookout for avenues of creative expression

...since i haven't been exercising this week at all, i am looking forward to trying out the exercise DVDs that kathryn sent me. yoga for dummies... yep, that's me.

i feel like i WANT to be more expressive but something doesn't happen.

it's like when you're hungry but you can't figure out what sounds appetizing.

assumptions

i feel like a major douche for not linking to raymi on that last post. i totally meant to! just made an ass out of you and me. dur.

i can figure it out

today i got a package of cool stuff from my sister. that was awesome!
thank you, kathryn!
i painted a little red heart on each fingernail. it is awesome.

i am actually good at figuring out how things work.

i type really loud

thrift store bargain

i got this doll at the thrift store for fifty cents. it's neato. i like it a lot. it also has a really cute outfit. here is more than you ever thought you needed to know about this doll in very extreme vocabulary.

United States Patent: 5224863

here is is with clothes on

creativity is so awesome.

it just amazes me how endless the possibilities really are with human creative potential. or even non-human, for that matter.

the hidden opportunity in danger

gabsmash



i got a vintage pink polka dotted skirt today. circa 1950. sweet. looks like i should dress up like a 50's girl for halloween.

smooshie

I’m a fashion designer. In my fairytale world, I am. Like in that movie, pretty in pink. That is me. Except with less inflated lips. I think I need to have my lips be all poofed out like the kool kids have. Don’t you?

Oh yeah, I am supposed to be trying to be less narcissistic and write about things other than myself on my blog.

I have thought about how I could accomplish this…. And I think the best way is to turn my blog into an ethnography of the world I live in. that would be cool, huh? And I could tell you all about all the people I meet each day. Which is very few, I tell ya that much. Very very few.

There are only two stores in this town that are places to buy clothes and household items. One is a thrift store and the other is a ‘consignment’ type shop called the red shoe. I have always boycotted that store because the lady just buys her crap at the thrift store and then re-sells it at a higher price. But now she is going out of business and today everything is 70% off. So I think that I can finally deign to enter the shop today.

overindulgence

We got a pizza today that had avocados on it. That is weird. I don’t think it was really necessary on the pizza we got… with pepperoni and sausage… I could see it more on a vegetarian pizza? But it was still good, nonetheless. art by wes hempel

your favorite blog

while walking to the store, there was a girl (a woman) pushing a baby stroller and she had on a skirt that i got rid of because i didn't like it. i donated it to the thrift shop and she apparently bought it. either that or she bought the same skirt, which i highly doubt. i dunno. it looked fine on her, though. so i ripped it off of her body!

your mama

Cats do not like loud hissy noises such as a boiling over teapot on the woodburning stove. That really freaks them out.

I am about to figuratively shoot my brains out because that lily allen smile song has been in my head 24/7 since the day I heard it and it’s driving me bananas! Make it stop!

hypermammiferous

I wear things and then I realize that I don’t ever want to wear them again and then I put them in the donations pile. It’s an ongoing process, really.
Sometimes my own retardation amazes even me.
Serious.
My boobs are now a shadow of their former milk-producing days. It is quite sad, really. Or not. Scott says he doesn’t care… so.
I’ve been feeling a lot like typing lately.
I think that the ocd trait I have of always ‘writing’ things in the air with my finger is a psychosomatic symptom of my suppressed desire to express myself in writing.

the people that you meet each day

It’s strange how like certain items of clothing will fit me for years even if my weight fluctuates and then other things only fit me at a certain weight. That is annoying. Like, my actual waist is capable of being very small because of my scoliosis… my spine is all twisted and warped including my ribcage and for some reason my waist is just up too high and lopsided and really small because one whole side of my back has pretty much NO muscle tone. But my belly is the problem. I know it takes, like, a whole year for the body to bounce back after childbirth… so whatever.
Yeah, anyway—the whole point here is that I found my most comfortable skirt that I have been able to wear for years through thick or thin. And it is as comfy as ever. Just so you know. Plus I think it will look good with my boots. Even though, those boots won’t cut it later in the winter when our entire street is covered in ten feet of snow. But I guess I won’t be needing to go outside at that point, in any case.
Our neighbors two doors down have had a ‘yard sale’ in their front yard for, like, a week straight and I’ve never seen them have any actual customers nor have I noticed the merchandise at all dwindling in any way. Nobody’s even stealing the junk! That’s the kind of neighborhood we live in.

minor catastrophe

scott is in charge of the laundry at our house... in exchange for this, i am in charge of the dishes. well, he isn't one to think much about reading garment labels for washing instructions and today i realized that OH NO! i bet you anything he just washed the 100% virgin wool sweater i just got and haven't even worn yet! and i was right. that is exactly what happened. i ran to the dryer and there it was in all its shrunken glory. i was so mad and since scott was sleeping, i couldn't yell at him so i just started crying. i looked up ways to unshrink a wool sweater on the internet. i hope it works!

jack o'lantern

i think i will make a few more because they are supposed to be throw pillows; and, i have a ton of orange felt.

perfect pumpkins

scott and i did go riding on our own, without the horses' owner, so they were not as obedient as they are when she's around. there was more running/galloping? whatever than last timme.

i am making a felt jack-o'lantern which is semi deformed, but pumpkins are never perfectly spherical, now are they?

i've never been fond of sundays

I still feel like crap so I had some chicken noodle soup and some hot tea and I am also humidifying the house. One thing I need to do is vacuum, but our vacuum belt broke and they don’t have the replacement at walmart and our carpet is majorly dusty! It has lots of loose fibers cuz it’s new, relatively cheap carpet so it sheds.

I guess the worst thing is the throat hurting, and the coughing, and the nasal congestion and the backache. I’ve been trying to convince myself it is just allergies but scott keeps saying, “it’s official. You have a cold.” And I keep saying, “it’s just allergies.” We were going to go horseback riding today if I am feeling better later.

Today I remind myself of an old woman because I am grunting and groaning everytime I have to move. My lower back is all tight and it seems like my joints ache… plus I have allergies pretty bad right now so my ears are plugged up and my throat hurts. I’ve been using this nasal steroid but it doesn’t take away those symptoms… it just relieves sneezing and stuffy nose.

I’ve been feeling grouchy. Sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like if I could talk to people the way I am feeling… like, when the lame-o paint store boy who is an eminem wanna be asks if he can help me, I would say, “Go away you stupid annoying salesperson, you can’t help me and I don’t like you.” Instead of being forced to converse politely with him when I know he doesn’t know jack.
I only ask store employees for help as a last resort because they often don’t know what they’re talking about anyway.

pretty much

this is mostly done, although my perfectionistic tendencies tell me it could never be done but then i think it would be hopeless to fix it now and so i should just leave it alone...., etc.
besides the fact that i don't even really like 'bikey' (that's his name) so why should i be painting him in the first place? sheesh.
poor bikey.

there's always a crisis

the main reason that i don't have pictures of scott on my blog is that he deletes them. i had a cute one all ready to use and i showed it to him thinking it was a good picture and i turned around and he deletes it! pshh. whatever. it's cool.

my current crisis is that i need to lose weight which involves regular exercise and my problem seems to be time management because i don't want to exercise at the wrong moment and there are so many of those. right moments are few and far between, it seems.

baby steps

i'm going to try to work in home health support here in town cuz there are lots of old people for whom i could clean, cook and shop and also provide company, maybe. it couldn't hurt. it would be a good start. i've done that sort of thing before, once, when i worked for catholic charities.

survive this!

he still needs a few things... like whiskers, for one.

survivor is such a joke! they aren't surviving anything except bad hair days. it's all a popularity contest.

not finished

this is a painting i am working on.

like animals

i dyed a handcuffs sweatshirt i had. it used to be pepto bismol pink, a color which does not flatter my complexion. i dyed it dark blue.

i've been doing this old workout stretch and strengthen with elle macpherson from 1989. the leotards are funny. the video has a lot of gratuitous crotch shots.

i got two canvases on which to paint, but i can't commit to painting anything and i'm scared.

anti-social

i am going to start doing yoga every day for the nxt two years and by the end of that time i will look and feel ten years younger. we got my old cat Reese's back today. she'd been living at our old house because, well... long story...

i need to work harder to remember and acknowledge the birthdays of loved ones. and also i need to make more of an effort to be pleasant to my loved ones. i have very weak social skills, it seems, due to what i feel to be my natural introversion-- i enjoy a lot of solitude. being sociable wears me out; but, being isolated is also draining.

got my nose pierced (not)

i have grey hairs starting to grow in at my temples.

"The reality is that every human being is broken and vulnerable. How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded!" --the road less travelled, m. scott peck

mother effin trainee!

my life is INSANE!!!!
be glad that you don't live in it.

everyone beam me lots of positive vibes, please.

cool.

i have to go live my life now.

healthy junk

ugh.
i sigh a lot. scott says that means i am unhappy. i dunno. i guess so. or bored or frustrated or dissatisfied. something.

fine. i will put up a poll that scott suggested i put up because he doesn't think there could be a difference but i do.

could there be a distinction between a 'stripper' and an 'entertainer'?
	yes, i think there could.
	no, they are both strippers
Free polls from Pollhost.com

lily allen

"LDN" (3:50)

i guess she's from london? i dunno. lily allen

sadly enough

our neighbors, who are alcoholics, started fighting and the woman went outside and the man locked her out and she was drunk off her ass, and she started banging on the door and calling him a pussy and then she punched the window and it broke. then the sheriff drove by and he came back and asked her what was going on and she said "it's a family fight" and then he asked her who she was and she said, "i don't know, you tell me" and he said she was gonna be going to jail in about five seconds. that's about how long it took for them to take her away, too.

there but for the grace of god go i

whatever's clever

we are going to go out tonight while sophie gets babysat. i think we are going to go bowling since there are no good movies playing. bowling is fun, anyways.

rat's patooty

i would rather read a book than blog.
nobody pays attention to my blog, anyways.
i want LOTS of readers and don't tell me it's my content because that isn't it.
it's other ppl's lack of a brain that is the problem.
well, not YOU, though, cuz you're reading my blog-- so you obviously have a brain.
it's all dust in the wind, anyways.
why work so hard at something so ephemeral?
my kitchen is A MESS!
and I am the one who will clean it.
i made spaghetti for dinner. a really good homemade meat sauce with lots of stuff in it. and i exercised today and yesterday.
bye.

new news

im going to start looking for a job.
also, ive been told i should have an advice column.
so, if you have any questions where you want my advice-- ask away.
but, i probably wouldnt be good at picking out halloween costumes.

clue me in

last night we rented silent hill and BOY was it dumb. it made no sense. it was basically like a real nightmare. like a real one. that is why it made no sense. y'know? so don't think that it will be making sense if you decide to rent it, because it won't. but if it does, you let me know.

uh... yeah.

today i got mad at scott while he was making bacon and i took the frying pan and threw it along with its contents out onto the back lawn because he didn't deserve to have bacon, i said.
later, when i wasn't mad anymore, i brought the bacon back in and washed it off and microwaved it. still tastes good.

still answering the questions

7) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?
um, yeah.....? what the...
okay, i'll talk about how i tried to imagine what steven looked like cuz he never used to put up pictures of HIMSELF! but now he does. that is better. i like real pictures. but most of my pictures are fake. ;-)
8) Admit it. Do you think there is any real benefit in blogging?
yes. i do. lots of benefit. it makes you do stuff. keeps you mentally active. it's a creative and social outlet. it keeps me entertained. it keeps ideas out there and being shared. keeps the imagination awake. of course i do! otherwhise, why do it?
more later.

the continuing saga

6) What does a visitor counter mean to you? Do you like having one on your blog?
when i first started blogging, i was like: is there anybody out there??? so i put a hit counter on my blog and i was the only one who ever visited my blog, but i did so obsessively, so it looked like i had lots of hits. i enjoy having sitemeter on my blog, but i rarely have the time to sit and analyze it. when i did have the time (on bedrest) it was cool to see who came to my site and stuff.

wipe your feet

4) Did blogging cause positive changes in your thoughts?
i'm not sure you could call them positive changes, because everything is relative... but that's a whole different discussion. i have noticed that my thinking has changed in relation to blogging... blogging has influenced how i take in information and how i organize my thoughts. it's like a new hobby, or anything you take an interest in...

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or do you love to go and discover more by yourself?
i feel like i HAVE to read other, new, unknown to me blogs or i will be TRAPPED in a RUT of my own choosing. i need to expand my ideas about blogging and develop opinions about what's out there and what i hate or don't hate. i'm always looking for interesting blogs to read. usually i use blogmad.

....to be cont'd

BUGitudinal BUGiosity

because i have too MANY clothes that are scattered all over the entire house in a disorganized fashion-- getting dressed has become a very unpleasant, major ordeal that practically ruins my day and everyone else's, for that matter. i've been trying to come to terms with the reality that many of my clothes either fit poorly or are unflattering in some way so having them around is wreaking havoc on my self-esteem.

if you leave a slice of banana bread sitting on a paper towel and leave the room, i am going to eat it. sorry.

monkey see monkey do

i am drinking water mixed with apple cider vinegar because it is the ultimate cure-all for life's problems. let's hope it works!

i got tagged by kathryn. i will answer the questions in a series of posts.

1) Are you happy/satisfied with your blog’s content and look?
for today, yes. it changes with my moods.

2) Does your family know about your blog?
they are probably my only readers. ;-) yes. but they don't understand me!

3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog? Do you consider it a private thing?
not embarrassed at all, no. i like my blog and if something is private, i don't blog about it. my blog is mysterious. i like my privacy.

....to be cont'd.

motorin'

i was at this church rummage sale, where i couldn't find anything i really wanted except this one dehydrator thing for $3.50 which i didn't get, and there were some people i assumed were volunteering to help out who were sitting around on lawnchairs gossiping about the customers. there was this one really large woman there and they started joking about her. 'did you see that one? that there's whatchya call a coldweather woman, and then in the summer time, if ya sit downhill from her you'll get good shade.' she totally could've heard them. i did, anyway. it may have been a little bit funny but also insensitive... i dunno. whatever, i guess.

be real

little miss sunshine is about life not being a beauty contest because that is some sick perverted perfectionistic bullshit that has nothing to do with real joy or happiness. it was great!

an exception

today i saw many things. i do not care for car salesmen, or salesmen in particular... not even salespersons. no offense to any of you cool car salespersons out there, but i'm just sayin'. i also hate that fraze. "jus' sayin". i don't like lots of trendy catch phrases. they get so overused, y'know? but really.... i feel badly if i am not nice to salespeople, but all the while i know that they are just fony baloney. i could never date a car salesmen. however, i think scott would be a good car salesman because he knows EVERYTHING about car companies and car makes and models and engines.

stuff to snuggle with

i can't believe i never saw the movie explorers. river phoenix & ethan hawke when they were in, like, 6th grade. i think it was about when i was in 6th grade, anyway. ethan hawke is totally rad in his members only style jacket. it was a time when fantasy was still naive & exciting. the computers are so funny. that one kid is just "mr. cool." he's, like, so non-chalant. it is directed by the same guy that directed gremlins. the kids make a really cool spaceship out of a tilt-a-whirl and other odd junk cuz r. phoenix is a computer wiz genius mad-scientist's son.

we got the movie free at this one thrift store. scott hadn't seen the movie since he was a kid. it was MEANT 2 B.... not JUST a coinkydink.

i made shrimp scampi for dinner, which has become one of my specialties-- the keys: real butter, fresh cilantro, fresh garlic and vermicelli.

some jackass just drove by with their bass boomin so loudly our entire house vibrated. WHY? is that supposed to be impressive?

i think everyone should be less inhibited about public nose-picking.

nerd 4 life

is it better to express anger at strangers who piss you off or at your loved ones who piss you off? we watched benchwarmers last night. the individual comedians in the movie were funny but the story was retardid fo sho. but i was reminded that i fit in with the nerds more than i do with the cool peeps. not that there's anything wrong with that. and i am officially 10 lbs over what is considered a medically healthy weight. i only exercised like two days and then i was like, ....and i'm spent. so i will have to get back into that groove starting next monday or tuesday, because i am going out of town this weekend.

we went to kfc for lunch and i had the mashed potato bowl which was v. good, but fattening, i know. there were these high school kids there who were all, "when i wake up in the morning, i don't like to hear the sound of human voices. my mom was all cheerful and i wanted to kill her." whatever. plus they were all experts on nutrition and the amount of calories the average person consumes, etcetera. they were brilliant! they drove off in a new ford focus cuz they were also way cool.

we got lots of free stuff again today. getting free stuff RULES.

rainbows are gay

here is one of the beautiful salads that i made today. i've also been having a taco salad every day. i wish i were more creative! i want to make lots of cute plushies and paint lots of cool paintings. today i walked down to the thrift store to buy this adorable cookie jar and another woman beat me to it. she bought it only to mark up the price and resell it in her store which is next door to the thrift store. biatch!

i HATE how on buzznet the vertical pics are SO MUCH larger than the horizontal pics. they should ALL be available in LARGE sizes! a photosharing site should make the pictures large because they look better that way.