fourth of july is lame

the story in failure to launch is extremely formulaic, but the movie is fun to watch and entertaining, nonetheless. the whole time i was thinking that dating is just such an embarrassing ritual. zooey deschanel is cute in this movie, though. she was just too much of a good thing in winters passing, tho. the whole to-kill-a-mockingbird thing was a cool touch, also.

there is a mouse in our kitchen and it chewed through the cord on our coffee pot and now it has chewed through the cord for my laptop.

HOLY CRAP! some IDIOT just shot off a gun or exploded a bomb or some kind of firecracker and woke up the baby after she had FINALLY gone to sleep! that pisses me off.

12 reasons to skip blogging

1. blogging is for lame-o's who have no life but like to pretend that they have a life.

2. blogging is like a never-ending pursuit that gets you nowhere... often nobody reads your glorious posts of wisdom and they are just left there to float like a corpse in the ether.

3. essentially blogging is the new version of talking to oneself.

4. nobody is as obsessed with your life as you are, so get over it already!

5. nobody from the 'real world' understands blogging and don't bother trying to explain it to them because they won't get it and they will just think you are strange and have no life.

6. there are eight hundred million other things you really should be doing instead! come on!

7. nobody cares!

8. you'll eventually run out of blogworthy material and start making shit up like i am righ tnow.

9. it's a waste of time.

10. there was a farmer had a dog and bingo was his name-o.

11. sophie has decided that sleeping is just not her thing.

12. i've decided that i will just stop fighting her because it doesn't matter and she is fine.

sophie likes to somehow manage to grab the hair underneath all my other hair... like the hair on the nape of my neck and it gets stuck in her sticky little baby fingers and it kills.

she is obviously dead tired and overstimulated!!!!

never gonna set you free

matthew sweet girlfriend


yesterday scott was gonna say to me, "go to the video store" but he couldn't think of the word for video store so he said... "go to the McCallit" i was like, huh?? the Whatchya McCallit.

keeping you on the edge of your seats

last night we watched The Pink Panther with Steve Martin and he was so funny in it. it's great how he's such an idiot but is totally self-confident like he has no idea or he is in so much denial about his own lameness. that's how i am, too. it's like, "i'm cool" after i just i dunno, walked out of the bathroom with t.p. stuck to my shoe and my skirt tucked into my underwear in the back. and beyonce was in it. she is my favorite actress after meryl streep. (not really, but beyonce is pretty and she sings amazingly well and she is okay as an aktriss.)

we also watched nanny mcphee but i fell asleep halfway through cuz i was tired. i was enjoying it, but it was a lot like mary poppins and sound of music. but different, too. and i DID think that evangeline in the movie was very pretty to gaze upon. different than the typical hollywood beauty.

where does time go?

existential angst sure does get old after a while, man!
we rented a LOT of movies.
i don't know that we'll ever be able to WATCH them, but i guess we'll see.
attraction/aversion
yes/no
object/background
me/not me

a terrible misunderstanding

from toward a psychology of awakening

Ego contains at its very core a panic about egolessness, an anxious reaction to the unconditional openness that underlies each moment of consciousness.

gently down the stream

this whole day has ended up being about getting sophie to take a nap, which she has not even remotely done. maybe ten minutes.... fifteen MAX.

that’s enough to make me crazy right there. i wish i just magically knew what to do. i;m just totally stressed out now...

and i hate when i feel insulted because someone talks shit about my blog when they don’t even know me at all. that’s just silly. sure, you can talk smack about my BLOG, no problem... everyone has an opinion, asshole.
but when you think you know enough about me just from reading my blog to be able to judge anything else about my life... well, that’s going too far.

this is boring, though. it’s not raw enough.

i get all caught up in thinking about who is going to be reading this... and then i get writer’s block.

i don’t really talk like how i was writing. but do i have to? AM I supposed to? not necessarily. writing isn’t the same thing as talking.
sunburns are bad.

teaching a baby how to do stuff is a full time job with extra overtime, NO PAY>
and i become obsessive about things like EVERYTHING!
but it’s hard to remember to eat something or breathe let alone even think about blogging. and i’m so tired at the end of the day, i can hardly read without passing out. but... it keeps me engaged with the moment, that’s for sure.

Angry McGreyskirt

this morning i made pancakes. usually i suck at cooking them because i don't get the griddle hot enough and the first pancake is inedible whilst the last one is perfect.
today, the last three were perfect.

teaching a baby how to sleep is my new job. today, i miraculously found the perfect window and she went down without a sound. that was AWESOME!

other than that, i've been reading the beauty myth. some of the ideas are really interesting... some are already outdated. but it is ultimately about power struggles and fear of women taking over the world. we are kept in a brainwashed state where we become preoccupied with our physical appearance. i've always thought that being focused on physical appearance without realizing that you are was the main problem with women. we are too superficial. or we can be, as a group. and it is like women's bodies are considered public property but men's are not.

turn the other cheek

i have a huge spider bite on my calf and it's probably from a brown recluse and nobody even cares!
yesterday we went on a walk and i was miserable the whole time and complained nonstop and drove scott up the wall. my back hurt, it was hot, the sun was too bright, i had to go to the bathroom, complain complain complain etcetera.
today we went to the zoo and i had chocolate milkshakes at the zoo cafe. before that we went to the beach.

uh-oh, hot dog!

oh no, hamburger.
i am horrible because i don't know when anybody's birthday is and i always forget people's birthdays. that is immature and childish of me. selfish.
candy crystal dish.

what? were you asking me a question?

bacon and eggs

i always say that i dont have any friends. i once told a psychologist that i dont do friends. i dont understand it (blogger wont let me use apostrophes). anyway, he said that gave him cause for concern. he said, "some of the things you are saying give me cause for concern." because humans need to have friends. we are social. well, that developed as a survival mechanism, but we have since evolved into being somewhat antisocial as a new sort of survival mechanism of the future.

i see no reason to comply with the whole unwritten "youre not cool if you blog on the weekend" rule. that is v. gay. the weekend is no different than any other day for me. sorry. actually, since i never go out-- why bother pretending that im out living an exciting life? im obvs. not.

what? i cant abbreviate the word obviously? is that pretentious of me? with whom am i arguing?

i feel like i dont really understand friendship and i dont do it v. well andd for whatever odd reasons (childhood psychological wounds) i tend to isolate myself. my blog is my social outlet. for trues. sad isnt it?

but i have family. and now the womens survivors group. and occasional brief interactions with the neighbour.
but all that will be changing with great rapidity and gnashing of teeth once we get moved to the new abode. it makes me feel flutterbys in my tumbly.

headbanger's ball, baby

paradise city

sweet child of mine

axl rose was awesome

i flickin' RULE1!

i am an artist. therefore, i cannot fail. it is impossible. failure is impossible. i.e.; i am a success.
that's real.
scott was looking at my Beauty Myth book. uh-oh! he will find out about my secret plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

cuz i'm a feministisististststtt.

and i love you all.
because love is all you need.
but sometimes i get sad.
and sometimes i get mad.

how does it feel to not feel like yourself?

it is hard to express myself artistically because of strong perfectionistic tendencies. and sometimes i just feel like doing a BAD JOB at stuff.

plus being impatient doesn't help.

who is the me?
who am i?
that's what oprah talked about today.

if i were a man, would i be gay?

salvation army counters

leonard cohen
suzanne

karma

i don't like to be in a hurry or when i have to run around with time constraints.

it makes things no fun.

all i have eaten today is this watermelon.

i took a different picture of myself licking the watermelon, but that is not the kind of image i want to project. or is it? i don't flickin' know.

at the thrift store there were two shirts and a pair of pants that i wanted but did not get. i still want them. it's on my mind, now.

and i know that once i had them... i would just want something else.

the bright side

i saw a wasp devouring a caterpillar yesterday. it was gross. interesting, though. it made me think about how it isn't evil for that wasp to take great pleasure in destroying the life of another living creature. it's just nature.

we are moving to our new house in thirty days. when i first found out for sure i had a mini panic attack but that is because i felt like it was the end of the world; which it is. then i realized it is also a new beginning and that is the cool part.

you're beautiful

all the people in group today were different people than the ones who were there last time except for me. both times there was one woman who said she didn't think she would be coming back.

i checked out the beauty myth. it supposedly talks about how images of beauty are used against women.

It's what makes you a woman. Paloma Picasso, Fashion Designer

Lipstick is something that makes you feel good about yourself. Naomi Campbell, Model

It's a source of female power. Barbara Daly, Make-Up Artist

All in answer to the question 'Why do women wear lipstick?', in NOVA June 2000.

i blog therefore i am?

I am not my blog. I am not my appearance. I am not my personality. Self-fixation is not self-confidence. You can (and probably will) keep trying to convince yourself that you are the great and powerful Oz, but you're really just a scared little wizard hiding behind a curtain of illusions. right? i think i am just beginning to recognize the futility and endlessness of trying to be somebody.

happy hour

How to make a carrie

Ingredients: 5 parts anger 3 parts brilliance 1 part empathy

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of caring and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com

OMG

this was on bunny's blog. i love bunny and i want to marry her and also raymi at the same time along with alyse
but that is neither here nor there.

great stuff.
it sounds like erasure does 4-non blondes. check it out.

we finish eachother's sandwiches

today i was able to get my hair cut. i had to take sophie with me,tho cuz scott was SLEEPING!!!!
but it ended up workingout fine. so that is good.

i am currently reading a book called toward a psychology of awakening: buddhism, psychotherapy and the path of personal and spiritual transformation.
it talks about how one function of the ego is to "synthesize a consistent self-concept out of various images of itself." so like... my blog and what i am doing with it is to bolster my ego.

its gonna be alright

revolution

they were so cute.

tell me, is it true?

if anyone's a hipster doofus, it's me

hi.
i try to be cool.
which means i am not cool.
unless being uncool is cool, now.
i never know.
i don't know 'cool'
what is this 'coolness' of which you speak?

i'm sorry, but i think this is funny. a lot of times scott calls me out on my shit and he is usually correct when he does so. i was losing my cool and he threw my power of now book onto a chair and said, "so much for the power of now!" in a sarcastic way, yes... but it was still a good point.

for father's day, sophie and i made scott a delicious breakfast of cheesy hash brown casserole and delicious salsa eggs. it was good.

happy father's day

i was trying to dress like jessica simpson, but i forgot to roll up my sleeves and my shirttails aren't long enough... AMONG OTHER THINGS! whatever. it was entertaining and i got a pic where i look kinda skinny.

spare tire

right now i am happy because i have on a pair of my pre-pregnancy levi's.
they fit!
the only thing is my abdominal fat.
it feels so good to have them fit.
i know that i've tried them on several times since sophie was born, and they didn't fit me .... either i couldn't even get them closed at all or there was major camel toe. gross!
and the thing about these jeans is that they would always get all baggy and stuff cuz maybe i didn't fill them out very well... but now, they are snug.
it would be cool if i were rich like jessica simpson and i could just go buy a pair of $500 jeans any old time i felt like it.
but i don't want to be jessica simpson...
i'd rather just have everything be free.

i wish i could help you

taking things personally is counter-productive.
nothing is personal.

it seems like i've been grouchy all day.
a foul mood was afoot.
sometimes, i think it comes with the wind
and it stings like dust in my eyes.

i need to start riding my bike and walking on the beach.
SERIOUS

"life is so complicated." "it's all so complicated."
i say those things a lot.

most of the time

my newest sock monkey






today i took a vitamin. i know i should've been taking them all along, but i am bad about taking vitamins because i sort of don't believe in them. i think that they are like not really usable and you just pee them out. but maybe i am wrong. i'm wrong about a lot of things.

about group

at that women's trauma survivor's group a lot of us have ptsd or ptss (syndrome)and so we were all sitting there in our first meeting introducing ourselves and BAM! a loud bang as a folded chair which had been propped against the wall crashed to the floor. needless to say it was not good for the mood. well, it was okay for me, but it did startle me... but you know, that could set off all these triggers when many of these women were all agoraphobic about even coming to the group that day.

I'M IN THE LORD'S ARMY!

1. I am making a pink polka dotted felt elephant.

2. I like to call elephants "heffalumps".

3. I want to go thrift-store shopping or yard sale hopping.

the only picture i have in a frame of me with my son we are both glaring into the sun and look stern and impatient because we just did. **that is THE worst grammar possible. I changed tenses or whatever like THREE times.

zoo food

at this time in my life, i always try to avoid having to go out to eat.
today we went to the zoo to eat.
that sounds funny, i know.
but that's essentially what we did.
right when we got to the zoo, we saw people walking by with chili cheese fries, which i love. we were both hungry so we headed straight to the snack counter. we got chili cheese nachos, a hot dog and a hamburger. yum.
we tried to look at the goats, but sophie started crying and we went home.

be a hero

when i read self-help books, i don't really like it when they try to tell you about stuff by making it into a story about people with fictitious names. i don't care about those people! i don't want the hypothetical, generic story.
it's distracting. i tend to skim through that stuff.

i remember a time when i used to skim through descriptions of things and then there have been other times when i relish lavish descriptions with tons of adjectives.

gotta go watch oprah.

bleargh

my back is a little bit sore today either from the massage or from some yoga that i did.

"Judgment is either to confuse someone's unconscious behavior with who they are or to project your own unconsciousness onto another person and mistake that for who they are. "--The Power of Now.

it's funny when dr. phil says, "did y'all come on here to defend yourself or do you want to change this?"

those competetive twins who were on there yesterday were somethin' else man. unbelievable.

something must be done about my hair.

relax

i'm overly modest about my body. i've always been that way, but it got worse as my scoliosis increased after the age of 13.
i guess by overly modest i mean embarrassed.
but, i've been told it is nice... so.
now, i'm starting to get to the point where i don't care as much. like, i remember i had an opportunity to go into this hot springs but you had to go naked and there were other naked people, and i wouldn't do it. couldn't. i felt like i would have busted up laughing as soon as i saw the fat old saggy cellulite ladies with their tattoos and then my friends and me?? nu-uh. not gonna happen.
i'm just not able.
one time, i was given a gift certificate for a massage (this was about 12 years ago) and i couldn't go. i just couldn't get past the idea of some stranger seeing me naked and touching me and stuff. but now i have had two massages, both by young new agey women and they were delightful. i was totally able to just be there. at first it makes me want to cry and then i just count my breaths.

harder than a heartbreak

in about an hour i will be having a deep tissue massage. i'll let you know how it goes.

comprehend this

scott says my breasts look like torpedos in that last pic. whatev. it's probably the bra... too foamy or contoured.

"keep your pimp hand strong."
someone wrote that in my thirteen yr old brother's yearbook.

for the moment

when i am in group therapy i tend to be rather outspoken... it's like, i didn't realize i had such a burning desire to talk. because in social situations i become very quiet. but in group, i'm the one who wants to take over. other people get all timid. but i've been in groups before where there was someone who didn't know how to regulate how much they talk and they get really annoying cuz they never let anyone else get a word in.

the area where this was filmed looks a lot like where i live now. this is maybe my favorite beth orton song.

throw the rug into the fireplace

i have a mosquito bite on my boob. it looks ugly. all red and splotchy and bumpy. i think i'm allergic to mosquito bites. i never like my clothes. i want to wear leggings and a skirt. i have something like that but it is dorky-looking because the leggings are not really leggings but just pants and they don't look right. i'm sure i could figure sumthing out but... i have a ton of clothes, but it seems like none of them are what i want to wear.

you infer, i imply

everybody's got nice stuff but me....

that's from a song by the dead milkmen i think.

my leg is asleep and it is tingling cuz i sat on some nerve in my butt for too long.

today i am going to a support group for women survivors of trauma. it's better that i do stuff like that cuz it is free and it will be good. i still need to set up that appointment for the massage. why do i procrastinate that? i should just call right now. it makes me get nervous to think about calling. i'm so weird. and i always get messed up over "i before e except after c" weild/wield... grrrrrr.
i need to take my pills.

it sucks when scott takes a shower and i haven't yet because then i feel mad pressure to take a shower cuz he's all clean and soapy smelling and i am all yukky and stuff. so i guess i'll go do that.

bite me

a lot more really good quotes on copying other people's art

A lotta cats copy the Mona Lisa, but people still line up to see the original. Louis Armstrong

Copying opens your eyes to new possibilities, and new techniques... but trying to fob it off as your own is quite another matter. Louise Bunn

It would seem that copying photographs is never considered plagiarism... Shouldn't real artists get past the point of copying the finished work of fine art photographers? Robb Debenport

Once all the technical devices are well learned, it deadens the soul to use those skills to clone the work of others. Joe Jahn

If you absolutely have to appropriate someone else's work do us the favour of being a genius and make it say something entirely new. Lori Lukasewich

Copying is an art in itself, demanding the greatest technical ability, especially in watercolour. However well done, the copy invariably lacks that nascent, ineffable, but definite quality, provided by the furious enthusiasm with which an original is created, an essential spontaneity that defies reproduction. (Walter J. Phillips)

any thoughts?

i think it's interesting

i only have ten more pounds to lose til i'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight... but, i'm still out of shape and need to exercise. it's too depressing to be out of shape. a person feels more alive when they're in better shape.
scott's grandma gave me a box of chocolates from belgium and they all totally melted in the car, but i ate the melted stuff and it was soooo gooood. mmmmmm. i stillhave someof it. i love to eat. it is the best. yumyumyum