relax

i'm overly modest about my body. i've always been that way, but it got worse as my scoliosis increased after the age of 13.
i guess by overly modest i mean embarrassed.
but, i've been told it is nice... so.
now, i'm starting to get to the point where i don't care as much. like, i remember i had an opportunity to go into this hot springs but you had to go naked and there were other naked people, and i wouldn't do it. couldn't. i felt like i would have busted up laughing as soon as i saw the fat old saggy cellulite ladies with their tattoos and then my friends and me?? nu-uh. not gonna happen.
i'm just not able.
one time, i was given a gift certificate for a massage (this was about 12 years ago) and i couldn't go. i just couldn't get past the idea of some stranger seeing me naked and touching me and stuff. but now i have had two massages, both by young new agey women and they were delightful. i was totally able to just be there. at first it makes me want to cry and then i just count my breaths.