thrillsville

see? there is a letter 'N' but it wouldn't work out so that i could spell out 'namaste' and still use that good 'N' so whatever. right now i am looking at david spade as a woman witha mustache. it's sort of distracting. and disturbing.

oh today i saw this albino woman at the store? she had really long white hair and it was crimped. no eyebrows. then this other older blonde woman was wearing a pink knitted beret and pink pom-pom eskimo style boots. g-hay!

whatever dudes

we went to scott's dad's to help him put a car on ebay and i agreed to go for scott because i really didn't feel that it was necessary for me to go. now that it is all said and done, it could have been handled much more efficiently however it made scott happy even tho i was experiencing waves of general anxiety as is per usual, but it gets worse when i'm in situations over which i have zero control. like i can't just say to scott's dad, "look, why did you blah blah blah" and i can't just flip out and be all "doesn't anybody ever actually talk to eachother?" just nevermind.
but now the baby is sleeping and i am relaxing and the blog world is like a crazy imaginary high school drama.

my teacher popped by my house this morning at nine and dropped off this book. i felt like it was relatively expected and fine and normal but also the house was untidy and i wore no bra. anyway, the book doesn't look very dry to me. it sort of looks all wet. ish.

****update

because the first place i ever heard of augusten burroughs was on raymi's blog. that IS true. i won't deny it. i stand corrected in having to be reminded to mention this.

what the deuce?

which one is the funny guy?

i used to have white lace tights like those when i was a kid in the eighties. they were cool. i want some more of those. we are staying up too late tonight/this morning. being unusual. sometimes things just have to be different than usual. but i should probably go to bed now.

i think i fixed it

Trollope quote from 'Phineas Finn': 'But who is there that abstains from reading that which is printed in abuse of himself?'"

good goose runderswear

let's see, in order for cool people under thirty to think you are a good writer you have to say disgusting vulgar things with lots of swearing and talking about drugs and sex and you can't use proper punctuation and actually it's really okay if your sentences don't even make sense but the most important thing is it should be something that you would never ever say out loud in a church unless you were just a complete sociopath. then people will think you are clever for sure.

which is why i have no hope of ever being in with the cool kids. i don't like to write things about sex or drugs or swearing. i don't write in order to shock people. i guess i'm a little old-fashioned that way.

my baby has been taking steps by herself this week. it is awesome.
what is not particularly awesome is that she keeps changing the settings on my laptop whenever i turn around and now i can not punctuate things correctly unless i first hit the "function" key

today is opposite day

my horrorscope on freewill astrology:

"Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish," prayed Michelangelo. He exulted in the feeling of having too much to express. He thrived on the stimulus of his delicious frustration, and used the inspiring sting of his nagging inadequacy as a fuel for his boundless creativity. Are you willing to experiment with this approach, Gemini? Do you have the nerve to love what's imperfect about your life? Are you brave enough to laugh at the probability that your yearning will never be completely fulfilled?"

it's been a while

i think larry david and i were separated at birth, man... i swear.
it's almost amusing, actually.
we rented borat tonight and he is kinda like larry david, also.

oh my art teacher called me this evening because i've missed a lot of class. she asked if she'd lost me. i said that i just haven't been painting. she told me that she has dry for me. so i will definitely want to get that.

i keep trying

it sucks to feel the way i do now. like nobody likes me. like it is somehow my fault and i don't know why. i have thought that maybe my unconscious is wreaking havoc on my conscious life. because i don't mean any harm and then people think that i am attacking them and they come back at me with both barrels.

so i feel like i have to retreat into myself and figure out how this happened, why, and what to do about it.
because i feel hurt. i feel that it is unjust. i feel perseceuted. judged. misjudged.
i have feelings. i never intended to hurt anyone. and i feel like people are really disregarding me and acting ridiculous.
i don't want to be where i'm not liked, where i am annoying people, where i am not wanted. i don't want to feel that way.

i don't care.

Scapegoating is a hostile social - psychological discrediting routine by which people move blame and responsibility away from themselves and towards a target person or group. It is also a practice by which angry feelings and feelings of hostility may be projected, via inappropriate accusation, towards others. The target feels wrongly persecuted and receives misplaced vilification, blame and criticism; he is likely to suffer rejection from those who the perpetrator seeks to influence. Scapegoating has a wide range of focus: from "approved" enemies of very large groups of people down to the scapegoating of individuals by other individuals. Distortion is always a feature.

why does this always seem to happen to ME?

* a big wink to y'all

i'm not a part of the cellphone culture which seems to be rapidly infiltrating many aspects of our society: movies, television commercials make them seem they've become an integral part of life. i even saw a flip-fone teether for babies. but i am not in the loop cuz i don't have one. but i've often thought people probably pretend to be on their cellphones whenever they don't wanna talk to someone else. i hate/love how people will be ON the phone & just keep having conversations with other people in real life, too! it's whacko. i think i'm gonna start carrying around a phone (even tho it's not hooked up to a service) and pretend like i am talking to people so i can pretend i have friends and a life and stuff. it'll be cool. i will be one of those insecure girls who doesn't want to look like they have no friends. yeah. i am one of those. but i think it would be a source of great amusement.

m-m-m-my psychosis

the hair at the nape of my neck underneath all the rest of my hair is always wanting to turn into a dreadlock. i don't want to have dreads, thanks. i would have done that when i went to HSU if i were gonna do that. but my hair wasn't long enough back then, cuz i always stupidly want to have a cool a-line bob but i look better with long hair and that is a fact.
my grandma gave me these awesome really comfy mocassin slippers, fleece-lined, suede outer. very comfalicious. i think they are cute, too. she said she would get me another pair in a different color because she gets them out of some catalog for five dollars a pair. i guess.

all units respond

i always have this feeling when i'm talking to people that they are3 making an effort to appear as though they are giving me their attention but really they can't wait until i shut up and they are having a lot of trouble giving a fuck

so then i wonder why i even talk. but everyone else talks and talks without any concern or awareness even if anyone even gives a rip AT ALL about what they are saying.
they just want me to SHUT UP!

something witty

HEY! all you bloggers out there who LOVE ME SO!!!!!

i am going on another drive today and will be back in the evening!
BE GOOD while i am gone!!!!

LOVE YA, thanks for all the support and everything.

i am flawed

my nearly one-year old daughter is playing in the shredded paper from my mom's shredder. she is having fun.

i think one of my main motivations in blogging is to interact with other people. i don't necessarily want to build real relationships, because i don't understand relationships in real life as it is, let alone trying to understand people i've never actually met. i definitely do not desire to bring more conflict and drama into my life, i have a hard enough time with my own life problems as it is, thanks.

i want to blog. but i don't want to have hurt feelings and i try to avoid hurting other people's feelings and i am sorry that sometimes i hit enter before my brain has really had time to know what i just typed. i've got to try to stop that, but you know.... there is a lot of ambiguity on the web, isn't there? and a lot of jumping to conclusions.

whatever. i forgive you if you forgive me. i hope.

vandalism

vandalism is cool.
be a vandal.
hey. i think i've been like getting carried away with my commenting around at other blogs and starting to say stupid things that piss people off. i think i avoid pissing people off a lot and then occasionally i have two glasses of wine and start letting the social blunders fly! woohoo partay!!!!!
i won't be able to obsess on the computer all day! what am i gonna do???? and then the whole weekend also i will be somewhat computer deprived. life's not fair, is it?

time slowed down

i think it is trippy the way that you pretty much don't see 'sexy' shots of men on blogs unless it is a blog for gay men. and then with provocative pictures of women you have other women 'complimenting' -like- i just don't get it myself. i don't feel all happy and excited for another woman when she has a hot body. i'm not gonna be all "yay for you" in general. i mean, i might say that kind of stuff if i feel obligated, but anyway. this is just how i see things. from my limited little worldview, i suppose.

this is how i blog

tomorrow we get to drive in the car for most of the day AGAIN! woohoo!
but what the hay. our normal life of staying in the house all day every day gets old fast, too....
there are a lot of days when i don't talk to anyone outside of this house. except on the internet... the only savior of my sanity.

time has been going by really slowly today... maybe because i woke up at five again.

i'm starting to make a winnie the pooh doll out of a pair of new yellow socks. then i will make eeyore.

if all goes well

i wore my chuck taylor's today (b&w) and they really hurt my arches. i need better arch support than that.
i just removed the fossilized nail polish off of my left toenails. still haven't done the right foot because the north korea show came back on.

infiltrate

this was some vandilization at whatever store we were in today. i don't even remember right now.

scott always says, "never trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die."
we had to go to reno today to the VA.
always a good time.
at trader joe's i got some thai green curry paste in a jar. a jar of it. some organic firm tofu for ninety nine cents. frozen mixed berries. green chile tamales. 3 buck chucks, which i am trying to drink right now if the baby would just go to sleep. which she never will.

SWEET that show about north korea with lisa ling is on.
BYE

are you a fruit? or a nut?

i tried to take a picture today of a man standing on the sidewalk as we drove by. he was dressed as the statue of liberty and was holding some sort of sign. my camera was too slow to get the shot. got some other boring store sign instead. deleted it.

we went to trader joe's in reno. scott had never been to one and wasn't duly impressed. i certainly was. i still like it. but the store was really busy and that was a pain in the ass. carts were everywhere. i couldn't escape the people in every row getting in my way while i tried to browse the dried fruits and nuts collection.

up since five

here is the latch-hook rug i have been working on/procrastinating for over a year. it cost like thirty dollars and it has this whole symbolic code you have to interperet for each individual piece of yarn you tie onto the grid. i want to get it finished. it is supposed to be a gift for scott's mom cuz she is obsessed with horses.

really quite spectacular

i did not go to class today and i never even brought up the subject and scott didn't say anything about it either, so cool. i feel like i am personally betraying my teacher and like it's really all about me and her.

ew! i DID see that gross guy who thinks he's jesus and has people get those bad tattoos of the devil's number. that sounds a little fishy to me.

pin a bunch of flowers to your dress

i like to cook stuff but i usually end up messing it up somehow. today i made cinnamon rolls using bisquick and i made the icing way too runny and so it all soaked into the cinnamon rolls and made them mushy so i kept cooking them until some of that runny stuff evaporated and now they taste pretty good but they aren't the ideal cinnamon roll.

what else did i make? some kind of chili-cheese nachos that were all soupy and made a lot of the chips get pretty soggy. the stuff was all okay, but not the best. usually i make things using whatever we have around and a lot of times it isnt' the ideal ingredients.

there is laziness

i've spent the morning making this slightly askew-looking piglet doll. i walked to the store today and got a rotisserie chicken and some cheese. yum grease. i haven't painted at all in like a week. supposed to go to class tonight. that gives me anxiety to think about it. a habitual mental thing that i do. dread stuff.

to be normal

from now on this blog will be written by alec balwin because, i mean, doesn't he do everything now? he'd probably write your blog, too, if you asked him.
we're watching a show on science channel narrarated* by him and it's about cave-people and there is full frontal neandertal nudity both male and female.

*i know

lame i am

i still haven't picked up my hairbrush since it fell behind the toilet like a week ago or something and i haven't brushed my hair since then, either!!! that is whack yo. my hair is damp right now cuz i washed it earlier. i got this conditioner that is supposed to make your hair pin straight. i've used it twice, but since i don't have a brush, i haven't blowdried my hair. i don't want to get my brush out from behind the toilet. i need to deep-clean the bathroom, anyway. i need some pine-sol. but i just don't want to deal with that now. eventually i might need to do it, tho, because i really probably should brush my hair.

i guess it's fashion week

i love the whole concept of fashion. artistic focus is the best thing, man. appreciation of the cutting edge. this is a concept! you are supposed to be inspired by it.
i went by the video store this evening to see if there was anything good to rent, but there really wasn't. i want to see marie antoinette some day but not enough to reserve it (it was checked out). the video store lady is kinda strange. she hates men. she always seems to comment about how i got a chance to get away from the crazy man insinuating that all women obvs. hate their signif. other. anyway, i just laugh and say "yeah haha" i dunno. she like got up close and personal with me this evening. she sort of like had her arm around me and had her face like two inches from mine. maybe she's a lesbian and she wants me? i think i do remember her making a comment one time about me looking nice. haha.

or does it?

i just got myself a glass of white grape juice and went to set it on my end table and there was already a glass of white grape juice there that i'd just got ten minutes ago. doy!!!
you know it is interesting. someone could be an amazing writer but a boring person to be around. what do you think? or they could be amazing to be around but be a really boring writer. blogs can also be included here. a blog doesn't give you the same impression of someone as meeting them in person does.

and at the same time, i personally cannot be someone other than myself.
my experiences (and lack of same) limit me in a lot of ways. i don't hang out with lots of people, i am isolated from a lot of stuff. anyway, none of this matters because blogging doesn't matter.

on top of the world

i'm not really.
on top of the world, that is.
just that carpenters song is playing....
"looking down on creation"
but i have to walk to the store right now.
because we have a flat tire.
so if anything exciting happens on my trip to the store i will let you know.
but sometimes i forget.
like this one time, we went into this store and there was this morbidly obese woman working in there and the whole store smelled like her unwashed crevices. ew. i was gonna blog about that the day it happened, but i forgot.

and so on

i am in an okay mood because i just re-read my last post and remembered that i have new pants to wear tomorrow. i hope it is all i imagine it will be.

we just finished running with scissors. it was pretty good. there was one thing that happened that made me and scott laugh our asses off! it just really struck us as funny! the poem called 'peaceful duck' or whatever. and joseph fiennes is a great actor. or at least i think he's cute. it's one of those or both.
yeah. it was pretty good. and as a parent, i felt vicariously the messed up guilt feelings over the inability to be a 'perfect' parent because you didn't have perfect parents ad infinitum....

for later

today i went to the thrift store and got a pair of jeans that fit me pretty well, i think. i just washed them and they are in the dryer. i also got a sweater for scott and a bunch of board books for the baby.

and i rented running with scissors. i was surprised it was at the video store.

i'd kind of like to get some wine but not sure i will.

i guess it's my own secret

i need these buy them for me

toy food
that jackhammer dude .gif on that site is whack.

pee ess: my laptop screen is so dirty i can't even see anything on my computer.
do you know how to clean it?

"real life is so boring and stupid!"

humans are strange.
there are ALL sorts of different kinds of humans.
which kind is the "right" kind?
is there such a thing?

i love to observe people! really really.
it's quite stimulating. in the sense that there are a lot of probabilities that float around. like in a taco bell in a random town, for instance. what can you say about the people there? it would be interesting to do a road trip/ethnography of taco bells.

where do you go?

well we pretty much spent the last two days on the road.
out-of-town business.
long story.

it was fun to like see different people in large quantities. now eureka seems like a big town to us. i get a thrill out of visiting larger places, but living in them is kinda stressful for me. i'm all ptsd'd out and stuff. i need the tlc.
we spent the night in a hotel room last night. the baby thought it was a big huge fun time slumber party stay wide awake two hours later than usual time. we were all paranoid about her not touching pretty much anything in the room. especially the floor. so that was funzies.
anyway.
speak of the devil, i must go stop her from more of her mischief.