situations like these

i go through times of relatively calm composure regarding what i eat, maintaining a fair amount of control over my appetites... but lately, if scott doesn't hide that stuff and i see it lying around-- i'm gonna eat it. it's like i can't resist the allure... the temptation of the momentary pleasure of just one more bite of suzie q. or glazed buttermilk entenmanns donut or hoho or kit kat or almond joy. he is the one who buys this stuff and i have no willpower against that for some reason.

don't be such a dweeb

perhaps i have an unusual fascination with icicles.
i'm sure there's nothing symbolic about it.
so don't bother yourself with wondering.
i wish i had some snowshoes or crosscountry skis. there's this open field behind our house and it's covered in snow and it's night time, but there is a big street light and another floodlight from a storage facility that provide heavily shadowed ambience. i would like to go out there and take pics. too bad i don't have a major zoom lens. or a sled and a dog to pull me on it.

i want something

i tend to gravitate toward dressing like a crazy homeless person and i also do not ever want to have to do anything that requires responsible interaction and paperwork and/or any sort of liability on my part. y'know?
so maybe i should be a crazy homeless person.
everyone in the house is sleeping but me.
i am not sleeping.
should i be sleeping?
what SHOULD i be doing?
there are so many things i should be doing that i think it is safest to do none of them.

silly you

maybe i am just naive, but who in their right mind thinks that barak obama will be elected president this coming election? yeah right! his name for one thing. do you think people will go for that? don't be silly.

i don't have a blog

this side of the little storyboard thingie is less kiddish.
maybe a little scary, even?
the eye is a little angry.
it seems perturbed.
i'm not sure i like its demeanor!
hahahahaA

my sleeping hours are all convoluted now because during the power outtage i slept more than usual, i think. and took weird naps. this whole last year actually even more than that has been sorta sleep-deprived because of the baby. so i'm kinda used to it.

very important hair-related information

sometimes i regret having my hair trimmed to make it healthier cuz it's so much shorter now and maybe it wasn't really in all that bad of shape. the truth is, i should have it trimmed more frequently and then it woulnd't feel so drastic when i do it twice a year. oh well. it doesn't matter that much anyway.
i am out of conditioner and i've already watered down and emptied out the bottle. we are practically snowed-in, but not really, but almost... and anyway, last night i didn't get to use conditioner and i went to bed with wet hair and when i woke up i had this huge puffy birdsnest on the back of my head. also my hairbrush fell behind the toilet and i haven't ventured to get it out and boil it yet. maybe i'll just buy a new one. hopefully. i hate that hairbrush anyway.

blackout!

our power has been out for the past 21-ish hours. i kept myself busy for a little while working on the latch hook rug i started like two years ago. candles. flashlights. woodstove.

i love to read!

hello?

oh, so yeah, babel wasn't that great for me. i barely even remember it. it was confusing. sorry, i guess i'm just not that sophisticated. but i still wanna see the queen and the last king of scotland (is that what it's called?) with forest whitaker.

we're in the process of getting snowed-in here.

just ew

haha pooping barbie dog. it's real.

do you know where my coffee is?

here is a kind of ocd type thing that i do. i save all the dregs of the tortilla chips for some possible future time when i will have a taco salad and can cover them with chili and salad to disguise that they are stale.

also, i like to read all labels on packaging... like every word out loud in a commercial voice. and i also like to sing commercial jingles that i remember for products when i use them. this is not one of scott's favorites of my habits.

i also talk to myself out loud at every available opportunity using different voices and sound effects.

snowdork

i've spent hours working on this crafty project for the baby and she really has no interest in it. she liked it better when it was just plain cardboard. but i'm likinng it, myself. the other side is even cooler, but not finishedyet.

rolling home

i had scott take some pics of me from upstairs while i was lying in the snow. i thought he had enough time to take like ten pics and he only took TWO! the coat i am wearing is like this big huge trapeze style plush 'fur' coat. anyway, it just keeps snowing and snowing. it's pretty cool.

i wish i could have a sugar-glider possum

resistance is futile?

we just finished watching man about town with ben affleck. (we had to re-reserve babel because of some screw-up) anyway, it was an okay movie. nothing spectacular. not horrible. it's kind of about infidelity and marriage.

scott bought a whole box of twinkies the other day and i did not eat a single bite of them. they are all gone, now. i've never been a huge fan of twinkies. i was telling scott that i only like the filling in ho-hos and i've always thought they must have a different filling.

be there as the witnessing presence

some of those icicles are like six feet long dude.
i have this annoying habit of tucking in my chin and i really need to stop doing that. chin up! chin up! i have to tell myself.
why do i do that?
there must be some deep-seated psychological or genetically imprinted reason. why do people develop habitual postures?

glitter purple unicorn

last night scott reserved babel for tonight(!) and rented man of the year which was sleep-inducing. i fell asleep and when i woke up, i found that scott had just left me right where i sat when i fell asleep and he went to bed. also, he doesn't see how that would be not-very-nice at all. pshh. he's all, "you were snoring so you must've been comfortable." ultimately, yes, i was fine... but it would've been nice is all if he'd've said something when he went to bed. it just feels funny to wake up in the middle of the night in a slumped over position on the sofa wondering how you got there. haha.

the soup

i made soup with sauteed bell pepper and carrots, canned mixed vegetables, organic potato leek soup, freshly steamed broccoli and cauliflower. it's resourceful and not that bad for you. i could eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner tomorrow. we have some canned sardines and canned smoked oysters. i want to eat those sometime. for scott's dinner i made him a spam & pepper jack omelet. haha.

when i was in high school i went through this phase where i wore a lot of blue including blue mascara. so some people would call me 'smurf', which was funny.
high school was eight hundred million years ago.
breakfast: crappy-tasting puffed multigrain cereal, milk, no sugar.
snacks: sugarfree jello with fruit cocktail and lowfat cottage cheese +2 chicken nuggets. apple chips.
drinks: coffee with sugar and cream, hot tea.

all is just fine-- happening.

i keep feeling my heart beating strangely in my chest. irregularly?
scott FORCED me to make caramel corn and then he also MADE me eat a whole bunch of it. that stuff is EVIL man. you can't stop eating it. pure sugar. vedy vedy bad.
when i was a kid i used to get called a sore loser and a poor sport a lot cuz i was those things. i never liked playing competetive sports because i would get upset if i wasn't perfect at it immediately.

used to be red

it's been snowing all day.
so we're not going anywhere.

i didn't go to my art class.
last night i watched mad tv parodies on youtube for at least an hour.
our dish wasn't working.

placemat

we got a few inches of snow last night and it is actually still snowing this morning.
i remember being a kid and asking my friend how come nobody liked me.
and she was all, "they do like you, but they think you don't like them. they think you are stuck up."

FINE!

no, but i was SHY=scared=nervous=afraid!!
hm.

people.
who NEEDS em, anyway?
i am just going to clone myself in this cloning machine i made where i will just be duplicated at this same age so there will be two of me and we are going to get married!

i was thinking that because i was standing in my kitchen thinking, i wish someone were here to witness my life. i guess that would be me... and then YOU by way of my blog. but yeah. i should just be doubled.

ambivalent art

my art teacher overuses the phrase "the truth is"
she says it so much that it loses all meaning, it seems.
but maybe not.
at the beginning of class she lit an apple cinnnamon scented candle which stayed lit the whole time. one girl was like, "it smells like burning candles in here" and someone else was like, "that's cuz there IS a candle burning in here."

life's not fair, is it?

because i have unhealthy boundaries i morph into the people i hang around and now i am sort of morphing into a high school student. not really, but this morning i have been acting IN-mature and silly and helpless and scott said that it's like he has TWO daughters. HAHAHAHAHAHA
being a grown up is BORING anywayz.

i wish i could be obsessed with like avoiding food.
the thing that is hard for me is like thinking about the future instead of the present. like right NOW i am fat and right NOW this will taste good and make me feel distracted and better for like five minutes. getting skinny is something that MAY or may NOT happen sometime in the future. who even knows if i will live that long!?
SHUT UP about the FOOD already! just get skinny and get it over with! seriously.

should be dancing

everyone has had it out for me today.
first this morning scott got a box of donuts at the gas station. i only ate a bite of a plain donut.
then my teacher brings the cake and i didn't want to be rude.
then scott orders a pizza.
and brings home a six pack of pacifico.
then at art class tonight some lady brought thin mints, an entenmanns breakfast danish pastry thing... and chocolate-vanilla marbled poundcake. she also brought ice cream, but i didn't have any of that.

school daze

my art teacher brought this cake to the high school class to celebrate birthdays.
it is trippy to be in that class because i am an outsider and so have no attachment to whatever is going on there. so i find it all amusing, but the kids seem to care little about that class as being an actual class. they don't take it seriously.

the biggest problem seems to be that everyone wants to joke around constantly or be talking about stuff like how this one girl can get another girl a date for prom because there's these two guys she knows who can't go with their girlfriends, so they need someone to go with so they will pose as your date and dance with you so they can get in.
this one girl there? her nickname is 'troll' it even says so on her school sweatshirt. they wear those a lot here.
this one girl was saying how she thinks she is probably going to become a serial killer. nobody seemed to take that seriously, tho.

live blogging my life

i am drinking hot green tea flavored with orange and spice. no sweetener.
okay, so now i have art class in an hour or so and i am going to work on cleaning up those whiskers on the cat painting.
the class goes by pretty quickly, it is only an hour. oh yeah... and tonight is the class where that lady will be there with that book i want to ask about borrowing. YEAH! i will mention it this morning to my teacher and maybe we can get the ball rolling.

scott just bought a cup of coffee at the gas station and he comes over and gives me a refill on my half cup of green tea. so now i have half coffee half green tea. see, and that pretty much kind of does sum up our whole situation where he brings around all sorts of 'bad' foods and then i eat them.

what's it all about?

tomorrow i am going to drink only tea and water. NO soda! i thought that not drinking alcohol every night would help me but i just sort of replaced it with eating. and i SO ENJOY soda. coke or pepsi, maybe dr pepper.

trying to find new good blogs is not easy. it's like i still haven't found what i'm looking for. never enough. most blogs aren't updated frequently enough to suit me, either. i want MORE MORE!

there is always something that i am after when i 'blog' (blogging being reading/commenting/posting/editing/looking for new blogs). it's a spark of interest. a feeling of engagement.

a-choo!

i just made a pot of healthy food. it has lots of celery, onions, garlic, carrots, lentils, and couscous with a couple of boullion cubes. today i want to make pigs in a blanket because we have hot dogs but no buns, but we do have bisquick.
some people sneeze very strangely. maybe because sneezing makes them feel vulnerable so they have to control it somehow. for me, sneezing is a great opportunity to clear the nostrils.

DUH

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk 95% Superman 70% Catwoman 70% Batman 65% Green Lantern 65% Supergirl 62% Robin 60% Spider-Man 55% Wonder Woman 42% The Flash 40% Iron Man 40%

You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

felt like it

my coffee is perpetually cold, i tell you.
it makes me want to just give up, but i keep plodding along, just like life.
it's all about postpone, postpone, postpone.
and i think it is kinda crazy to have to get dressed every day.
i wish kinda that we all just had uniforms.
clothes take up so much time.

painting by maxfield parrish

is it cliche to like maxfield parrish? because if it is, then i am cliche.

on intervention there were these two young women with eating disorders. they were talking about a bulimic trait of 'chew & spit' where you don't swallow your food. very ritualistic. i wouldn't want to go through all of that. i'd rather just not eat the thing or eat it all the way.

my son, atticus, playing guitar.

i am listening to a channel on tv called Audio Visions "A place where you can be surrounded by the sounds of nature, poetry and acoustic music."
it's very new age-y. right now it is harp and flute music.

i can't find anything by augusten burroughs for less than like i dunno ten dollars. that's more than i like to spend. actually, i overheard my art teacher talking to a woman/student about "dry" and "running with scissors" and i think that i could arrange to borrow a copy from her.

my inheritance

i think a lot about taking some of those pills that make you lose weight supposedly, but a bottle of them is like twenty bucks and they probably don't work. i am too unmotivated to maintain any sort of exercise routine. but my legs are atrophying and my belly is bloating. too much caffeine not enough water.

you don't care. you don't want to hear it.

i'm tired.

bored/boring.

repellent.

i really do feel disinterested in most things. i think pretty much almost everything, i really lack an interest in. which pretty much sucks.
i'm effing DEPRESSED.
can't shake it!
always seems like i'm swimming as hard as i can muster but still only treading water.

and i do want to be rescued.
but mostly i don't want anything.
except to feel interested in something. in doing something.
THIS SUCKS.
and there is basically nothing anyone can do to help me.

i'm bad

me, this morning: "sophie, do you want some juice?"

i get the MILK out of the fridge and go "d'oh!"
put the milk back, get out the JUICE.
proceed to pour white grape juice into my COFFEE instead of the sippy cup.
d'oh!

OH and you know WHY this happened? because i was preoccupied with thinking about how i have this STUPID song stuck in my head and like as soon as i am conscious for like the past week, my brain is singing

hot cross buns
hot cross buns
one a penny
two a penny
hot cross buns

if you have no daughters
if you have no daughters
if you have no daughters
give them to your sons.
but if you have none of these little elves
then you must eat them all yourselves.

and for some reason that song seems perverted to me.

it was from the simpsons

"i like to think of myself as a writer"
well, then you probably aren't a real writer.
cuz i don't think that sounds like something a real writer would say.

since my back is out of alignment, i can't do much of anything without it hurting and so i just keep coming back to the computer.
i'm playing suteks tomb on neopets.

scott isn't in much better shape than i am.
he hit his thumb with a hammer.

hot cross buns

maybe i'll take a shower in an hour.
a shower in an hour
a shower in an hour.
my coffee it always grows cold.

i can feel my leg muscles urging me to use them.
they want to be used.
not merely sat upon.

my knee has been troubling me for a little while, now.
it just hurts and i don't know why.
probably arthritis.
what have i eaten so far today?
a bacon, tomato, avocado sandwich + coffee (2 cups).

since my back started hurting i've cut back a little on the housework and *poof* the kitchen looks like a total disaster area. i think it's amazing how quickly things can pile up.

fickle finger of fate

none of the movies playing at our theater are worth going to all the trouble to see. it's easier and makes more sense to just wait and rent something.

poor britney spears, huh?
i think it makes perfect sense, tho, really.
it's kind of like michael jackson's situation.
the fame steals your soul during childhood and then when the rug gets pulled out from under you, your identity is shattered and you have nothing left.
right?

i don't even have a cell phone

we need a nanny.
my back is totally not functioning properly.
my spine is working at about 50% right now.
i pretty much can't find a position to be in that isn't painful.

the writing in lolita is so good.
scott doesn't think i should be reading that book.
he says that i wouldn't like it if he were reading it.
this is due to the subject matter.
but the writing is the good part.
you know, in order to be committed and dedicated as any type of artist, you kinda have to be crazy. other aspects of life will tend to suffer from a lack of attention.

the departed was a "good movie" and stuff, but i didn't enjoy it anywhere near as much as i did blood diamond. leo is one of my favorite actors. the departed was a movie about cell phones.