waiting on the world to change

good morning.
i am feeling grouchy, as usual.
it's true.

i don't feel like making another pot of coffee and it irritates me because i want another pot to be brewing.
it's like i revert back to a childlike mentality and then i feel all pissy because i have to do stuff.
ultimately it seems to be that i want to be someone other than myself.
someone prettier, friendlier, funnier, more successful, more likeable.
just NOT ME!

so then i think, i have to go to my art class this morning and i don't want to go.
i already missed two classes last week.

what is my problem?
what am i avoiding?
not just in general, but specifically about the art class thing....

seriously? i think it is a lot because i feel unattractive or otherwise fatally flawed somehow.
i have nothing to wear, my hair is whacko, i don't know what to do about my face.
so it is easier to stay home, y'know?

in order to go out, i would like to at least wear interesting/attractive clothes so that people will be distracted from how boring i feel. or i will be distracted.

but, really... this is all ridiculous.

i just find it interesting, the resistance i feel about having to do anything!
we skipped out on our counseling yesterday too.
feels like it's not helping that much.

***** i am back from my class now and it was cool. i'll do another post about it after i upload some pics.
i have dyslexia today.