i really don't want to be famous

it's sadturdday and we have a babysitter for the next four hours.
i have been watching the clock waiting to pour myself a glass of relaxation wine at noon.
we DID go for a walk today. it wasn't strenuous enough, tho.

if i cared more about myself, i would do a workout tape or turn on fit TV and do some aerobics. i'm always like, well what's one more day of postponement? AarGH!
i'll see what's on fit tv.

when we were on our walk, i thought i saw a community gym, but it wasn't... it was just a garage that had one workout machine in it.

if it ain't got that swing.

oh man i would LOVE it if i could get LIPOSUCTION on my belly!!!!!!!!!!!
that would be rad.

i guess i am going to go for a brisk twenty minute walk today.
sophie is going to her gramma's in about an hour.
right now she is sleeping.

i mention this because so many of my readers are under the impression that blogging while being a stay-at-home mom somehow requires child neglect.

you mean well

while watching fast food nation, i could not keep my eyes open. it's not that it isn't interesting, but it is very slow and soporific. i like those kind of movies sometimes, tho... the kind that put one to sleep. like DEAD MAN with Johnny Depp which is the BEST movie ever for sleeping.

years ago, the first time i rented dead man, i couldn't return it cuz i liked it so much and i just kept on not returning it and having some sort of like mental block against returning it (i even told my therapist at the time and he convinced me that there were definitely OPTIONS in that situation...)

so last night i went to bed at about eight fifteen. so now i am awake, but unfortunately so is the baby.

please tell me

carrie needs to
	go to cosmetology school
	delete her blog
	exercise daily
	get a job
	drink wine until she passes out
	ignore everyone's advice and live her own life
Free polls from Pollhost.com

we did a bunch of stuff today because the weather was nice. i went to a new thrift store that had a ton of stuff and all jeans were ten cents a pair. i found two in my size, supposedly, but i am washing them before i try them on.

i got lots of compliments on my socks today.

last night we watched stranger than fiction with will ferrel, emma thompson, dustin hoffman, maggie gyllenhaal. AWESOME movie.
when i returned that video and rented fast food nation for tonight the lady was quite chatty with me as usual and i felt myself fidgeting by rubbing my foot on my calf like a cricket. being a good girl and polite. she asked me how old i am. when i told her 33 she was surprised.

this is MY life

i have a memory of when i worked at the bank and i had a customer, an older guy, observe that when i used the 10-key/number pad on my keyboard i kept my pinky finger sticking up in the air. he pointed it out and he said that it was "SICK" haha. i thought that was really funny. i just thought of it because when i was trying to use my mousepad just now, in order to not have my pinky finger sticking up i had to consciously curl it up and hold it down. it must be a physiological thing or else it has to do with my being a generally high strung? i guess person. i guess that guy just thought it was a sign of insanity or something? probably. or else he thought i did it because i was like ULTRA-feminine but i have often had people say i was prissy and that was annoying because it is just the way my body is designed that makes me look that way. my UNCLE looks that way too cuz HE looks like my grammie. i remember one time i saw myself on video when i was in high school and i thought i looked WAY prissier than i pictured myself to be.

looky-loo

exhuming an old post

Thursday, April 19th, 2005
The vanity of others runs counter to our taste only when it runs counter to our vanity. --Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

i'll do what i want

let's not get too carried away

Amy Winehouse was so impacted by public criticism of her then size 14 body that look what she did to herself! that's just messed up. it's so common, now, too. it's hatred of women is what it is. hatred of the female body.

thanks for your concern

i made cornish game hens and brown rice with carrots and celery and i used that thai green curry simmer sauce. it smells really good.
a bunch of girls are outside yell-singing the song from Mulan by Christina Aguilera. that was funny. now they have stopped.
i tried on some jeans that used to be baggy on me less than two years ago... before the pregnancy... argh. can't even get them buttoned. i can't even picture myself being that skinny.

to me there is only one answer. increase physical activity. depression makes that tuff. lack of medical insurance is a prob. too depressed to fill out apps and shit or even THINK about any kind of REAL thing like filling out forms or having to LOOK for a job to apply for or any kind of productive activity is just out of the question to me.

i didn't buy any wine at the store today.

frelling swell

i am up late again. haven't been reading my book. need to finish it. am close to the end. i drank a whole bottle of wine today but never felt drunk or even buzzed, i don't think. i was sipping it and it took like six hours or something. nothing compelling has been on television tonight. roseanne barr and heather mills on leno. too many effing commercials, man! they are so annoying. but anyway, so is heather mills, kinda. i guess especially cuz things didn't work out between her and paul, but what do i know about that? nothing.
anyway. fudge. i am gonna have to do something. i don't feel tired at all. stupid stupid not feeling tired. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

when i went to the store to buy a new bottle of wine for three dollars, crane lake petit shiraz... yeah baby. i only took change with me cuz other than that we had a C-note or a card and i hate using either of those for small purchases, don't you?
anyway, i felt like a total wino buying a bottle of wine right before the store closed with a bunch of nickels, dimes and quarters.
at least i am confident when counting out change from working in banking for seven years. yee frickin haw.

drink more deeply

from Perspectives on Imitation:

"Imitation, one of the primary forms of social learning, is often thought of as a low-level, relatively childish or even mindless phenomenon. This may be a serious mistake. It is beginning to look, in light of recent work in the cognitive sciences, as if imitation is a rare, perhaps even uniquely human ability, which may be fundamental to what is distinctive about human learning, intelligence, rationality, and culture. If so, this will have important consequences for our understanding of ourselves both individually and socially. In particular, social learning by imitation is not merely a mechanism by means of which children acquire culture, but may also have pervasive influence throughout adulthood, in ways that we are only just beginning to understand."

painting: elsie russel, gaia

i'll turn my back on you

i've been skinnier.
i've been in better shape.
i'm 33.
this is the first time i've ever been overweight.
i have a fat face.
i still have a right to try and look good and feel good about myself.

who's obsessed with whom?

my (and kathryn's) dad died of alcoholism about 5 yrs ago. need i say more?
well, i'm going to.
he was always about to die of alcoholism before that. like, we always knew that was gonna be how he would die. when it happened, it should have been expected but it wasn't. it ruined my life, but that's not the point right now.

i remember one time when he almost died, i found this book the way to love and i felt it was perfect for him and i gave it to him when he was in the hospital and he said it saved his life. that time, anyway.

so i was reading it just now and found some great stuff.

"the moment you choose to become like someone else however great or holy, you have prostituted your being. Think sadly of the divine spark of uniqueness that lies within you, buried under layers of fear. The fear that you will be ridiculed or rejected if you dare to be yourself and refuse to conform mechanically in the way you dress and act and think. See how you conform not only in your actions and thoughts but even in your reactions, your emotions, your attitudes, your values. You dare not break out of this prostitution and reclaim your original innocence of childhood.

"One final subtle way you destroy your innocence is when you compete and compare yourself with others. When you do that you exchange your simplicity for the ambition of wanting to be as good as someone else or even better. Think of this: The reason why the child is able to preserve its innocence and live like the rest of creation in the bliss of the kingdom is sthat it has not been sucked into what we call the world--that region of darkness inhabited by grown-ups whose lives are spent not in living but inn courting applause and admiration; not in blissfully being themselves but in neurotically comparing and competing, striving for those empty things called success and fame even if they can be attained only at the expense of defeating, humiliating, destroying their neighbors. If you allow yourself to really feel the pains of this hell on earth, the utter emptiness it brings, you might experience within you a revolt, a disgust so powerful that it will shatter the chains of dependence and deceit that have been forged around your soul and you will break loose into the kindom of innocence where mystics and children dwell"--anthony de mello, the way to love

stubborn donkey is what they called me

i am dressed like my grandma in my six dollar walmart outfit. it's an updated version, but it's basically the kind of thing my grandma wears. dark brown stretchy pants and a long plaid shirt. plus the mocassin slipper shoes. haha. i really am both my grandmas mixed together.

today i ate a linda mccartney frozen dinner with faux chicken bits in it. it wasn't very good, but i liked the faux chicken. it was like texturized soy protein.
my new pants are really comfortable and are flattering. i shoulda got the black pair, too.

originality

“What moves those of genius, what inspires their work is not new ideas, but their obsession with the idea that what has already been said is still not enough.” -- Eugene Delacroix (Greatest French Romantic painter, 1798-1863)

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter (American "hierarchiologist", Educator and Writer, 1919-1990)

"Originality is merely an illusion” --M.C. Escher

“Originality exists in every individual because each of us differs from the others. We are all primary numbers divisible only by ourselves.” --Jean Guitton

“Utter originality is, of course, out of the question” --Ezra Pound

have a salad

stop projecting your crap onto me

too many people say 'douche'. i remember a few years ago, when i lived in arcata, these artist peeps i hung out with would say "weak sauce" and "awesome sauce" and "by this i mean that" you know and what else.... but anyway, i thought they were making that stuff up themselves, like i thought it was their little inside lingo but then i realized that like ALL cool/social people under 30 were saying that stuff. like there was really nothing ORIGINAL about it. oh yeah. and being all about 'irony is awesome'
last night i was watching a STUPID sitcom, really, called how i met your mother and all the people on that show are SO stereotypical of what is supposedly "cool" (or whatever word you wanna use) right now. seriously? all the girls on that show remind me of raymi. do you think that show bases the lives of its characters on raymi's blog or what? allyson hannigan even looks like raymi, now. (actually, people always say i look like allyson hannigan.)

what it's really all about is that there isn't much originality out there or even possible anymore, is there? everyone is copying everyone else and that is what culture is all about. this has been argued in so many arenas.

anyway. yeah. no. i'm sorry. "eff you. i love you i hate you k bye"

guess i'll go eat worms

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern is funny to watch. scott says it's funny to watch because of all the noises of discomfort that i make. ew. ew. ew. this guy thinks everything is delicious and we have to watch him salivate and hear his mouth noises that is why they call him mr delicious the worlds most dangerous tastebuds. he always acts like he's having sex with the food. he says stuff like, "that's rockstar good!"

yesterday i ate some smoked oysters. today i ate some canned sardines.

if i am walking around in the dark and cannot see, i close my eyes.

me, too

now that the weather is quite a bit nicer than it was just a couple of weeks ago when everything was covered in snow plus it is staying lighter out later so lots of people are outside making noise right now at seven pm. our neighbors are standing out in their front yard drinking beer and chatting away. they sound like drunks.
yesterday, when i was walking to the store, our neighbor yells out to me from his front porch, "JESUS LOVES YOU" and i just looked at him and smiled because it was very unexpected and i didn't really know how to respond. he is not some bible thumper that i know of. what i do know is he is a drunk.

tick tock tick tock tick tock

it appears as though the baby is taking a nap thank god and now i am having a beer. we went to walmart and i got a shirt for three dollars and a pair of pants for three dollars. it's a sin. it is.

i am having salted lemon with my beer but even salted, the lemon tastes sweet.

i hear the clock ticking loudly. i hear the wind blowing and a truck driving by. i hear myself belching, which i just did right now. my feet are all tingly cuz i have them up on the coffee table while i sit on the sofa and that locks my knees into place and causes much discomfort and i really should not sit like this.

what do i have to prove?

look back

about three years ago

Is human existence entirely without meaning? I am not a nihilist. I can't figure out what meaning there is to anything, but I feel there must be some meaning. Belief.... is it really just wishful thinking? Do we pin our hopes on phantom dreams? Is there a point to even asking such questions? It's all too confusing. If nothing else, we are here for someone's entertainment.... if not our own, then one another's. If there's not a "God," well... then, what? It's too crazy. I mean, what's the point of even writing anything at all if there is no meaning to anything?

augusten burroughs

i hate jeans that fit perfectly when you put them on and then by an hour later they are falling off. that is what happens to me and i hate it. i don't want to wear a belt. stupid jeans.

the picture of augusten burroughs on the back of the copy of dry i am reading doesn't look like what i'd expect him to look like. i think it has a lot to do with the hat and the glasses.

i like this one better.

people who feel good about themselves do not take pleasure in demeaning others

i always think of the dalai lama when i think of a close to ideal human. he is my role model. not that i actually am much like him, but still. i sometimes, when i am able, try to think: what would the dalai lama do? would someone like him enjoy making someone else feel like crap? no. i want to be the kind of person who gets her energy from good things. i am not interested in making other people feel like crap.

scott was saying that i should try to incorporate my anthropology degree into doing an ethnography of blogging. hm. he thinks it would be awesome if i could get paid for all the time and energy i put into it. it is definitely a good arena in which to observe human social interaction of a new and developing sort. i could even come up with some sort of proposal for a graduate school study or whatever.

i remember when i was in jr. high, my best friend and i used to enjoy dressing alike and we would intentionally buy the same sandals and the same shirt and do our hair the same. it was fun. but then, when we got into high school, it started to piss us off. we both had these one sandals that used to get lots of compliments and we started to feel like "hey, I OWN the rights to these sandals, i am the one who deserves all the recognition for owning them." it was supremely silly and ridiculous. we started not liking eachother anymore. it became a competition. anyway, she ended up becoming a full-fledged mormon and i am.... what i am and we no longer share anything in common or talk.

one of the reasons i have often tended to shy away from getting too involved with 'friends' anymore is that 'friends' bring problems and drama into my life. as i've mentioned before, i don't need more than what i already have.

i am also old enough to realize that my real life is who i really am and my blog, including its readers, is just a source of entertainment. passers-by who develop strong opinions about me as a whole person based on one tiny facet of my activities are so totally irrelevant to me it's funny.

you can't make me

yesterday was my daughter's first birthday. we took her back to the town where we lived when she was born. there's this place there, in Eureka, that has a ton of awesome graffiti. it's behind the mall. there are abandoned railroad tracks and a large, decomposing cement structure covered with graffiti.


i was wearing my moccasin/slippers, which are actual suede but synthetic sheepskin lined. i got them a little bit wet but they weren't quite worn in enough for that yet. now they will probably get all gross and stinky. maybe if i just dry them out really well by the woodstove, they will be okay. oh yeah, and after that, we went walking on the beach in the sand and i got sand in my shoes.


as far as all the drama that has been going on in the comments of recent posts, i am sorry for the trouble i've caused. because i have been away from the internet for the past 24 hours, i wasn't present for the intensity of what went on. now, for me, i don't have really the desire or energy at this point to rehash it. i will say that um.... i have thought a lot about it all.

**oh yeah, and some of those comments were from another carrie. just wanted to make that clear.

"the tyranny we impose on others we impose on ourselves"

this morning i was watching Book TV on C-SPAN2 and there was this dude Chris Hedges who wrote a book called American Fascists about the Christian far-right. anyway he was really smart and i almost got chills at one of the things he said cuz it was just so true.

i just feel like typing ok?

ugh! i have insomnia again! i had decided to just go with it, throw caution to the wind and miss an entire nights sleep; but, i doubt that will happen. i started reading dry and it brought up memories of just today for me. there are things i do surrounding drinking wine. like today i noticed that there are a few empty bottles beginning to accumulate next to our trashcan. this means it's creeping back into my daily desires.

we haven't really gone grocery shopping this month just because we kept putting it off for one reason or another... when i walk down to the store here in town, i don't like to take a twenty with me because it makes it too tempting to buy wine, then. i try to take a very minimal amount of money to ensure that will not happen. i bargain with myself about it. i don't have an actively serious problem, but it is there lying dormant and it is a part of my personality. alcoholism, that is. anyway, this is a rambling post because i'm sleep-deprived and just restless. because yeah, i was irritable this evening. grouchy. get to feeling like people need to give me some SPACE man. not just physically but like, psychic space. i've felt that way before. i'm kind of a secretive person.
we all fool ourselves, right?

earlier there was somekindof bug crawling on my leg, i'm serious, i think it was a spider, but i can't see cuz it's dark and my eyes are all full of light from the moniter. i'm not really afraid of spiders, btw.

this weekend we are going to go visit scott's grandma. i will try to get some good reading done. but this means no internet to obsess over. i think it just gives me something to do and it distracts me most of the time from my anxiety. i always feel that i should be able to handle things, but the fact is that they do get to me. like i'll think, oh i don't need to have the internet... but actually, if i don't have it, i feel anxious... you see? and i will feel like i want something. something. so i have to distract myself. do crafts or sew things or take pictures or think of things i want to blog about etcetera.

this whole last year i have not had the amount of time alone that i prefer. the new baby makes that impossible and i had forgotten because other desires outweighed quiet fears when the choice was made. just like any relationship really, you are all optimistic in the beginning and then the sacrifices begin to pile up waiting to be offered. anyway... i REALLY like to have alone time and i think that um this staying up all night tonight thing is my inner whatever just inSISTING that i get this time to be me with nobody else looking. well, except you guys, i guess.

a thing that i have done pretty much forever is every night i like to go to bed and read and write and think and draw for hours in this sort of trance or something. but, with family life contemplation time can be drastically cut short, seen only as a frivolous luxury....