i just feel like typing ok?

ugh! i have insomnia again! i had decided to just go with it, throw caution to the wind and miss an entire nights sleep; but, i doubt that will happen. i started reading dry and it brought up memories of just today for me. there are things i do surrounding drinking wine. like today i noticed that there are a few empty bottles beginning to accumulate next to our trashcan. this means it's creeping back into my daily desires.

we haven't really gone grocery shopping this month just because we kept putting it off for one reason or another... when i walk down to the store here in town, i don't like to take a twenty with me because it makes it too tempting to buy wine, then. i try to take a very minimal amount of money to ensure that will not happen. i bargain with myself about it. i don't have an actively serious problem, but it is there lying dormant and it is a part of my personality. alcoholism, that is. anyway, this is a rambling post because i'm sleep-deprived and just restless. because yeah, i was irritable this evening. grouchy. get to feeling like people need to give me some SPACE man. not just physically but like, psychic space. i've felt that way before. i'm kind of a secretive person.
we all fool ourselves, right?

earlier there was somekindof bug crawling on my leg, i'm serious, i think it was a spider, but i can't see cuz it's dark and my eyes are all full of light from the moniter. i'm not really afraid of spiders, btw.

this weekend we are going to go visit scott's grandma. i will try to get some good reading done. but this means no internet to obsess over. i think it just gives me something to do and it distracts me most of the time from my anxiety. i always feel that i should be able to handle things, but the fact is that they do get to me. like i'll think, oh i don't need to have the internet... but actually, if i don't have it, i feel anxious... you see? and i will feel like i want something. something. so i have to distract myself. do crafts or sew things or take pictures or think of things i want to blog about etcetera.

this whole last year i have not had the amount of time alone that i prefer. the new baby makes that impossible and i had forgotten because other desires outweighed quiet fears when the choice was made. just like any relationship really, you are all optimistic in the beginning and then the sacrifices begin to pile up waiting to be offered. anyway... i REALLY like to have alone time and i think that um this staying up all night tonight thing is my inner whatever just inSISTING that i get this time to be me with nobody else looking. well, except you guys, i guess.

a thing that i have done pretty much forever is every night i like to go to bed and read and write and think and draw for hours in this sort of trance or something. but, with family life contemplation time can be drastically cut short, seen only as a frivolous luxury....