&&&&&

i want to make some bean/vegetable soup today.
i just woke up from an approximately two-hour nap.
i wanted to drink some coffee, but i don't feel quite well enough to really enjoy it.
when we went to the doctor, earlier, she was pretty much useless as i had expected.
she didn't really even have anything worthwhile to say about the itchy bumps i have on my skin. i will have to diagnose myself. doctors are incompetent.
i haven't really eaten enough food, today, either. i know that.
i think all i've had are some guacamole flavored tortilla chips dipped in plain yogurt.
oh i ate half a granola bar just now.
oh yeah, i had some ginger noodles earlier, too.
i forget about stuff.
but it feels like i'm starving to death.

i started the sketching in for my next painting.
i borrowed a book from my teacher called Art & Fear: Observations On the Perils (and Rewards) of ARTMAKING.
sounds good.

~*~*~*~

in my art class today the teacher had us look at those stupid things where there's a pattern and you have to unfocus your eyes so you can see the image in 3-D. ugh! i HATE those. i was able to see one and it was really cool for a second.
but mostly those things make me anxious and angry and frustrated because they are ultimately unsatisfying and you can only see the thing for a second before your eyes want to pop back in focus so you can 'see it better' and then it goes away and it doesn't ever really even look like the thing it's supposed to look like, anyways.

dear blog as therapist

on my blog i do not write nicely composed essays on the glories of west side sidewalk cafes, or whatever, well-written diatribes including quippy little double entendres and clever asides about diaper changing fiascos. that just isn't what i do. it is sort of impressive to read such blogs, really. i am amazed that people put that much thought and effort into their writing.

anyhow, MY morning consisted of trying to build a fire in our accursed woodburning stove which i hate with a passion because it smokes up the whole house and all of our clothes smell like we must be a family of chimneysweeps. i am sure we are all breathing in boatloads of carbon-monoxide and other horrible terrible disastrous consequences to our laissez faire attitude about taking care of responsibility.

whatever.

our daughter has had vomiting and diarrhea for two days (maybe 24 hrs, more like) and we should probably take her to the doctor today... although what is the doctor really going to do? except also? i have some sort of itchy bumps sprouting up all over my body and that is just NOT good. something is wrong there.

and THEN?

i have class at ten.

so there are my complaints... oh OH wait, i forgot something

i haven't done dishes for a couple of days now and the kitchen is a MESS!

so when i was trying to make coffee everything was in my way and things weren't going gracefully for me, which often seems to be the case, and which also pisses me off, and so there's THAT.

and then scott says to me, "today is gonna be a GOOD day"

he's trying to pull reverse psychology on me. no that's not right. he's definitely messing with my head, tho. no, he is just trying to start the day off with a positive attitude and i KNOW that is the right thing to do...

....but....but...but....

I AM MY ANGST!!!

if i wanted

here is teddy the cat.
we did not name him.
he was an outside cat at our old apartments
and then we took him with us when we moved cuz
he is very loving.
i went to my art class this evening and scott called
a half an hour later
because sophie is sick and
was screaming ever since i left.
i felt like going home anyway.
my teacher said it looked like my painting is almost done.
yeah, i can agree to that, but then again
what if it isn't even close to being done?
what if i have to work on it for a thousand years
before it will really be done?
don't underestimate me!
anyway, i worked on it for about a half an hour today.

give it a shot

here are my toes.
they are not very exciting.

but there you have them.
all this talk about toes.
well, i put my foot down!


i am drinking a glass of ice water.
something i don't do often enough, i know.

very rarely, in fact.
actually this picture
makes my foot look deformed.

drove my chevy to the levy

the french fries loom heavy and dark on the horizon. what holds me back?
i'm afraid of them.
they taunt me.

my words tie themselves in knots.

why is it that sometimes blogging is so unsatisfying?
what am i looking for?
INSPIRATION
always.

women are the stronger gender (some say)

i am not going to my art class this morning because i will be going this evening for 2-3 hrs...

we are almost out of coffee. THEN WHAT WILL I DO?!!
i am experiencing that time of the month. the first day is painful-ish and makes me want to stay in my pajamas all day and have people bring me chicken soup.
the cheese stands alone

what next?

i just painted half of my toenails a color called 'smokestack' that basically makes my toes look like i just hit them all with a hammer and my toenails are all going to fall off. HOT.
i have been haphazardly trying to lift 5lb weights to get some tone in my shoulder/armpit area. i did a little bit of yoga today. one thing i've notieced is that i tend to get interrupted a lot.

***

the shower is now up and running. i christened it just now. my first shower in our new house. well, we've lived here almost half a year, now; but, we finally have a shower.

i dropped my camera and spilled my coffee at the same time and i think i got coffee on the part of my camera that i need to plug into to download pics. my laptop won't recognize it.

sorry my blog isn't something different.

unwavering support

intervention, today, was about two different women... one was a power drinker and the other an anorexic. anorexia is like an obsession and a perfectionistic drive for control.

i've been trying to take fish oil every day.

i still need to do a lot of work on the curly fries in my painting. esp in the center area... they need to really SPRING to life right there and not just fade into the background.

scott put in the new shower today with a tub/shower conversion kit.
we can't use it yet, tho, so i haven't put the shower curtain up yet.
it should be ready to use by tomorrow as soon as we can get the part that we need from the hardware store.

what do i take for granted?

i have had a headache most of this day. it has to do with my spine and my neck. and sleeping on the sofa, which i do when i can't sleep sometimes. since i was a kid, i would go out on the couch when i couldn't sleep. sometimes.
i/m a person who likes time alone.
needs it, really.
but some would say it's more time with other people that i need.
true.
it's a paradox.
more alone time is what i crave.
time to make my own mischief.
MORE TIME

warning!!

i always loved this song. madonna dear jessie (4:30)


listening to music that makes me dance is the best way to get me exercising. duh. duh duh. As in: DUH!

i forget, tho.
about music.

at the risk of losing whatever shred of credibility i may have been hanging by up to this point, i am sharing a video of myself acting in a very embarrassing fashion. an action i am sure to regret at some point, if not immediately.
oh well.
i will allow the fool.
here is me dancing

here is the clue

Boldly striving to overcome the darkness both in this world and within yourself, you are righteously devoted to forging your own destiny.
It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.

the hamburger saga continues

i just have to keep on working on the painting. i will show my teacher on tuesday and see what she says. there's always more that can be done. more to be seen and recorded. but it will nevr really look like the actual hamburger. it is a new creation.

still working

don't be a dodo

i need a personal trainer.

we watched bob the butler last night. a family oriented romantic comedy starring tom green and brooke shields. i thought it was cute. tom green is just so weird.
in a funny way.

our stupid video store never has anything new and good. neither does our movie theater.

this is an outrage

well, i was FORCED to switch over to the new blogger.
did that happen to everyone?
whatever.
fine.

the cat is out of the bag

i look like a chipmunk in this picture. haha.
i boiled some eggs this morning.
i mix the yolks into yogurt for the beh-beh.
HEALTHY.
the cats ate their last can of wet food this morning...
now we are ALL out.

i took a bath today.
we don't have a shower.
well, we actually have the kit to convert our tub into a shower, but
it's not installed, yet.
scott is defragmenting my computer... it is taking frever.

the hamburger in progress

today i saw this woman feed her 9 month-old boy two big chewy bakery-style chocolate chip cookies.
i was astonished, because we don't give our 10 month-old anything like that.
i feel like we are better parents than that lady was.
but i'm not perfect... so nevermind, but still...

**there was more news about that boy who died due to 'self-inflicted injury' is what it's being called. i feel like i shouldn't tell what he did. it's too abrupt.
too personal a situation, i guess, to be blogging about it flippantly.

you people

i feel all bummed out today and i think it is because i let stupid things get to me. i will take something someone says and turn it into a personal insult when maybe it wasn't. like, my teacher said there would be a girl coming by today and she is young and beautiful and i thought to myself, "oh, so i guess that makes ME an old hag??" haha. and then i also felt like my teacher doesn't listen to me when she asks me questions. i wonder if it's just that she has too many things on her mind or if i just talk in a boring way?
i often feel like people don't recognize how amazing and wonderful i am.
but then i think that must either be because i am overestimating my amazingness OR because i underestimate myself and people pick up on this insecurity vibe? like marcel on top chef. i am like him, i think.

decisive, uncompromising... and rude!

i had to re-do my sketch because it was all out of porportion. UN-accEPtable!

we are cheating by working off of a picture, which is easier than working from life. i folded the picture i'm working from into quarters and that opened up a whole new world for me.

at the high school, i was not able to do a color printout of a pic i have stored in photobucket because that site is restricted due to adult content. nobody at the school had the override. the town library's color printer doesn't work, our printer at home is out of ink so my teacher drove me to scott's parents (she knows them cuz they're all teachers) to use their printer.

class notes

it's weird to be at a high school cuz kids act funny cuz they aren't adults yet and so they have fewer adult inhibitions or aren't expected to conform to adult norms of behavior. i took note of two people in the class. this one guy was wearing a t-shirt that said, "i have the nuts" and this one cute stylish blonde with a shaggy perm (or natural? i dunno) and a princess bride t-shirt and a lip ring. at first i thought her lip ring was a big mole or a cold sore. haha. another girl had a lip ring too. and one girl had hair that was dyed fire engine red or fuschia.

i sketched out my hamburger painting.

i've been working on a latch-hook rug of a horse for over a year. actually, not working would be a more accurate term. anyway, i did ONE row on it the other night and it took me like an hour, seriously. you have to like read some sort symbol code to figure out what color yarn to use and the rows are really long and intricate. i'm half-way done with it.

stand up and show us your funny face

i want my first painting in my art class to be a big ol' hamburger with curly fries that i took a foto of on new year's eave. (i know: sp.)
but i feel uncertain that i can justify this if she says to me something critical about my subject matter. so i was thinking of what hamburgers mean to me and why would i want to paint one and what would i do with the painting once it is finished?

or i could be boring and paint these sunflowers.

i don't like it when people are always in my business. i need my PRIVACY man!

whispered conversations

now i have to figure out what i am going to paint. i'm supposed to pick one of my photos that i like a lot and use it to come up with a composition, making four quick sketches to come up with the most impactful composition. also, think about the colors i want to use. maybe do a collage of colors i like using magazines or whatever. then get to work on starting the painting.
i left class early today because i felt pressured like, i have to think-- i don't know yet what i want to paint. so i have class at ten tomorrow and should be ready to start painting. i think i'll bring my portable easel tomorrow. the eve. class is one night a week for 3 hours.

i keep eavesdropping on people's conversations about the boy. i walked home from class and the streets were cold and dark. i walked by the elementary school and the abandoned church across the street. there's some sort of groundskeeper who has a shack out there behind that church. he's intriguing in a freaky sort of way. there was a light on and i could see inside his window. odd things hanging from the ceiling?

i'm sure i'll go

my art teacher gave me four or five blank cavases. i can also go to class this evening since today wasn't really much of a class. it was more like an interview. we are supposed to come up with pictures of ten things we'd like to paint. there will actually be people there tonight.

**the boy's death is being called a suicide. supposedly, as i overheard at the video store, he left a note in his desk. this is said to be the 3rd suicide in this town in the past 30 years.

a horse with no name

the first day of my art class was interesting, to say the least. nothing at all what i'd expected.
i walked to the high school, walked into the art room and all the chairs were on top of the tables, the kids are taking midterms, so their schedule is different today.

i like to be early, but i was a little later than i'd've liked today--essenitally the first day of class for me.
the teacher is a cool, older art teacher lady who went to berkeley for her two art degrees. she teaches elementary, high school and college art. she greeted me and asked if i knew about the town news today.
an event.
a 10 yr-old boy (in this very small town) died last night from accidental hanging? it's still being investigated.
the news ripples through the town like a single drop of water radiates through a still small pond. there are grief groups.
she drives me to the elementary school, in her classroom a few kids come to ask for markers. they are making a poster for the boy. they bring in a photocopy of an 8x10 portrait of the kid. a boy, red-rimmed eyes from crying, says his name.
my teacher remains composed, seeming only a little flighty and intense. a caring woman. the black and white image of a young boy brings tears to my eyes, the thought of it, imagine if he were my son.

so this was my first day of art.

look at courtney love

courtney love looks good, actually. she is old. actually wait... is she only 43? i thought she was older.

anyway, i have my art class at 10. so i have to take a bath and figure out what i am going to wear. scary.

the oscar nods are out. cool.

i think i fear them, too

even tho i make sock monkeys, i can still understand why someone would fear them. they are a force to be reckoned with. little did i know that when i made my first sock monkey, i would be compelled to continue making sock monkeys like i was on some sort of evil mission to populate the world with as many sock monkeys as possible. i'm not even sure if i like them. i like sock monsters tho. i need to try and make one of those... if the sock monkeys will allow it, that is.

fear of sock monkeys?

i'm sorry

omg my super ex-girlfriend is SO EMPOWERING TO WOMEN! omg!
it's silly, really. but i had fun watching it.
that movie is about ME!
it's like they based it directly on my life.
it's a good thing i DONt have superpowers.

**the above-pictured pizza is called cabin fever and it has mega garlic sauce and avocados

why me?

you don't know what you're missing

i got my cool, emo, caramel colored velour jacket at the frift store for FREE.
it fits me perfectly and matches me perfectly... since my favorite color to wear is BROWN. no not really, but i do wear a lot of brown, i find. i am attracted to earth tones.

before i ever had a computer, i used to sit in a little corner cove in my dining room with lots of plants and books and stationery and i would read and write in journals and write letters to people.

more about my FEELINGS

when stuff doesn’t WORK/function the way it is supposed to i start to get very anxious. i get mad. i start acting childish, i suppose. banging things around. whining excessively. being ridiculous in general.

so this morning i was trying to SHUT the woodstove doors and they weren’t SHUTTING right.
i got pissed.
scott was standing right behind me but does he offer to HELP?
not until i finally get the doors SHUT and walk away-- THEN he walks directly up to the stove doors and opens and closes them with smug, arrogant, pretentious, self-satisfied ease and i fly off the handle. i felt like he should have offered to help me sooner and the way he went about “showing me how to do it” was offensive.
whatever.
that’s my morning drama.

HOW ARE YOU today? all three of you who read my blog. okay maybe six.

almost paradise

i am trying to make an orange sock monkey sewn with orange thread, but i cut the arms too short so i have to think of a way to improvise with that. i lost my oomph, tho, when i started to fix the arms and sewed them wrong-side-out. then i just decided to do it later.

in case you were under a different impression: i am shy. timid. reserved.
i am also paranoid and overly sensitive. today scott's mom said two things that i totally took personally and/or was completely incorrect about. one thing she said was: "if you could read my mind you wouldn't be here" and i was like, "is she talking to me? what the...?" and the other thing was i thought she was asking if it is okay to feed the baby broccoli and celery. scott talked to her later and found out that the mind-reading remark was something she was reading off of a foster kids' t-shirt she'd just washed. annd she was just asking if we wanted the veggies.
i'm glad those were cleared up. there's a lot of miscommunication between us. or just between everyone.

sunday blogging

we watched the night listener last night. toni collete is weird but interesting. i'd like to see her in more villain roles. she's got crazy down.
robin williams is weird.
the movie is boring, mostly.
i cleaned a lot today.
it is fun sometimes.
i've been listening to more music today... that is cool.

people don't get me.

you think you're so pretty

this is one of my most popular vids on youboob. cemetery (1:16)



matt nathanson "Laid" he's got personality. cute. funny. (4:28)

toastland

i like toast
once there was a little girl
who ate a lot of toast
she decided that she wanted to marry toast
but how could she stay married
if she ate the toast?
so she went to the toastmaster
analina: hahahahaa
carrie: he was the ruler of all the land
and his son
was the PRINCE
of toasttown
the toastmaster said to the girl
my wife is a toaster
so if you eat the prince
she will just pop out some more toast
and you shall have princes
to your hearts content
this was the perfect arrangement for the girl
since she was but a wee lass on her granmas knee
she had been collecting butter knives
she couldn't wait
for her wedding night
so she could put those butter knives to use.
she imagined slathering her prince
with butter
her butter knife
sliding back and forth
upon the crispy
crunchy
toast

but seriously

i have a compulsion to buy exercise videos at thrift stores for one dollar. i have quite the collection. and i know that i haven't even used most of the ones i already have so why do i keep buying more? as i was walking home, i found myself imagining that some day when i am for some reason unable to go outside and have no cable access then THAT is the day when i will start using all these handy workout videos i've collected. and everyone will be jealous of me and be all, "now that's usin' yer noodle!" haha.

why bother?

that is the painting i did of my boyfriend's cat, in case you didn't know.
the only reason i am taking an art class is to encourage me to paint and to encourage myself to interact with other people.
i am already an artist.

i hate how i get up the nerve to do something that involves me interacting with other people and it is really hard for me to get up the nerve because i have a lot of social anxiety, amongst other kinds of anxiety, and then i put myself out there and people shoot me down or show no interest in getting to know me.

am i that abhorrent? it seems like i've never been one of those people that people are interested in. it makes me sad and it makes me want to give up and just be a hermit.

i like to spy on people

my butt hurts from sitting down too much today.
jessica simpsonn annoys me. it's her mouth-- it's all smirky and ... i dunno. we are watching employee of the month. it's silly. some parts are funny. especially the grandma! she give some GOOD dating advice, man. this movie is only worth watching if you feel left out not knowing how lame it is firsthand.

the blogosphere has been disappointing today. i find that hard to accept.