bee in my bonnet

a lot of times conventional politeness grates on my nerves and i find myself wishing people would conserve their words more often. i know it is rude of me, but since i am visiting my family, i've noticed that every single morning they say did you sleep good? and how did you sleep? to eachother. every time, i feel a tinge of annoyance, but i try to let it go and just say yes, i slept good ('well'-- whatev). how about you? i just figure that if a person has something to say about how they slept-- he/she will let you know. if you ask, though, they feel compelled to answer you even if they don't really even know how they slept. i know, it's petty of me. i also get tired of having to say "bless you" every time everyone sneezes. i just think of it as unnecessary vocalization. i'm weird, though. and a grouch. i also used to hate it when i worked at the bank and tellers were like robots who said the same exact thing to each and every customer! it drove me batty. but what doesn't? i need to meditate.

nothin' but faith in nothin'

tick-tock oh the clock is painful, all sane and logical... i wanna tear it off the wall! i would swallow my pride i would choke on the rinds but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. i would swallow my doubt turn it inside out find nothin' but faith in nothin' wanna put my tender heart in a blender watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion --eve6

this weird hairpiece thing at the dollar store totally matches my hair. maybe i should buy it.

all the world's a stage

" All the world's a stage and all its men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts". -- As You Like It

the most frequently recurring setting for my dreams is some sort of amphitheatre or theatre/stadium. the people in the dreams and the action vary but the setting is significantly frequent. i find it interesting. "...a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. -- Macbeth"

ain't it grand?

today was long. amtrak. this one little child kept saying "jump to the jump" over and over until i thought surely that if i am not already insane, that was going to do it! his mom was completely oblivious to it. she never even said "shhh" one single time. i'm not saying she's a bad mother. i just don't understand it.

too wrong or too right

we were going to go bowling but it was way too crowded. must be league night or something. i needs my personal space, yo. today, hardly anyone came to class. guess they wanted to get a head start on the weekend. i prefer class to weekends. it's the only place i can hear a worthwhile conversation. today we talked about Locke, Hobbes, Plato's Rebublic, Gandhi, M.L. King, and Malcolm X. also, negative rights and positive rights and is violence ever justified?

one thing i noticed was that women smile when they speak way more often than men. it annoys me. reminds me of how women are from birth valued for smiling and looking pretty. now, we can't even have a philosophical discussion without a totally inappropriate smile on our faces. rarely do i see men do this.

march of the penguins

it's amazing how much emperor penguins go through to make babies. truly amazing. have you ever heard anyone say that you can tell a movie is good when you forget that you're in a theatre? well, right when i was really starting to become immersed in the movie a woman with two children (who both had to be under the age of five) sat down directly behind us. one of the children kept kicking the back of scott's chair. after turning around and giving the appropriate glaring looks to the mother, he finally made a comment. the woman said that he could just ask the girl to stop and she would stop. do i have to point out the flaw in her line of reasoning? is it someone else's job to parent her child? if i noticed my son kicking the back of someone's seat, i would immediately tell him to stop. if he kept asking me questions, you would hear me shushing him. she did neither of these things. in addition, each time Morgan Freeman used a word the child didn't understand she would say, "what's that mean?" this happened enough to break my concentration with annoying regularity. March of the Penguins is not a children's movie. at least not until it comes out on dvd and the mother can rent it or buy it for her kids so they can watch it at home instead of ruining other peoples' viewing experience.

petting zoo

the goats wondered why i was wearing perfectly good hay on my head... but they'll take a good meal where they can get it.

window to the soul

it's almost impossumbull for me to go to sleep without reading. definitely not preferable. i think it is probably a little bit unusual that i like to read very deep, difficult to comprehend-type stuff before i go to bed; and, i do this in order to stop thinking about all the daily goings on so i can sleep medicine. it is the way i like to unwind. it is sometimes unpleasant for the one who shares my bed. so, i read in the other room until i start to nod off. then, i go to bed.

you can learn a lot of things from the flowers

we went to the zoo today, but it was closed. they are closed on mondays for upkeep. but they had a lovely garden with a gazebo and a wishing well and so i took a bunch of very lovely photos. you can see them by either scrolling down and looking at the thumbnails on my sidebar or by clicking on this beautiful goose. p.s. i just made enough spaghetti sauce to feed a family of twelve.

it's just a blog

what is that supposed to mean, "it's just a blog" ? seems to me that when someone says that, they are trying to minimize the importance of a blog and say that people shouldn't take it so seriously. the problem with that line of reasoning is that you could say that about anything. it's just your life. it's just how you spend a great deal of your life, obviously. so are you saying that it's all a waste of time? that it's meaningless to you? then why not just give it up? that's like saying, "it's just a gun." a blog is like a gun. it's not what it is, it's how you use it. there's a person behind each and every blog (unless it's totally computer generated, i guess) and if people read your blog then it's more than just a blog. it is a medium of communication. it's just t.v. it's just radio. it's just a book. just a flag..... also, the whole idea of "if you don't like it don't read it, don't watch it, don't look at it." that's like saying, "Live in denial. Then you'll be happy! Just ignore everything you don't like." no.

heat of the moment

i like south park. those guys know no bounds when it comes to offending people. but, it's still funny. helps me to lighten up a little. (yes, i know, i need it) i am not a feminist. i don't even really know what a feminist is. everyone who reads this probably has a different idea or definition of what a feminist is. that one time, when i said, "it's the feminist in me" what i meant by that was maybe. i think i read the feminist mystique when i was 20. i thought it was very old-fashioned. if people talk crap about women, i don't get all huffy. i don't put my hands on my hips and say, "what did you say?" i just ignore them. they're looking for a reaction. i don't give it to them. i do, however, have an interest in feminism. i am curious to learn more about it. just like i'm curious to learn more about a lot of things. and i am fragmented. not proud of it. just an observation. i have a feminist in me, just like i have a marxist in me and a christian in me and a geologist in me... a misogynist, a misanthropist AND an anthropologist..., etc. that sounds kinda kinky! but, no... i've been watching too much South Park. anyway, it's getting kinda crowded in here.... could someone move over, please?

deconstruct this

1) biggest fear?	never being able to overcome my emotions
2) biggest goal?	finding inner peace
3) most overused phrase?	that makes me angry
4) best physical feature?	eyes
5) favorite band?	r.e.m and nirvana
6) favorite movie?	jesus christ superstar
7) favorite artist?	maxfield parrish
8) favorite color?	olive green
9) favorite time of day?	morning
10) favorite thing to do?	sing
11) favorite thing to hate?	dumb people
12) if yo had to be someone else who would you be?	socrates
13) if you could live anywhere where would it be?	in a national park
14) how do you want to die?	quickly
15) what do you want to do with your life?	learn
16) best personality trait	creativity
17) worst personality trait	drama queen
18) smoke?	no
19) drink?	no
20) drugs?	no
21) piercings?	just once in each ear
22) tattoos?	one
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

nothin' up my sleeve . . . presto!

i had no idea how impactful my blog could be. i did not realize that my opinions were so heavily influential. i usually just randomly post whatever comes to my mind that feels post-worthy in some way. i never expected very many people would be reading it; nor, did i expect that they would be so profoundly effected by what i had to say. i am amazed at how much projection is going on and at how much people will read into what i am saying. it seems like some folks spend a lot of time analyzing my every utterance as though there was truly some deep meaning behind each opinion i spew out-- to be honest i sometimes put very little thought into my posts. i am a little bit lazy and unambitious. i generally don't spend hours thinking about what i am going to write. i don't save drafts, contemplating my posts to make sure they are worded correctly so as to be unoffensive to anyone who might read them. many people have suggested to me that if i don't like what someone has to say on his/her blog that i ought to just move along on my merry way and forget all about it as though i'd never even read it at all. however, these same individuals don't take their own advice. honestly, i'm confused. also, a lot of people seem to want to advise me on what i should be writing, reading and even what i should be enjoying-- and they are quite aggressive about it. i really had no idea that any of this was going to transpire the way it did. i really did not think that i was attacking any particular individual. it was never my intention to misrepresent anyone or play myself off as a martyr of some sort. i think the idea that i could be a martyr over getting (in my honest opinion) unjustifiably suspended from a website is a gross exaggeration. i really do feel like a scapegoat.

The Way to Love

"How easily we are taken in by the judgments of other people and then form an opinion of ourselves based on this judgment. In order to be truly liberated you need to listen to the so-called good and bad things that they tell you, but to feel no emotion at the feedback any more than a computer does when data is fed into it. Because what they say about you reveals more about them than about you. . . . become more like the birds and flowers that are so totally unself-conscious, too busy with the task of living to care one little bit about what others think of them, about whether they are special to others or not. And at last, you will have become fearless and free." --The Way to Love, Anthony De Mello

a long time ago, i ran across this book and i gave it to my dad. from then on, he would always say, whenever i was upset or bothered by something... "read the Way to Love, it's all in there." so i picked it up today, and by gum... he was right. it's funny that i gave it to him, when i was the one who really needed it.

open letter to attackers

i have banned people from commenting on my blog who have demonstrated that they do not have my best interests in mind. although they somehow believe that they are trying to set me straight or help me think more clearly... all i can say to that is thanks, but no thanks. if you have something to say about me-- go say it on your own blog. i'm done listening. you have never read my blog or commented before, so why should i really care what your opinions of me are?

if you don't like my opinions, that's fine, but that gives you no right to attack me. you may think that i am way off base, crazy or just plain wrong. that's all well and good. but i am not interested in hearing any more of your opinions. i am not going to give you space on my blog to bash me. if you ladies have nothing better to talk about besides me and my opinions... it just goes to show who the losers really are. you women are all friends with eachother. i don't know you. i am not going to allow you to gang up on me here on my turf. sorry! but you know, thanks for your concern and all. it's obvious that you all sincerely feel that i need to adjust my thinking. unfortunately, you're going about it the wrong way. you only make yourselves look bad. very few of you have taken the time to get to know anything about me other than the fact that i was displeased with the mommy-blog/b*tch- dominated traffic exchange site. the reason you are all so defensive is that i must have struck a nerve. interestingly enough the only people who are flaming on me are women. you ladies feel threatened. that's why you're so eager to 'put me in my place'. you feel uncomfortable with a woman who sees things differently than you do.

blog traffic exchange

i just joined blog clicker and so far it seems to be a vast improvement on blog exchange. as in: the blogs are not all the same people i saw at blog explosion. the blogs seem to be of a generally higher quality. i'm glad, because i enjoy using blog traffic exchanges.

love isn't always nice

love vs. "trying to be nice"

class was cancelled

today my class was cancelled, so i went to the library and got some books to read for fun. Derrida for Beginners On Derrida The Prayers and Tears of Jacques Derrida God, Death and Time

BE suspension transcript! let the truth be known.

buddhadharma(that's me): i think i'm going to boycott BOTB until BE makes it more fair toomuch: DinerDar cheats omfomfomfomgg!!! buddhadharma: evrybuddy cheets rachel: So Buddhadharma.. how exactly is it not fair. dinerdar: yes, i cheat by sacrificing a lamb before every battle. buddhadharma: it's clique-y and the strong pick on the weak butterflynjesus: how can you cheat? rachel: Don't be a sore loser bbdawg111: i cheat too by trying to exchange sex for credits. nobody seems to want sex from me though. this is why i can't win rachel: That is LIFE.. not cheating. Get over it. buddhadharma: ah, shaddup. i can not get over it if i don't want to buddhadharma: you get over my not getting over it rachel: Well you don't but I can suspend your account for starting trouble in the shoutbox. buddhadharma: who cares. i hate BE anyway. you're just friends with all the mommy bloggers. rachel: Well if that's the case I'll go ahead and have the account looked at. Have a great day dinerdar: i also cheat by putting a curse on you so that you are forced to vote for me. little something i learned from the harry potter books. Muahaha bbdawg111: once again, you can complain about BE on the SB about Botb, but PLEASE mind your P's and Q's. we don't want you to go MIA on us. right OCB? are you all down with OPP? buddhadharma: that rachel is lovely. so i guess a person can't think the battles are unfair, eh? occasionalbtch: id watch what ya say about Rachel buddha..just sayin' rachel: Thinking something is unfair and being a sore loser and saying that you 'hate BE' ON the BE shoutbox are two different things buddhadharma: i didn't even lose. so how am i a sore loser buddhadharma: i seriously don't care if you suspend me. go for it. oneladymedic: aw rachel, dont worry about it, she just hates mommy blogs and like to rant sometimes about the "unfairness" of it all GrandPoo: can't we all just get along? buddhadharma: it isn't fair. i know that for a fact. whoop-de-flippin do. all i said was that i am not going to battle anymore. butterflynjesus: there's worse things then mommy blogs..trust me.. lol buddhadharma: but it's okay to talk about sex and running around naked all the time. Kirkkitsch: But this is the 4th time you've said it. It's losing its' magic. buddhadharma: i have enough readers as it is. you can't suspend me cuz i quit. bye. dinerdar: *sings 'The Thrill is Gone'* rachel: this profile does not exist occasionalbtch: i just saw that rachel lolol bbdawg111: what profile does not exist? is this some type of secret agent thing? occasionalbtch: it sucks she lives where I grew up, the place is sad enough as it is lol rachel: I have no idea what you're talking about GreekGoddess: I'm a mommy and this is my plot :P oneladymedic: ooooohhh evil mommy plots... I'm takng over the world starting with be! bbdawg111: you mean just by saying 'i quit' means you're gone? do you know how many times i told my parents that 'i wish i was dead', but i didn't mean, like, to be DEAD dead, you know? dinerdar: so is suspension like, freeing up their surfing? rachel: no suspension DinerDar... deactivated. GrandPoo: but why ban someone for divergent views? Please don't ban me. GreekGoddess: it wasnt just different views.. whenever she was on here.. drama was with her as well.. rachel: and by the way I'm partial to chicks with Tech blogs and mommy blogs with attitudes not 'oh look how cute my baby is when it pukes' blogs i have removed items that were not relevant to my being deactivated. for the entire conversation go here.

bad blog

http://fifthnail.blogspot.com/ apparently this is the blog of a pedophile why would i publish this? people need to be aware that this stuff is real. it's really out there. it's a real threat. why risk it?

love her and she'll bring you luck

from 1995-2002 i worked in banking. when i first started, i thought it was fantastic. soon, however, i realized that a teller's job is actually a retail position. a sales position. i just wanted to count money. i loved to count money. i was good at it. i was good at performing the functions of a teller in every way, except for selling. in early 2002, i lost my father to alcoholism and my whole life completely changed. i could no longer tolerate selling my soul just to pay the bills. i would rather be homeless. i just could not do it, anymore. i couldn't put up with all the crap. what was the benefit? the only entity that benefited was corporate Amerikuh. i thought to myself, seven years of my life down the drain and what do i have to show for it? at least if i spent that length of time in college, i'd have something substantial to show for it. i could say, "look: see? this is what i did" but after seven years of banking-- it's like i may as well have done nothing at all. sure, i learned a few things about corporate life. i worked with some great people (and some not-so-great). but, in the end, it's a thankless job. so, now, i'm in school. i'll have my degree in December. i'll be an anthropologist. and the government paid me to do it. that tops all.

Luke 14:25-33

And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said unto them, If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace. So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.

Susan B. Anthony

"The fact is, women are in chains, and their servitude is all the more debasing because they do not realize it." "The rank and file are not philosophers, they are not educated to think for themselves, but simply to accept, unquestioned, whatever comes." "Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform. Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathy with despised and persecuted ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences." "I can't say that the college-bred woman is the most contented woman. The broader her mind the more she understands the unequal conditions between men and women, the more she chafes under a government that tolerates it." "I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows."

ha ha!

i got suspended from blog explosion because i said that it is clique-y and the battles are unfair. actually, i am glad, cuz i was really getting tired of blog explosion anyway. they can kiss my white patootey! you are not allowed to express your opinion about blog explosion unless it is positive. just like you can't talk crap about mommy blogs or they will delete your comments. really.... i'm sure i can find better use of my time, in any case.

every day is a winding road

i have had a fascination with all things India for as long as i can remember. often i've imagined that i must have lived there in a past life or something. i find the images, smells and people to be so comforting. last night we went to Cuisine of India and had nan, biryani, kebab and lassi. yum yum yum. the lamb was kinda dry tho. i figure it was probably left over from the lunch buffet or something. i mean, i'd imagine it would be pretty hard to make lamb taste dry! there's so much fat in it! you know, the preview-post feature in blogger is full of shyte! my posts never look anything like the preview says they are going to look and i always have to redo them a million times before they will look the way i want them to look. how lame is that?

on ocean waves i'd swim away

Today, at school, i got a free book. it is called Possibilities for Over One Hundredfold More Spiritual Information. how's that for a title? i have always felt like books find me. like i am guided to read specific books. usually this seems very true because the books i happen to read often quite randomly have something in them addressing a thought that had been floating about in my mind right before i read the book. it's cold here. xo, chilly willy.

ugh

1. Tolerate::hate
2. Release::catch
3. My soul::listless
4. Sax;::ophone
5. HP:: headquarters
6. Worth::less
7. Rockstar::energy
8. Terrify::frighten
9. Knock me off my feet::yeah,right
10. Taunt::tease

and another thing....

i don't like those graphic-designer pre-fab templates that people buy thinking it is somehow going to compensate for a lack of quality in their blog. sorry!!!! that's cheating! hey, ever heard of a rant?

johnny be good

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a delightful affirmation of my blog!!!! parents today, in the name of good parenting, are destroying their very own children! The movie was pure celluloid confection-perfection.

very good movie alert

The Jacket i thoroughly enjoyed it.

camping is fun

i'm feeling grouchy. is that okay with you? am i allowed to feel grouchy? can i express my feelings? do i have to do it in a certain way? it seems like my blog has become a center of hostile and petty criticism. it comes from me and it comes at me. anyway, this weekend's camping trip was an adventure, to be sure. the first night was spent on an area of the Lost Coast. the wind whipped-up the sand, which stung my legs while i walked on the beach. it howled in my ears and blew my hair into my eyes and mouth. i covered my head with a hood and took pictures of the seagulls and the waves. the noise of the tentflaps crackling in the wind kept me half awake half of the night. the flames of the fire danced frenetically providing engaging entertainment but little warmth. the next campsite was hotter than a hoochie's whatchee. (my grandma always says that) shade was the only livable spot. that or the water, which really wasn't too cold. the river's soul-soothing sound slowly silenced the ways of the world from my weary mind. enabling me to effortlessly catch up on all the reading for my philosophy class. only two things bothered me. most of the other people camping were very inconsiderate or had poor camping etiquette. one 40-ish woman was lying naked on a rock in the middle of the river not 100 feet down from where a family of children were preparing to play in the water. later, while watching the fire beneath the sweet mask of the night sky, a drunken man walks intentionally and directly into our campsite and takes a seat at our picnic table to enjoy the fire with us. he asked how we were and i said, "well, this is the first time we've camped here and i like the location, but there are too many people for my taste." he said he comes here for the people, but he could see that we come to get away from people and he told me he respected my honesty, shook my hand, and went on to the next campsite. later, i thought, it was nothing against him. it was just impolite for him to be so invasive.

i hate to admit it

the truth is: i like chick flicks! must be the estrogen in me. i just finished watching... (i don't feel like capitalizing because i am lazy, okay? and it is too formal. i want to stay informal) anyway, i watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. let me explain. see, i didn't think i was ever going to watch that movie. i had just let it come and go without ever even really taking notice and had never given it a second thought until... i picked up the most recent issue of In Style (my favorite girly magazine) and read the article about Kate Hudson. Suddenly, I love her! I think it is because she said this about her parents:

"...they managed to love their children madly and show them the world, without making them the center of that world. She says she can only hope she does as well."

whatever, you might say.... she's a celebrity... she has a nanny... she doesn't care about her kids... she goes off to make movies and leaves her baby with some stranger! whatever. i admire her. so, i decided to pick up How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and laughed and cried and my hormones were satisfied, i guess. i thought you should know.

summertime and the living is easy

i am of the opinion that a person ought not to use his/her children for personal gain. i believe that having a public blog about your child is a dangerous mistake. now, if you are a mother and have a blog and occasionally post a picture of your child or make mention of him/her-- that is not the same thing. children should be important to you, but how much you advertise that in public does not prove that you love your child. it proves that you seek personal gain and are using your child to get attention. i expressed in my comments somewhere that if a mother is interested in keeping a journal of her child's life, she would do well to make it a private "blog" (if it must be a blog at all) and give the address only to friends and family. if you disagree, that is your prerogative; but, the fact that i do not agree with "mommy blogs" does not make me a bad mother at all. it simply means that my son's life is private and he can choose to make it public if he wants to, when he is old enough to make that choice. if you used to read my blog all the time and now you don't because you disagree with my opinion, it's no skin off my nose. i am a philosophical, intellectual, analytical person. i am not just some dimwit spouting off random opinions. i think deeply on a daily basis about life, humanity, culture, art and the universe. my intention is to use my blog as a place to sort out my ideas about life and i will continue to do so whether my readers agree with me or not. if you are interested in having intelligent discussions or offering insight or humor-- that is great. if you are reactionary and easily offended then maybe you should go to a blog that is less likely to rile you up! thank you and good day!

I love mommy blogs!

I love how they show pictures of poopy diapers and baby food. I love all the glittery, flashy icons with angels and flowers and sunshine. I love to see pictures of kids I don't know and never will. I love it when grown women decorate their blogs with winnie the pooh. I don't know what I was thinking before, but I want to thank all you mommy bloggers for gently helping me to understand the value and importance of your blogs and how your blogs are completely neutral and benevolent. I love how on mommy blogs everyone only leaves compliments in the comments section. Mommy blogs have now become my favorite kind of blog to read! If you have a mommy blog, please send me the link because I can't wait to read all about YOUR children, too! I can't get enough of it! I read Parents Magazine all day and I hang out at Gymboree with other mommies who like to talk about Slim Fast and Wet Wipes. What could be more joyful than that? Really, I must have been possessed by the devil before to have ever said that mommy blogs were uninteresting in general! That is obviously not the case. These women are insightful, kind and generous contributors to Capitalism and Patriarchy. Without them, where would we be? Thank you for showing me the error of my ways. NOT>! and if you are mad at me, now: bring it on mama! I've never had so many visitors in my life. Mommy blogs are the BEST!

thirsty?

LOVE AND THE EGO "The mantra of the ego is, “Its all about me.” The footprint of the ego is “My way is the only way.” The ego, by nature, will adopt any belief as an identity. Then it is fearful when faced with other beliefs. It feels threatened. There is no love in the ego and the path to God is love - not a belief. The ego must always imagine that it is the center of the universe. Thus, “My way is the only way” comes into being and, by extension, everything with which the ego is associated. An ego-centered Christian says “Jesus is the only way” and an ego-centered Muslim says, “Islam is the only way.” The translation of both statements is, “My way or the highway.” The ego is the opposite of love. The ego is me... me... me... and love is you... you... you... The ego is motivated by, “What’s in it for me?” Love asks, “How may I serve you?” The ego is Satan in us. Love is God in us. The ego is the sense of separation from God and others. Love is a feeling of unity with God and others. The ego is “I” and “mine.” Love does not seek to possess but only to give. Where there is ego there can be no love and where there is selfless love, there can be no ego. Think of any negative emotion - jealousy, hatred, greed, anger - all of them are the fruit of the ego whose roots are “I” and “mine.” Therefore, love is the most potent destroyer of the ego. Jesus says loving our neighbor and loving God are the keys to salvation. Innocence is the fertile soil in which love takes root. That brings us to these questions: “Do I love God with all my heart and mind? Do I love my neighbor as my own self?” - as Jesus commanded? If the answer is no, then we are not going to heaven. If no, then we must begin the quest for this love to which Jesus directs us. . . Sadly, we don’t recognize love or the need for it because we ourselves have no love. We have long since forgotten what pure selfless love is or what it feels like. " excerpt from Jesus, Buddha & Krishna are one!

it was always burnin' since the world's been turnin'

If you haven't read the mommy blog post, you really should scroll down and have a look at what all the fuss is about! I seem to have caused quite a stir with my preferences. So much so, that I am now deemed unfit to traverse this very planet. It is amazing how powerfully ingrained scripts can be. People will defend theirs tooth and nail.

Do not waste good things on people who will not appreciate them. This proverb is adapted from a saying of Jesus from the Gospels, “Cast not pearls before swine.” Jesus appears to be warning his disciples to preach only before receptive audiences.

the whirlwind is in the thorn trees

Here I am 21 years ago blowing out the candles on my birthday cake. Awwww. That was my best friend, Kristy. She ruled! She still rules, but I don't see her much anymore. I saw her a few years ago. Went to her house to drink beer. She had this biker chick thing goin' on. She likes to fix cars. She likes Elvis pictures and Tiki mugs. Here is another best friend I had when I was about 6. Her name is Jackie. She lived right next door to me and I loved her so much. When she moved away, I cried like the world was coming to an end. I went to her birthday party after she moved and that was the last time I saw her. At her birthday we listened to Michael Jackson and I thought he was a she. This was taken at 6th grade camp Woodlake Ranch. Later, I fell into the water with all my clothes on when I tried to get out of the boat. That was embarrassing. North or South East or West at Woodlake Ranch We do our best. Night and day work or play we're proud of our camp. Hooray. Rah rah, siss boom bah. eenie meenie eenie weenie oon cha cha yabba dabba doooo Mee hee hee ha ha. Tally ho! Dynomite and away we go!!!!!!

i'm filling the cracks that ran through the door

i love my Philosophy of Race class! it is full of dorks like me who want to waste three hours a day taking a philosophy class in the summer! and that rules. so, here is a silly little video of people talking in my class. just so you can get a glimpse of what it's like. it is a horrible video, but i had to do it surreptitiously because you know, i was in class. anyhow. i'm new at this. it'll take me some time to make more interesting films.

first try at video blogging

did it work? i didn't even know i was taking a video when i took this. i thought i was taking a picture. as you can hear me dorkily say when you press play.

not another mommy blog

let's just say this right now. i do not like mommy blogs as a general rule. it's the feminist in me i believe that you have to have more of an identity outside of being a mother. if that is all you ever freaking talk about..... there's a problem. i mean, if you talk about it interestingly and intelligently, i guess that's a different story. but i still don't like to see women whose soul source of identity is their child. it's not good for them and it's not good for the child, either.

Becoming a mother is a complicated thing. Not only am I trying to negotiate a relationship with my child, a relationship that defines itself as it becomes defined, I am trying to negotiate a relationship with myself as I attempt to determine how I mother, how I feel about mothering, how I want to mother and how I wish I was mothered. Having become a mother, I have also become a part of something larger than the maternal dyad of myself and my daughter: I am now a member of a new society, a new demographic, a new cultural category, with all the weight of our society's ideas of motherhood upon me. I am sorting out how I mother my child, how my mother mothered me and how I fit in with the world's idea of what a mother should be, and that is no small task. It's also not something I can do without ambivalence, conflict, or emotion. As I try to navigate this new terrain, I'm slowly learning that feeling conflicted does not mean that I don't love my child. I'm coming to realize that the ubiquitous magazine and media portrayal of the ever-loving, always-happy über mom is an expression of that childish hope we all harbor for the perfect parent rather than a prescriptive formula I must follow. I'm slowly convincing myself that experiencing what I'm really feeling is better than forcing myself to "love every minute," which only breeds resentment toward this tiny person who somehow rules my life and refuses me the complexity of human emotion. It's still difficult to admit to myself that I don't actually love every minute of what I do from day to day without immediately wanting to take it all back and try to be the Good Mom, the perfect blank slate onto which others can write their own impressions. I try to remember that I was psychologically complex pre-motherhood and that no one thought I was a bad person because of it. --Andrea Buchanan, Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It

comment comment comment

i am so glad that i have commenters on my blog. i really encourage it. i try my best to engage ppl so they feel, and i feel, a sense of human interaction on some level. there is a great post about this over at Steven Streight a.k.a. Vaspers the Grate's Blog Core Values site. Steven deconstructs blogging and i personally very much enjoy his site. so check it out!! don't forget to read the comments section! always one of the best parts, right? but of course. commenters rule!

i feel lucky

it's too bad i didn't know that bloggers should have cool made-up names when i made my blog. it's too much trouble to make a whole new blog. i can't do that now. it's too late. i could just say that carrie is not my real name. but would you believe me? does it matter? do you believe anything i say, in the first place? today, i got a new surprise. it was two pink lines. so, now, i have a new obsession to deal with. a new reason to live. i was wondering why i seemed to feel so large, lately. i am happy, though, because i was beginning to think that it was too late for me to do the thing i swore a sane person would never do twice. but i am not sane. that's okay, though. really. you probably don't believe me. i believe me, though. because it's really a miracle. why? how? because.

midnight beach bonfire

right as we got home and were backing into the driveway, what to my wondering eyes did appear in the flash of the headlights? There ahead I saw it, unmistakable. A folded up dollar bill on the sidewalk. It was a 10 spot! Cha-ching.

won't you take me to the funkytown?

today, my life has been relatively unexciting. re-vamped my entire blog template. i am going to try to leave it like this for a while. it's really hard for me to not change it, though. and if the impulse is strong enough, i will probably just do it, anyway.

i like to think that there is synchronicity in the universe. i think that blogging is a way for more synchronicities to be available. speeds up the rate. sometimes, i might be compelled to blog about something that someone else who will read my blog in the near future particularly needed information about. blogging coincidences. random isn't random.

"Very few people in the world pay attention to harmony; they do not know that without it there is no chance of happiness. It is only the harmonious ones who can make others happy and partake of that happiness themselves, and apart from them it is hard to find happiness in the world." --The Inner Life

truth is reality

I'm nobody! Who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there's a pair of us -don't tell! They'd banish us, you know. How dreary to be somebody! How public, like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog! emily dickinson

incidentally

there's a great new thrift store in town and today was our first opportunity to peruse the merchandise. it's a good store; big, with lots of variety. i got a Norma Jean pin for $0.45, a really cool purse for $1, sock monkey stuffing for $0.59, 3 rad puzzles for $0.99 each. an 1960's Game of Life for a dollar and this really cool game called Masterpiece: The Art Auction Game by Parker Brothers. it was a ton of really cool stuff all for about six dollars, is what it boils down to. puzzles are fun. also, rented a movie called Siddhartha that was made in 1972. should be interesting. now, i'm just listening to madonna songs.

the love you take

"Every vice was once a virtue, and may become respectable again, just as hatred becomes respectable in wartime" --Will Durant

on the side of my bed there seems to be a continual pile of my books and my clothing. no matter how much i try to get rid of it, it is always there. clutter! clutter makes us feel safe. safety can equal stagnation and lead to rancidity and bogginess. i have too many clothes. or not enough proper storage space. also, i leave cabinet doors open and i leave the door of the microwave open all the time. it bothers me to close it. i have a phobia. i slam things. people ask me to stop, but i am not aware that i am slamming things. i pound my feet when i walk. i eat way too much bacon. i'm sure there's more.

a walk on a slippery rock

when that fire happened, i speculated philosophically what meaning there may have been behind it. cleansing through fire? rebirth? was it a lesson to me? a message that i was on the wrong path? i have thought perhaps this could be. i have also thought that it could have been because in that apartment i had made an attempt at painting the letters of the hebrew alphabet on a canvas. it is said that those letters are "words of the living God." i must be very self-centered to think that i am the one that causes everything that happens in my life.

it's not about facts, is it?

"The monster is also that which appears for the first time and, consequently, is not yet recognized." (J.Derrida)

reality is not separate from you or me. it is not something "out there" the fact that you are perceiving a different reality at this moment than i, being it so that you are in a separate body, does not make one of our realities less real than the other. humans construct human reality. the world doesn't have any meaning in and of itself other than what we decide that it has. other than what we attribute to it. we categorize things and people as separate because otherwise we would all be the same person. for whatever reason a specific group becomes the dominant one; whatever it is that they desire to be "reality" becomes just that. our expectations create a thing. they do not discover it. i think that sometimes i might come off as intimidating because of a certain assuredness i have about only certain things, but still it is there. but, i don't mean to be intimidating. i have to work on that. it's inherited. both of my parents were bossy know-it-alls.

make it so

i have resolved that today, in my class, i am not going to talk. i am not going to contribute one single word to the discussion unless i am directly called upon to do so. the end.

i'm searching the city

everything i say is a pointless waste of time and i don't even know why i talk. but, i feel that way about everyone. so it's a moot point. so now, i can talk again. and type. whatever the feck i want! and if you don't like it: GOOD! i hope you don't like it! i just wanted to have a blog and be able to type whatever i want to and it is mine. if you don't like my blog, you are my best friend forever. if you don't like my blog and you tell me so, it's even better! we can be enemies for life. what's the difference? i like to have arguments. so argue away! that's what i'm here for. do you think i blog just to see myself type? no. i blog to annoy the living daylights out of people who don't like me because nobody does. and if you do, it's because you don't know the truth about me. i'm a jerk! but you probably are a jerk, too. isn't this sweet of me? well, what good does it do to try and engage people in an interesting discussion when all they really want is for a girl to either show her naked body or be all fru-fru. if i want to talk about something real, then i guess a blog is not the way to go about it. and if i think that i might actually be contributing something worthwhile to the world, well... who's to be the judge of that but my lovely readers?

reefer!

the movie Grass is narrated by Woody Harrelson and is very educational, so i recommend it. it's about propaganda. today, my teacher was getting on my nerves because i felt like i had valid and relevant contributions to the discussion and he either ignored me or dismissed whatever i said. at least, that is how it felt to me, but i could just have p.m.s. today we discussed issues surrounding privelege, who has it and why? is it human nature to place people into hierarchies? it is a way of imposing order and structure which equals security. we watched a film which discussed the concept of race as a floating signifier, which means something to the effect that there is nothing solid or permanent to the meaning of race. it is never static. classification of people according to concepts of race is actually about power and maintaining order. it stabilizes culture and provides structure. problems arise when a principle of classification is used to justify a system of power and exclusion. the thing i seem to be learning more and more and more and more is this: nothing is permanent.

the nurse who loved me

i like that one crazy girl in Heavenly Creatures. not Kate Winslet. the other one. Melanie Lynskey i like the accent she had in that movie. it's kind of like an australian accent, but a unique australian accent. like to a specific area or something. like, they say win like "ween" and i think that is so cute! my class today was interesting. it is called The Philosophy of Race and Racism. we watched this film where this one black man was very angry and he was yelling and saying how angry he was and i felt it and it made me cry. i get angry, too. the class is going to be stimulating. i have a tendency to fall asleep when there's a film shown in class. today was no exception. i only nodded off for, like, 5 minutes, but when i awoke i had that feeling of not knowing where i was because it was the first time i'd gone to that class so everything was unfamiliar. it took me like a half-hour to find the frickin' building. it's in some converted hospital that looks more like a church to me.

she's come undone

a soul to dig the hole much deeper

have you ever read Fahrenheit 451? i'm sure you have. it's a lovely, lovely, lyrical poem. bradbury is an amazing talent. in that book, books were not allowed. people were not encouraged to think for themselves nor to have new or revolutionary ideas flitting about in their minds. the rebels were those who had actually memorized a book. a man who had memorized The Jungle Book, say, would be from then on referred to by the name of The Jungle Book and would be consulted anytime someone wanted to know what was in that book. Maybe someday that's how things will be, in some sense. it's true that books are outmoded just like records and eight tracks and even VHS tapes and soon DVDs. the pace of culture is ever increasing. i was saying that is a good thing, but nothing is completely good or bad and we really have no way of knowing what the eventual outcome will be. I've always had a love of books. i thought of the library as my home away from home. i always felt safest there. it seemed to me like nothing could go wrong at the library. it was a magical place. i spent most of my time roaming the aisles that housed books on psychics, the afterlife, metaphysics, religion and psychology. it seems to make sense to me, now that i consider myself an anthropologist. but, i never knew that i wanted to be an anthropology major until only about a year ago. i'd been studying it for my own entertainment without really even knowing what to call that! once, when my house burned down, the newspaper asked me what possession i missed the most and i said that my books were irreplaceable. in a sense, a book is irreplaceable. they are very sentimental objects. i've never liked to think of myself as a sentimental person. but, i hadn't made a list of what books i had accumulated over the years. i saved a few that weren't too bad. two that survived the fire: The Way to Love by Anthony DeMello and The Meaning of Happiness by Alan Watts. even though the pages are a little krinkly and maybe there's some sooty spots-- those I couldn't just throw away.