too bad so sad

yesterday when i was at the thrift store there were a lot of my little ponies and i only had two dollars with me and i stupidly thought i could go back today and buy some more cuz i wanted some of the baby ones.... NOPE. all gone. *sniffle* so i got a necklace instead.

dweeb-tacular

people are very confusing. don't you think?
you are very confusing.

i have watercolor paper and watercolor paints and brushes. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
i should try to paint something. i've never seriously tried watercolor. people make it look so easy, but you know that it's not. my mom has done quite a few watercolors. they are cool.

is this about books or about me?

okay, i need to get this show on the road here regarding the fave books list. this is really starting to drag out.

the next book that molded my impressionable young mind was The Tibetan Book of the Great Liberation. i found this in the library when i was looking for the tibetan book of the dead, partly cuz julia roberts was reading it in the movie flatliners. also my dad had read it. the book has a really good forward and commentary by carl jung. sometimes, i have wondered tho, if because i was depressed and isolated that delving into esoteric knowledge may have further exacerbated my situation... without the aid of a supportive community or sangha. probably. it's a good book. i wish i had a copy right now.

at about this same time in my life i enjoyed reading a lot of psychology stuff, esp. i was interested in freud, that crazy mofo. i used to sit in the library during lunch in h.s. and read his books. i particularly enjoyed his Interpretation of Dreams. i've had an ongoing interest in freud and wrote papers about him in a lot of my different classes when i was in school.

i've mentioned anthony de mello's book the way to love, recently. well, another great book by him is awareness. my dad also read that book, i think he thought HE was the one who found it, but he wasn't. for the rest of his life after he read that book he would always say, whenever people were having problems, "read Awareness. it's all in there." he was like a broken record.

i found the wisdom of insecurity at this little used bookstore i used to haunt called yesterday's books. i just liked the title of the book and had never read anything by alan watts before. WHAT A BOOK! i have been a die hard alan watts loyalist ever since. he is my favorite. everything i read by him or have ever heard by him is right on. SPOT ON my brotha! alan watts is the man! (not the bad man, the good man)

when things fall apart has helped me through a lot of crap. i should be reading it again. i've owned two copies of this book. actually i've owned several copies of many of the books on my list. i think that's amusing. pema chodron has a very disarming style of 'preaching' she's really just talking about things we all go thru and the feeling that we all go thru it somehow makes it seem okay.

well, it looks like i'm at the last book!
there are so many more wonderful books... but these are the ones that i am talking about so i cannot dwell on the ones i'm not talking about. i love books.
i should be a librarian.

i'm counting the way to love as a book. or if you want i can come up with one more.

segue

(some jackass across the street has an engine revving addiction and it really pisses us off. the effing dildo sits there and rhythmically revs his engine like he is masturbating for like a fricking HOUR it is so annoying. ok he is done now? please say yes. it is very distracting to me. you'll think he's done, cuz he stops for a second but then he starts back up again... vroom vroom vrOOM VROOM VROOM VROOM vroom vroom vroom OMG!!!!!!! where is my slingshot? kidding.)

here is a true story, i am not joking at all. it is for reals true. i was walking back home after buying a gallon of milk at the store and there's this area right by the store called droupout alley or something but it is a place where teenagers congregate and be generally annoying. so this one kid/boy/guy asks me if he can have a drink of the milk that i am carrying. ha. i just sed 'no' with an amused look on my face and kept walking. then i was thinking about it later and thought i should have said more to him.... but i am shy. anyway, i should have said, "sure you can have a drink. here." and like just handed it to him. haha. i was telling scott about this and i said, "that would have BLOWN that kids MIND" and it reminded me of my dad cuz he used to like to BLOW people's MINDS. haha

third in the series of favorite book posts

**scroll down for the first two posts.


next up in the sort of reverse chronology of my favorite books (i can only pick ten books) that made me have really strong reactions or that were somehow otherwise pivotal in my life when i read them....

siddhartha by hermann hesse

this one was big for me.
we had to read it in my senior year g.a.t.e. english. that year i transferred out of my school to one in southern california because i went to live with my dad for a month cuz i was being too mean to my mom and my grandma. [omg!!! early signs of relationship/behavioral difficulties!!!!!] anyway. my new english teacher was like: "what were you reading in your old class?"
me: siddhartha.

dude: you were reading "SIDD-HARTHA!??" (he over exaggerates the 'H' sound)

i'm like, yeah... my teacher was COOL. unlike YOU.

anyway, i ended up going back to my old school cuz it was way better afterall, i realized.

but siddhartha.

when i first started reading it, i'd had NO prior knowledge of buddhism and NONE of what i was reading made any sense to me for some reason. i would read a chapter and have to re-read it immediately. i went to the library and got cliff's notes. that helped a lot. when it really started to click for me was when i got to the part where siddhartha talks about how 'life is pain'. i was like, "wait a second... this guy was on to something here." i could relate to that shit.

i ended up falling forever in love with that book. it changed me. i used to just carry it around with me all the time as some sort of iconic object. i've always been a bit of a bibliofile, anyhow. i used to spend my lunches in the library reading-- cuz that's where i wanted to be. it just seemed like a good use of my time. i was on the lookout for something.

other great books i've read by hesse: demian, gertrude, steppenwolf. i think that's all.

sausalito/s.f. 2001

next in the series of favorite books

gone with the wind and flowers in the attic are sort of in the same category. i didn't really expect to be as taken with them as i was.

i think i read gone with the wind in 8th or 9th grade. i couldn't put it down once i started reading it. i couldn't stop and i couldn't sleep. it was like time traveling and experiencing a part of history in a personal way. the writing is why. i felt a sense of loss when i was finished reading it.

when i finished reading the flowers in the attic series it was the middle of the night, i was 16, and i started crying so much it woke my mom up.

next i will enter a new phase of reading largely moving away from fiction. this list is pretty much a chronological one.

numero uno

jesse asked me to talk about my 10 favorite books. i'm gonna do this in multiple posts.
this is difficult because i could probably do 10 for every phase of my life. childhood, teens, young adult... etc. anyway.
i came up with ten and the first one is A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. I read it in 6th grade and it is like everything that happened in that book happened to me. i remember the story as though it were one of my own memories of my life. as far as i recall, that is the time in my life when reading fantasy-type books was a very appealing form of escapism and the science and metaphysical aspects of the book make the story seem very important and real. the writing in this book creates potent and indelible imagery in the mind, taking you to other worlds and raising the possibility of understanding the concept of multiple dimensions and how they may very well exist inside of us.

honorable mentions in this category: lion the witch and the wardrobe, alpha centauri, singularity, swiftly tilting planet, golden compass

that last post juxtaposed with my background and header image seriously did make me dizzy. i can't take it anymore. had to post something else to fix that.
this pic is two paper bags. ink and brush. done as an exercise (not meant to be a finished piece)

more of my past attempts at artwork

here, what was once a construction paper collage of the negative space around an old ironing board now becomes a 'digital image' because it has been manipulated. i messed with the contrast cuz the pic was out of focus, but that gives it this whole mind trippy quality like those t-shirts that make you feel like you are buzzed cuz the writing's all blurry?

oh yes. i know.

i am not the first person to take a picture of herself holding a glass of red wine and i am sure that i won't be the last. JUST SO YOU ALL ARE FULLY COGNISANT of this. Because I SURE As hell am. i and i want you to know that i know that you know that i know.

ugh.

I REALLY HATE BLOGGING!

i don't like people's attitude problems, mostly.

people thinking that they are SO EFFING GREAT because they type some clever shit on an effing BLOG! GET OVER IT! YOU'RE NOT SOME EFFING GENIUS!

or maybe you are but SO EFFING WHAT!

HAY-SOOS!

a lot of people say, "if you don't like it don't read it. if you don't like it just say nothing and let those people be."

but i am fascinated, i guess, by peoples ASTOUNDING arrogance.
i remember thinking that some bloggers must be JOKING like maybe this is just IRONY.... like they are just being HUGELY stereotypical but it's meant to be ironic... but now i think they HONESTLY believe that they are THAT EFFING GREAT! HA!

fine.
maybe you are.

i don't understand how someone who claims to be like almost agoraphobic and has NO friends and is totally psychologically dysfunctional and an addict to boot can also have like this HUGE social life that requires really a lot of mental involvement or just INVOLVEMENT with other people.... how does that work? cuz i mean, i know that i couldn't handle it. i seriously don't have a social life because of social anxiety and depression. it's not fun & games and a big party of coolness.

i've never liked social games. they sicken me.

some people really THRIVE on that stuff. i am fascinated by it in a sort of disgusted awe kind of way.

another thing that i think is that just because you work around celebrities does not MAKE YOU A CELEBRITY and i don't think it really makes celebrities respect you anymore than they do anyone else.

there's that angry mob again

this is some college art class assignment from '93 it was supposed to be something organic next to something geometric or abstract. juxtaposing color with no color or something like that. i never liked it in the first place. why i still have it, i do not know. i have saved a whole bunch of art stuff from previous classes and will most likely be entertaining you with it in the very near future and for some time, perhaps. might as well, is what i figure. maybe it will help spark some urge in me to create something. i'm feeling quite.. um... dry(?) at the moment...
early evening sun is blaring through the livingroom window. it illuminates all the dust particles that are stirred up when anyone moves. the wind keeps rattling the shutter on one window. it creaks and pops it sounds like the clock ticks. my laptop whirrs. i feel agitated. the baby is crying. she's tired and so are we. she sounds like a cat howling.

(later)
i'm having a glass of wine. it's petit syrah i guess. i thought it was shiraz. i get confuzed over such things.

i drew this almost fifteen years ago.

my camera is absolutely amazing. it has taken SO MUCH abuse it is unbelievable and it just keeps on working no matter what. of course now that i type this i've probably turned my luck around, eh? i am seriously surprised it has lasted as long as it has, tho. kodak easyshare. it's like two years old or so. it drops from heights of up to six feet on a regular basis cuz i'm always trying to balance it on things and prop it places.

my boyfriend's dad collects cars and his mom collects horses.

the many faces of ME

i am starving right now. when i went to the grocery store this morning it was quite BRISK outside and when the cashier gave me my change he said, "there, now you won't leave CENTSless!" har har

are you mocking me?

one thing about wearing makeup that i hate is that i never fail to rub my eyes when they are itchy from the makeup and smudge the makeup everywhere. it's like SO TOTALLY ANNOYING! y'know?

OMG!! American Idol is SO NOT GOOD anymore. i have NO desire to sit thru it it is too painful unbearably so. no.

three dings

carrie: you hear those three dings?

scott: yeah.

carrie: what is that?

scott: i have no idea.

i hear these dings, like three sounds of a bell, every day. it's probably a school bell? or it's aliens trying to communicate.

now i'm a mommy blogger

microwave popcorn is cool. it's fast and you can eat something without really eating anything. it's probably not all that good for you really. i got some newman's own with no trans fats and it is quite good.
today has been a difficult day because the baby is requiring quadruple the amount of attention she usually does (she's constipated is the main thing we're dealing with). it's a recurring problem. goes away, you think it's gone then, and then it's back again. heard of such remedies as karo syrup in the milk? tried it. prunes? tried it. raisins? check. now we're trying milk of magnesia.
today her poop was like i dunno dried up horse apples? i put them in a baggy to take to the doctor as a sample and i squished one while it was in the baggy and it was like hard clay or putty or something. ANYWAY!

if i had wine right now i'd be a'drinkin' it.

the reason i decided my bangs needed to be a little bit shorter is that i need something that moves around my browline disguising the botched eyebrow grooming i performed and also the anger lines i have between my eyebrows.

there is no point

i cut my bangs but they look stupid. they pretty much don't look any different. for a millisecond, i thought i looked better but now i'm not so sure. grrr.r putting on makeup is annoying, too. and i am hungry. i haven't had time to do much today because the baby is sick and cries all the time and seems to be having trouble taking naps. it's like: argh! calgon, take me away. and it is snowing again. a little bit. i can't ever get the picture to look the way i want it to. taking pictures can be exhausting work sometimes. i need someone to take care of me. bring me a soda and some lunch.

i just ate the last piece of beef jerky out of the package of beef jerky that is now empty. that package lasted a long time because it was sesame ginger flavor and scott didn't like it and so that made me think maybe it wasn't good, so i would only eat it sometimes when i couldn't find anything else and was really hungry. like right now. but i'm still kind of hungry.

it has been snowing like a madman for hours. although it looks like we're getting a break in it now. there's probably a coupla inches, tho.

i'm losin it. no i done lost it a long time ago

it is very windy and dark outside and kinda cold but not freezing.
the baby is playing on the sofa here beside me. she seems to be feeling better than she did yesterday, which is good. she has pretty curly hair.

we are listening to some crooner on one of those television music channels.

i just said "hamburger" when i meant "graham cracker"

an old dream journal

i just ran across this old dream journal. i don't seem to dream much these days.
i'm such a nerd, tho. haha
the fortune says "your dreams reveal important truths" but i couldn't get it into focus.

it really wasn't like that. yes, i had read the post... thought maybe i'd enjoy that author, always on the lookout for interesting novels because i usually have no interest in them.

BUT
the real truth IS: i was sitting in my art class. the teacher and another student were talking about this author and how that movie was out now and they have read that book and also the one that i have now finished: Dry.

i mentioned that i would be interested in borrowing one of those and the next thing i know my teacher shows up with Dry. i didn't specifically ask for that one, it could've been the other one (running with scissors) but this was the one that she got access to first.

seriously.

i just feel like i have been so insulted and misrepresented, and it doesn't really sit well with me, and so i ruminate over it. like What the....? how? why?

the book was pretty good. it brought back some ill feelings from my past re: alcoholism/death. i really enjoyed the author's use of the simile. some of his comparisons are just like, "yeah... but how did you come up with THAT?" i can't find any right now tho. sorry. but anyway. similes are cool i want to start using them more, but sometimes i'm like, "why does something have to be like something else? why can't it just be what it is?"

a horse is a horse